Wait 'til this Year

Wait 'til this Year is movin' on up

2011-03-08T08:00:00.000-06:00

Dear readers,

I'm excited to inform you that Wait 'til this Year has been granted a space on the ChicagoNow website. ChicagoNow, in the site's own words, is "an online community created by Chicagoans ... where we connect to each other online and share our interests." It launched in August 2009 and is owned by the Chicago Tribune Media Group. This is an exciting opportunity for me and I hope you'll follow me to my new location.

While this page will no longer be updated, my blog remains, just at a new URL: http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/wait-til-this-year/. So please follow me over to ChicagoNow and enjoy my new blogging community! I appreciate all the support I've had from my readers over the last two years--it's you that helped me gain this great new opportunity.

I truly hope that you'll continue reading my blog at ChicagoNow and I look forward to you sharing your comments and thoughts over there. So head over to ChicagoNow ... now!

Who will be the Cubs' fifth outfielder in 2011?

2011-03-07T08:48:00.001-06:00

Starting outfield: Alfonso Soriano, Marlon Byrd, Tyler Colvin/Kosuke Fukudome

Bench: Tyler Colvin/Kosuke Fukudome

Spots available: 1

Possible fifth outfielder: Reed Johnson, Brett Jackson, James Adduci, Lou Montanez, Fernando Perez, Brad Snyder, Bryan LaHair

Early prediction: All of them! No, never mind, I don't think Quade would do that. He's so lame. I'm actually going to go with former-Cub-and-now-Cub-again Reed Johnson.

Johnson had a bad year with the Dodgers, putting up .262/.291/.366. BUT, he hit .301 against lefties and has a .312 career average against southpaws, which could be key since neither Colvin nor Fukudome could hit a lefty if he walked up to the mound and swung at the ball while it was still in the pitcher's hand. And as we saw when he was with the Cubs, he's a strong defender. (I couldn't find video of the ridiculous catch he made in Washington, which is pictured above, but here's his grand slam-saving catch against Prince Fielder.)

Jackson, of course, was the team's #1 draft pick in '09, but probably isn't quite ready yet. And Brad Snyder was called up last September but hit just .185. He has played approximately 700,000 minor league games. (Actually 845.)

A quick comment on the right field situation as well: there's definitely a spring training battle at hand given that Colvin and Fukudome are both lefties, meaning a strict platoon won't work. Fukudome is in the final year of his four-year deal and has yet to do anything of note after about May 15 of any season. Colvin posted a low .316 OBP last year but showed significant pop with 20 HR in just 358 at-bats (which translates to about 27 in a full season of work). Colvin could also spell both Byrd and Soriano, as he did last year. Complicating matters is the painful and pathetic fact that Quade might view Fukudome as the team's best leadoff option.

Bulls in conversation for best team in East

2011-03-04T08:30:00.000-06:00

In Michael Jordan's final year in Chicago, the Bulls went 62-20 and won their sixth NBA title in eight years. The following season under Tim Floyd, they won just 13 games in a shortened season and commenced a run of nearly unwatchable basketball that blew the Bulls right off the front pages of the Windy City's sports sections.

The Bulls have finished over .500 just twice since then, providing one jolt of excitement when they took the more-talented Celtics to seven games in the first round of the playoffs two years ago. They posted a perfectly mediocre 41-41 record each of the last two seasons, and Vegas set the over/under at 46.5 wins for this year.

But with their next win, the Bulls will have already exceeded last year's win total. At 41-18, they're just three games behind the Celtics and two behind the Heat for the best record in the Eastern Conference. Their seed will be vitally important given that they've lost just four home games all year--only the Spurs have lost fewer--but are a pedestrian 15-14 away from the United Center.

Though the Bulls are still looking up at the Heat and Celtics in the standings, they've separated themselves a bit from the rest of the pack and made a case for their Eastern Conference supremacy last week with a riveting win over the Heat, the second time they've beaten them at home this year (though they were LeBron-less the first time). The Bulls will face Miami again Sunday, though this time they'll be taking their talents to South Beach.

The Bulls came up empty in their two trips to the Garden this year, but defeated the Celtics at home and will try to do the same on April 7. A win in that game could go a long way toward improving the Bulls' playoff seed.

With Derrick Rose playing at an MVP level, Carlos Boozer providing a consistent threat down low, Joakim Noah crashing the boards after returning from injury, and a coach who's actually competent calling the plays, the Bulls look ready to make their playoff push. When fully healthy, the Bulls just might be the best team in the East, and it's been way too long since we could contemplate such a possibility.

The Bulls spoiled their fans in the 90s but took none of the spoils over the last decade--after all, they were rarely the victors--but there's finally a reason to be excited in the post-Jordan era. March Madness is just around the corner, but in Chicago, more madness will finally follow in April and maybe even beyond.

Cubs make errors in field, judgement

2011-03-03T08:30:00.000-06:00

From the You've Got to be Kidding Me Department, Carlos Silva got into a dugout altercation with Aramis Ramirez during the Cubs' spring training loss to the Brewers on Wednesday, proving that no game is meaningless enough to prevent a Cub from being a hotheaded douchebag. Silva refused to talk to the media after the incident, making it impossible to know whether he was angry with his teammates for making three errors in one inning, or at himself for giving up two home runs in his first spring training start as he attempts to grab a spot in the starting rotation.

The Cubs made five errors Wednesday, bringing their four-game spring training total to 14. This might be the first time Mike Quade is happy he suffers from alopecia, because he's probably realizing that one season as Cubs manager would have made his hair fall out anyways.

Women get in (duh), so do men (whaaa???)

2011-03-01T09:00:00.001-06:00

It was widely assumed that IWU's men's basketball team needed to win the CCIW conference tournament in order to reach the postseason tourney. But despite getting hammered 76-52 by Augustana in the conference tournament title game, they somehow slipped into the bracket and will face UW-River Falls (seriously, how many UW schools are there?) this Friday at St. Thomas University in St. Paul, Minn. As essentially a 16 seed, the men have their work cut out for them if they want to match or surpass last year's Elite Eight appearance.

We've known for a while that the women would make the tournament; the only question was whether they would host the first two rounds. The answer, we found out Monday, is yes. The Titans will host Webster and then would play the winner of the match-up between UW-La Crosse and Wisconsin Lutheran. Last year, the women's team won the first two games at home before falling to UW-Stevens Point in the Sweet Sixteen. Looking at the bracket, Stevens Point would be a potential Elite Eight foe this year.

Once again, best of luck to both teams in the postseason!

Who will be the Cubs' backup infielder and catcher in 2011?

2011-02-28T09:00:00.000-06:00

Darwin Barney's name alone makes him a great candidate for the Cubs' bench.

With a spring training game officially in the books, it's high time we take a look at some of the position battles that will ensue over the next month. Today we'll take a look at the infield and catcher positions. Who will spell Geovany Soto? Will Darwin Barney make the team? Will Augie Ojeda be mistaken for a bat boy at spring training? So many questions.

Starting infield: Carlos Pena, Blake DeWitt/Jeff Baker, Starlin Castro, Aramis Ramirez

Bench: Blake DeWitt/Jeff Baker

Spots available: 1

Possible IF bench players: Darwin Barney, Bobby Scales, Augie Ojeda, Scott Moore, Marquez Smith

Early prediction: Darwin Barney. A 25-year-old 2007 draft pick, he played 30 games with the big club at the end of last year, batting .241 with a .294 OBP. He had a respectable .976 combined fielding percentage at second, third and short. He was solid at AAA last year, batting .299 with a .333 OBP, and he had 14 errors, mostly at short. If he can put the bat on the ball and play solid defense, his versatility in the field could make him a nice addition off the bench.

I was tempted to go with Marquez Smith, a 26-year-old who was also drafted in 2007. He batted .314 with a .384 OBP in 91 games at Iowa last year, but he's mostly limited to third base where he struggled to the tune of a .938 fielding percentage last year.

As far as the second base platoon, Blake DeWitt got the lion's share of the playing time after coming to the Cubs in the Ted Lilly trade. He struggled, but probably has a higher ceiling than Baker. Expect Baker to play against lefties, though, given his .350 average last season against southpaws. My guess is that Quade will be open to one of the two "winning" the job in spring training, but my money would be on a pretty strict platoon come the regular season.

Starting catcher: Geovany Soto

Possible back-up catchers: Koyie Hill, Wellington Castillo

Early prediction: Koyie Fucking Hill. Who has a .211 career average as a Cub. I hate him like Alfonso Soriano hates outfield walls. I say start Soto 150 games and throw Zambrano behind the plate for the other 12 just to keep him on his toes.

Castillo, who's just 23, had six hits in 21 at-bats (.300) after being called up last September.

A Cardinal goes down, a former Cub bows out

2011-02-25T09:00:00.000-06:00

First they fail to extend Albert Pujols, now their #2 starter is out for the year. It has not been a good month for the Cardinals.

Adam Wainwright, who finished second in Cy Young voting this past season, is slated for Tommy John surgery and will miss the entire season. This doesn't devastate the Cardinals--they still have Carpenter, Garcia, Lohse, and Jake Westbrook--but it's a significant blow. Instead of one of the most potent 1-2 punches in baseball, they now have one ace and several average-to-above average pitchers.

I must admit, I'm intrigued to see what kind of magical spell Dave Duncan will be able to cast on whatever castoff or minor leaguer replaces Wainwright. Some free agent options include Kevin Millwood (4-16 last year with Baltimore) and Jeremy Bonderman (5.53 ERA last year with Detroit), though they may simply hope for one of their prospects to step up this spring. Surely whomever they choose will set a major league record for wins because Dave Duncan is a witch.

In other baseball news, former Cubs second baseman Mark Grudzielanek has decided to retire. Grudzielanek, who is now 40, batted .314 for the 2003 Cubs team that fell one win shy of the World Series. In fact, it was Grudzielanek who would have taken the flip from Alex Gonzalez, thrown it to first for a double play and ended the infamous 8th inning that cost the Cubs Game 6 of the NLCS. Instead, terrible, unspeakable things happened and part of me died inside forever.

It's conference tournament weekend! (In Division III)

2011-02-24T09:00:00.002-06:00

The women's team registered one of their most dominant wins of the season on Senior Night this past Saturday.

The IWU women's basketball team will once again host the conference tournament this Friday and Saturday after becoming the first CCIW team ever to win four straight regular season titles. The Titans, who are ranked 7th in the latest D3hoops.com poll, slipped up just once in the conference season with a home loss to Carthage, posting an impressive 13-1 record.

But as fate would have it, Carthage finished the season as the four seed meaning the Titans will have a chance to avenge that loss tomorrow. If they win, they'll face the winner of the Wheaton-Millikin match-up on Saturday. While the Titans handled Millikin easily in their two match-ups, they escaped with a narrow two-point victory in their home contest against Wheaton.

The path to the conference tournament was slightly more stressful for the men's team. Injuries and inconsistent play had them at 8-5 in the CCIW and set up a win-or-go-home game against 3rd-ranked Augustana on Tuesday. With the score tied, Doug Sexauer hit a short jumper with one second left to give the Titans a two-point lead. Augustana managed a decent shot at the buzzer, but it banged off the rim, sending IWU to North Central on Friday to begin a conference tournament they likely need to win if they want to advance to the national tourney.

IWU needed overtime in both of their games against North Central this season, winning at home and losing in Naperville. If they win Friday, they'll face the winner of the Augustana-Wheaton game.

Best of luck to both teams this weekend!

From D to Z: Dempster gets Opening Day nod, followed by Zambrano

2011-02-22T09:00:00.001-06:00

*I actually wrote this before Quade named Dempster the Opening Day starter, I swear. But I've edited it to reflect Quade's rather early decision.

The question scarcely had to be asked the last few years since Carlos Zambrano has been on the mound the last six Opening Days. But after a season in which Zambrano went all Zambrano and was banished to the bullpen for over a month, and with a new manager at the helm, we knew that streak was in jeopardy in 2011. Given that Z has just one win in those six tries and that the memory of the Braves bashing him around last year has not quite faded (it was kind of him to throw Jason Heyward that coming out party, though), I think it's time to give someone else a chance. On Monday, we found out that Quade agrees.

The obvious choice was indeed Ryan Dempster. In the three seasons since he became a starter again, he has won more games than Z each year and had a lower ERA in two of the three years. He's eclipsed the 200-inning mark all three seasons (Z hasn't done so since 2007) and has been consistently solid in his seven years as a Cub.

In terms of ERA and WHIP, a case could have been made for the newly acquired Matt Garza. But in my opinion, while getting the nod for Opening Day is mostly about recognition of talent, I think it's also an honor. And given that the next time Garza plays in a Cubs uniform will also be the first, I think Dempster is much more deserving of the distinction.

Of course we might also ask: Does it really matter who starts? Not really. It's just one game, just one start; each pitcher will get about 30 more over the course of the season. But Zambrano's lack of success on the season's first day is noteworthy and makes Mike Quade's decision perhaps more meaningful than the corresponding decision that, say, Pirates manager Clint Hurdle will have to make. Zambrano tends to operate at about 100 mph, sort of like someone who's high on coke. Yeah, someone who's high on coke and has Tourette's. But it seems like on Opening Days he's more jacked up than Lindsay Lohan on a Friday night. The role simply doesn't fit him. It's like asking Gary Busey to be your Jenga partner--you're going to lose and it's probably not going to end well.

So way to change it up, Quade. Let's see what a little calmness on the mound looks like on the season's first day. It's an honor Dempster deserves, and it gives the Cubs the Opening Day opportunity they deserve.

But what do you think? Is Dempster the right guy? Who should be on the mound April 1?

As predicted, we predicted terribly

2011-02-21T09:00:00.003-06:00

You might recall that Trevor Sierra, Andrew Kapral and I made our annual Cubs predictions last March. We predicted seven categories total; in five of them, all three predictions turned out to be higher than the actual result. So either the Cubs had a pathetic season in which they underperformed to an extreme degree, or all three of us are blindly optimistic fools with zero talent for predicting what will occur in a Cubs season. Or both. You know what, I think it's both.

Last year, Trevor and Andrew tied with three apiece while I had two.

*Actual result in parentheses

Cubs wins (75)

Trevor 88
Andrew 87
Brandon 86

Um ... yay? I don't feel good about benefiting from the Cubs' debacle of a season.

Had the Cubs won 86 games, the lowest of our three predictions, they would have lost the division by just three games and finished ahead of the Cardinals by two. Instead, they finished with the eighth-worst record in the majors. They were worse than teams such as the Astros, Brewers, Marlins and A's. They were even worse than the Mets. Not a great year.

Randy Wells wins (8)

Trevor 13
Brandon 11
Andrew 10

After winning 12 in his rookie season, Wells started five more games in 2010 but won only eight. His ERA went up by more than a point even though he actually gave up fewer hits/9 in 2010 compared to 2009. He was much less consistent this season--he had three starts of four innings or fewer.

Soto slugging percentage (.497)
Brandon .475
Andrew .445
Trevor .430

Here's the only category where we were all too pessimistic. Soto had a great bounce back season. While playing in only 105 games hurt his power numbers, his slash line was back to the level of his Rookie of the Year campaign. (Slash line is average/on-base/slugging.)

2008: .285/.364/.504

2010: .280/.393/.497

He also had a higher HR/AB ratio this season than in 2008. My win here puts me up 2-1 on Andrew.

Zambrano wins (11)
Trevor 20
Brandon 14
Andrew 14

Good guess, Trevor. No, really, I mean he averaged 11.5 wins over the previous two seasons and he's never won 20 in his life. As it turned out, Zambrano only started 20 games due to his time spent in the bullpen. 3-2 me over Andrew. (Trevor? You there?)

Derrek Lee HR (19)

Brandon 33
Trevor 33
Andrew 27

Ouch. If you don't count 2006 when he missed most of the season or 1999 when he only played 70 games, this was his lowest home run total since 1998. He also had his lowest average (.260) since 1998. His punishment? Being banished to the Orioles, where Cubs go to die.

By going low, Andrew's tied it at 3. This is dramatic ...

Carlos Marmol walks per 9 innings (6.0)
Brandon 6.4
Andrew 5.8
Trevor 5.1

This category was meant to be indicative of Marmol's season overall. As in: lots of walks per nine innings? He must be blowing lots of saves. Not many walks per nine innings? Wow, he must be doing well as the closer. Since I thought he was going to be a disaster as closer, I went high on this one. Turns out I lost to Andrew by just 0.2, yet Marmol had a great season. He was 38-for-43 in saves, had a 2.55 ERA and led the majors with a ridiculous 16 strikeouts per nine innings. He was in fact one of the few pieces of glitter on the turd that was the Cubs' season. And yet ... lots of walks. Oh well. You win this round, Andrew.

Theriot OBP (.321)
Andrew .380
Brandon .370
Trevor .365

And Trevor takes his first category despite being pretty far off on this one. A few players who had a higher OBP than Theriot in 2010:

Alfonso Soriano

Drew Stubbs

Ryan Ludwick

Yovani Gallardo

Dan Haren

Angel Pagan

Albert Pujols was walked intentionally 38 times in 2010. Theriot walked 41 times total. So anyways, Theriot is not good at getting on base. None of us realized that, but Trevor's guess sucked the least.

Final tally:

Andrew 4

Brandon 3

Trevor 1

Congratulations, Andrew! A tie for first last year and an outright victory this year. You are forcing me to slightly doubt my hypothesis that living in Texas for an extended period of time inevitably turns you into a babbling buffoon who wears spurs and eats your own poop. But only slightly.

Actual NL Central Standings

Reds

Cardinals

Brewers

Astros

Cubs

Pirates

Predicted
Brandon
Cardinals
Cubs
Brewers
Reds
Astros
Pirates

Trevor
Cardinals
Cubs
Brewers
Reds
Astros
Pirates

Andrew
Cubs
Cardinals
Reds
Brewers
Astros
Pirates

Cubs name Keith Moreland as Pat Hughes's new radio partner

2011-02-16T10:11:00.007-06:00

Moreland, 57, played six solid if unspectacular years with the Cubs from 1982-1987. Perhaps his broadcasting will be described similarly.

Moreland has filled in for Bob Brenly in the past, but I'll be honest and say that I don't remember much about my reaction to his broadcasts. I don't think it's worth opining too much about this decision--no one will ever truly replace Ron Santo, so that's irrelevant, and I believe Moreland deserves some time at the mic before we judge his abilities in the booth.

Says Moreland (via Carrie Muskat): "I hate to be sitting in this seat because nobody can replace Ron Santo ... I can't do anything but try to be myself."

Here's a video of him talking.

(Click the post title for Paul Sullivan's story from the Tribune.)

Humor Vault Headlines

2011-02-15T09:00:00.000-06:00

Turns out Bruce Pearl has just the one orange sportcoat, smells terrible

Favre announces retirement, winks, has 2011 training camp dates in iPhone calendar

Joakim Noah confident wrist is finally healthy enough for him to jump around, make ass of himself

Arbitration be damned: Cubs expected to sign Marmol to three-year deal

2011-02-14T09:00:00.002-06:00

About a year ago, I may or may not have used the word "disaster" (I did) when predicting Carlos Marmol's level of success as closer in 2010. And now he has enough money to buy, like, his own island. Or five million Big Macs. Or something.

But that's what happens when you set a franchise record for strikeouts by a reliever and lead all major league relievers in K/9 innings and Wins Above Replacement (3.1).

Gordon Wittenmyer expects the Cubs and Marmol to agree today to a three-year deal worth around $23 million. The contract would buy out his final two years of arbitration and what would have been his first year of free agency.

Now if the Cubs can just give Marmol a few more save opportunities than they did last season ...

**UPDATE**Ken Rosenthal says the deal is done, and that it's in the $20 million range.

**UPDATE ON THE UPDATE**Marmol will earn$3.2 in 2011, $7 in 2012 and $9.8 in 2013.

Notable Cubs' spring training dates

2011-02-11T09:00:00.000-06:00

Sunday, February 13: Pitchers and catchers report. That's right: just two days from now, a number of Cubs players will be in Arizona getting ready for the season before the season. It's almost here ...

Tuesday, February 15: The Cubs and Carlos Marmol will head to arbitration on this day if the two sides haven't agreed on a deal. The two were rumored to be close to a long-term deal--likely three years-- but so far nothing has materialized.

Friday, February 18: Position players report.

Sunday, February 27: Baseball. Mmmmm, delicious baseball. A spring training game against Oakland, sure, but baseball nonetheless.

Sunday, March 6: The first televised game, against the Dodgers.

Wednesday, March 16: First off day.

Thursday, March 24: First game carried by an ESPN network. (Honestly, I'm just making shit up at this point to make this post longer.)

Friday, April 1: OPENING DAY. It's April Fools' Day, but this is no joke: the Cubs will begin the regular season on a Friday.

The name game, vol 11.2

2011-02-10T09:00:00.001-06:00

Momo Jones, Arizona

His name's actually Lamont, but he goes by Momo cuz, you know, mo' baskets mo' problems.

Dundrecous Nelson, Mississippi

Awesome.

Deremy Geiger, Idaho

How often does he have phone conversations in which his half goes like this?

"Deremy."

"No, Deremy."

"DEREMY!"

Hugh Mingo, Louisiana-Monroe

Sounds like a creepy color commentator. Plus, it sounds like "humongo."

Hector Harold, Pepperdine

Middle name Henry.

The same name game

Josh Johnson, East Tennessee State (also a Florida Marlins pitcher)

Aaron Rodgers is good at football, and other fun facts

2011-02-08T09:00:00.002-06:00

As much as it pains me to say it, Rodgers was very good all year. On Sunday, he proved he's Super good.

In five playoff games, Aaron Rodgers has seventeen touchdowns and just four interceptions, a QB rating well over 100, and four rushing touchdowns to boot. And of course, a Super Bowl ring. Yup, Aaron Rodgers has made Green Bay forget all about the 40 Year Old Vermin. And this, I must say, is bullshit. How can the Packers have Brett Favre, Hall of Fame quarterback and Hall of Fame turdball, for 17 years, and then magically have another stud QB waiting in the wings when Favre finally douched his way out of town? This offends me. Seriously. I'm not just angry or jealous about the Packers' amazing luck, I'm literally offended. Fuck you, Packers. You don't deserve that kind of luck. Why, you ask? Because you're from Wisconsin and you're bastards, that's why.

-----------------------------------

While the Steelers nearly overcame an 18-point deficit on Sunday, their loss means that the largest deficit overcome in a Super Bowl victory remains 10 points. I find this incredibly disappointing. We've had some pretty good Super Bowls for sure, but we need a big-time comeback one of these years. It just seems wrong that it's never happened.

While I am in no way happy that the Packers won, it's at least nice to see the NFC gaining some steam again. The NFC dominated in the 80s and 90s, winning 13 straight Super Bowls from 1985-1997. But then, with the help of the Patriots, the tide turned and the AFC won eight of the next ten. Now, though, the NFC has won three of the last four.

Here's a weird stat: this was the first-ever Super Bowl decided by six points. Not that interesting, really, but there it is.

Augie Ojeda is back, bitches

2011-02-07T09:00:00.000-06:00

So tiny!

In a move that shook the very foundation of the baseball world, the Cubs signed infielder Augie Ojeda to a minor league deal. Ojeda, who stands 3 feet 7 inches tall*, was also with the Cubs from 2000 to 2003. He batted over .200 in two of those four seasons.

*After further research, it has been determined that Ojeda is actually 5 foot 9. Strange, I was so sure he was under four feet tall.

Super Bowl Preview

2011-02-04T09:00:00.001-06:00

Green Bay Packers vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

Storylines:

-The Steelers have won two of the last five Super Bowls, while the Packers last won it in 1997. Green Bay also lost the 1998 Super Bowl against the Broncos.

-The Packers, who have been around for, like, a long time, won the first two Super Bowls, giving them three total. Their supposedly "proud" history contains some bullshit about how they play on "frozen tundra" and are owned by random fat Wisconsinites.

-The Steelers won four titles in the 70s, giving them six total. They've been owned by the same family ever since Art Rooney founded the franchise in 1933. You just don't see that any more. How refreshing. We should all laud the Steelers for being a model of consistency, and should show our support by rooting for them on Sunday.

-While the Steelers, Patriots and Colts have combined for eight Super Bowl appearances in the last ten years, the NFC has incredibly had 10 teams make it over the last decade. The six who haven't played in February:

Lions: Bad.

Vikings: Even Favre couldn't save them.

Redskins: Because owner Daniel Snyder is a douche.

Cowboys: Haha.

Falcons: There's nothing worse than being the only team in the NFC South not to have made the Super Bowl in the last 10 years.

49ers: Check that. Being the only team in the NFC West not to have made it is WAY worse.

What to watch for: Blitzkrieg. And by that I mean, "a krieg's worth of blitzes." These two teams ranked 1 and 2 in total points allowed this season (with Pittsburgh being #1), and also in sacks (with Pittsburgh #1 there, too). Both defensive coordinators will surely cook up some exotic blitzes, and this game could come down to which "D" is able to pressure the opposing QB and get him out of his rhythm.

X factor: Rashard Mendenhall. I don't think Packers' rookie James Starks will be able to do much against a stout Steeler defense. But if Mendenhall can give the Steelers a running game and put Big Ben in short third down situations, it would give Pittsburgh a huge edge in what will likely be a close-fought game.

Prediction: Steelers 21, Packers 17. This is in no way an objective prediction. I would like nothing more than to see the Packers metaphorically sodomized with a traffic cone covered in pine needles. Again, metaphorically. I hate their organization, I hate their asshole fans, and I hate their stupid quarterback. He is awesome, though, which makes me hate him even more. So get out your Terrible Towel, put on your Troy Polamalu wig, and destroy all the cheese in your house. Or, put another way: Go Steelers!

ESPN's new futuristic BottomLine tells viewers what's going to happen

2011-02-03T09:00:00.000-06:00

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

BRISTOL, Conn.--This week, ESPN launched its revolutionary new BottomLine that, rather than simply providing live scores or upcoming game information, informs viewers about what is going to happen. Sports and media analysts are touting the network's newest innovation as one of the most groundbreaking in recent memory.

"Here at ESPN, we are always looking for new ways to improve the viewer's experience," said Chief Technology Officer Charles Pagano. "This is the 21st century. Sports fans don't just want to know who's playing tonight, they want to know who's going to win. Now all they'll have to do is tune into one of ESPN's 47 networks and glance at the BottomLine to know."

Spokesmen for several Las Vegas sportsbooks said they expect a huge increase in betting and are nervous about setting lines with future results available to bettors. "This is bullshit," commented one oddsmaker. Added a random bettor, "Fuck. Yeah."

Pagano said that there is one kink they have yet to iron out: ESPN is currently unable to show future results for any game being aired on an ESPN affiliate. "The big college basketball game on ESPN this Saturday? You'll have to watch to find out what happens there," Pagano said. "But there's not much point in watching the Super Bowl on Fox this Sunday (27-24 Steelers, according to the BottomLine), which means you can watch the big bowling tournament on ESPN! Everyone wins."

Random thoughts after a nearly sportsless weekend

2011-01-31T09:00:00.001-06:00

If the regular season is any indication, March Madness should be quite mad indeed. Eleven ranked teams lost on Saturday, and the #1 and #2 teams narrowly escaped unranked foes by one and three points, respectively. Then on Sunday, #3 Duke--a team that might have been unstoppable this year if freshman phenom Kyrie Irving hadn't gotten injured--suffered a sadistic beating at the hands of St. John's. At last report the Blue Devils were listed in critical condition. Only one Division I team--Ohio State--has beaten all comers to this point.

According to the Tribune, there are two finalists to take over the seat formerly filled by Ron Santo: Dave Otto and Keith Moreland. No Doug Glanville? Really?

Here's how you know the NHL All-Star Game and NFL Pro Bowl both suck: they don't even bother to hold them on separate days. While MLB's All-Star Game has lost a little something over the years, can you imagine another All-Star Game taking place on the same day?

Every year, this past weekend is one of the worst weekends on the sports calendar. The only football is a fake game played in Hawaii by the back-ups replacing the actual Pro Bowlers who, it turns out, want no part of the charade. And it's not quite February yet, so we can't even think about talking baseball. Same goes for March Madness--you can't pretend it's right around the corner given that when you flip your monthly calendar in a few days, it still won't say "March" at the top. I just feel so lost, and ... empty inside. Fortunately, my parents, sister and niece Brooklyn were here to save the weekend. Let's look at a picture of Brooklyn to cheer ourselves up:

Eight things I'll be doing now that the Bears' season is over (in no particular order)

2011-01-28T09:00:00.004-06:00

8. Rooting for a potential rapist/definite scumbag to beat the daylight out of the stupid Packers next Sunday. Need more reasons to root against the Pack, other than the fact that they're the Packers? (Of course you don't.) Here are two: Troy Polamalu is awesome and Rashard Mendenhall went to U of I. But those are reasons 99 and 100. Reasons 1-98: F--k the Packers.

7. Rooting on the Titan basketball teams. Though the women aren't immune to losing like they were the last couple seasons, they're 15-3 overall and have yet to lose in their six conference games. The men have been up and down and continue to deal with injuries, but they remain a top 25 team.

6. Watching the Bulls. At 31-14, the Bulls have practically locked up the division (seriously, they have a 13 game lead) and are a legitimate contender in the East. They're 21-4 at home and would be the 3 seed if the season ended today.

5. Watching Derrick Rose specifically. While he's not quite on the level of that other famous Chicago Bull who is now retired and gives mean speeches, he has reached the level of "Worth watching a game just to see the two or three ludicrous plays he's going to make." He'll cut through three defenders, switch hands and lay it in, or make a dizzying spin move and get an "and one." He's filthy.

4. Following Illinois' Big Ten season. A home loss to Ohio State virtually eliminated them from contention for the regular season title, but they're still ranked in the top 20 and have the potential for a deep tournament run.

3. Following the NFL's labor negotiations. If I find out there's no NFL next year, I expect to react something like this (just replace Clark's boss with the NFL owners and players):

Clark Freaks Out
Christmas Vacation at MOVIECLIPS.com

2. Following all the top college bball teams in preparation for March Madness. Did you know the Big East has four teams in the top 10, the Big Ten has six ranked teams and there are two Mountain West teams in the top 10 (San Diego State and BYU)?

1. Counting down the days until baseball season. Pitchers and catchers report February 14, which is less than three weeks away.

Cubs sign, um, Todd Wellemeyer?

2011-01-26T08:48:00.000-06:00

Seriously, the Cubs signed Todd Wellemeyer. The Cubs drafted him in 2000 and even though he didn't make it to the majors until 2003, he has already managed to pitch poorly for five different MLB teams. Even Dave Duncan could only get him to be good for one out of three seasons in St. Louis.

No worries, though: it's actually just a minor league deal. Besides, he won the World Series with the Giants last year! (I mean he didn't literally win it. He didn't actually pitch in the playoffs, but he was totally in the dugout!)

Bears down ... and out

2011-01-25T09:00:00.001-06:00

NFC Championship: Packers 21, Bears 14

I'm not gonna lie t'ya: This one hurt, and it's gonna hurt for a while. The entire game was like being stabbed in various body parts with a fork. A fork covered in cheese. And what body part was that being stabbed when Sam Shields's interception ended the game? THAT WAS YOUR SOUL. Your soul was being stabbed. And what's that feeling you had the rest of Sunday afternoon and night? That was a feeling they call "being dead inside."

It was awful. Just awful. You got that bad feeling in your stomach right off the bat when the Packers drove for a touchdown in about eight seconds. And while the defense ultimately did all they could to make a game of it and Caleb Hanie fell just short in his search for a miracle, it was mostly just one big kick to the kidney. So close, yet so incredibly, hellishly painful.

Shouldn't he have at least had a headset on rather than headphones?

Oh, Jay. I'm not mad at you for coming out of the game--especially after it was revealed you have a Grade II MCL tear--I'm just mad at you for sucking. You completed six passes. Six. For 80 yards. No touchdowns, one pick. Not good. Not good at all. Bad Cutler!

Do you know how many touchdowns Cutler threw this year? Twenty-three. Do you know how many Rex Grossman threw in the '06-'07 season? Twenty-three. I'll spare you the misery and stop the comparison there, except to say that both Rex Grossman and Jay Cutler suffer from a disease in which an evil alter ego periodically takes over and destroys everything, making all that is good in the world ugly and bad. Cutler's QB rating of 31.8 was lower than the rating he posted in that massacre against the Giants when he played the entire first half from his back. Cutler SUCKED. Hell, it was for the best that he came out. He missed a wide open Devin Hester at least twice and missed several other open receivers, plus he fumbled. Once the Bears got around to remembering that Todd Collins is bad at football, Chad Hanie at least turned it into a photo finish, gave the Bears a chance--Cutler didn't give them any chance at all.

Can Cutler ever take the Bears to the promised land, or will he always have several games each season in which he decides to hibernate? Only time will tell. But it's not a good sign that Rodgers--who's in just his third full year--is lighting up the NFL and headed to Dallas, while Cutler--who's four years into his career--bombed his "Is He an Elite QB?" audition on Sunday. Rodgers was waiting in the wings when Favre left, whereas the Bears had to trade a pile of picks just to get Cutler, the man with the 16th-best QB rating in the NFL this season. The Bears made the trade with the hopes of obtaining an elite QB. Here's why:

Super Bowl-winning quarterbacks since 2004

Drew Brees

Ben Roethlisberger

Eli Manning

Peyton Manning

Tom Brady

Other than perhaps Eli, will Cutler ever come close to being the QB those other guys are? Will he ever be Aaron Rodgers? How about Philip Rivers? Or even Matt Schaub? Matt Ryan?

While it may be too early to say for sure that he won't, I know the answer I'd put my money on. He's got a hell of a lot to prove. Footwork to work on. Traffic to stop throwing into. He's got a great arm and ... that's about it. In yards/game this season, he ranked 20th in the NFL. Behind rookie Sam Bradford. Behind Ryan Fitzpatrick. Behind Shaun Hill. Granted, the Bears tended to play things closer to the vest because of their great defense and because their running game came on strong in the second half of the season, but still ... 20th. And granted, they need an offensive line and a #1 receiver, but so do the Bills and Rams. For all those questioning Cutler's toughness--why bother when there are so many legitimate questions about his talent? It's not a good sign that the Bears seemed to have a better chance with Hanie on the field than Cutler.

From the Others Deserve Blame category, the special teams provided nothing, the timeout the Bears called late in the game was terrible in that it gave a winded Packers defense time to breathe, and the play call out of the timeout--a reverse you could see coming from a mile away--was atrocious.

But on the other side of the ball, the defense played a phenomenal game, breathing life into the team several times when the Packers were on the verge of putting the game away. Despite having their backs against the goal line the entire game, they held the Packers to two touchdowns (obviously the Packers' pick six can't be counted against the D). But no surprise there--this unit was fantastic all season long and deserves all the praise they get.

It pains me to say it, but the Packers earned their trip to the Super Bowl--they overcame season-ending injuries to their starting running back, tight end and a linebacker, along with two other starters. They won three road games in the playoffs against the top three seeds in the conference. I hate the Packers so much that I'm considering never eating cheese again, but you have to admit they're good.

There's no doubt about this: It was still a heck of a season. Unless you're the Patriots or Steelers, it's quite an accomplishment to be on the field two weeks before the Super Bowl. Congrats to Lovie and all the Bears on a very memorable ride through the end of 2010 and beginning of 2011.

In addition to being memorable, losing in the NFC Championship is admirable. Unfortunately, when that loss is at the hands of the Packers, it's also brutal. What I wouldn't have given to see a different outcome. What I wouldn't have sacrificed. Sadly, it didn't work out.

'Til next year.

P.S. I gotta give credit to Sports Illustrated's Peter King, who predicted a Packers-Steelers Super Bowl before the season started.

Bill Belichick's headset actually just headphones for his iPod

2011-01-24T09:00:00.003-06:00

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

Belichick, shown here during a moment of frustration because Elton John's "Rocketman" keeps skipping.

FOXBOROUGH, Mass.--While fans have naturally assumed that Patriots coach Bill Belichick's headset is a device that enables him to communicate with quarterback Tom Brady during games, sources indicated today that it's actually just a way for him to "listen to some tunes" on game days.

"A little Bon Jovi, a little Kenny Chesney," said Belichick when asked what he listens to during games. "Sometimes I go classical when we're losing late in the game and I want to make sure I remain chill."

But why the mic?

"Sometimes I like to talk back to the musicians," Belichick said. "Like if Kenny [Chesney] is feeling bad about something, I'll tell him to keep his head up, just focus on the next lyric. Or when Bryan [Adams] really nails a verse, I'll tell him, 'Way to go! All that practice really paid off.' You know, stuff like that."

When asked for his thoughts on the Patriots' playoff loss to the Jets, Belichick asked if anyone owns the iPhone 4 or has heard anything about its iPod function.

Armageddon.

2011-01-21T09:00:00.021-06:00

Reinforce the bunker. Stock up on non-perishables. The time draws near. It was prophesied:

There will be signs in the sun, moon and stars. On the earth, nations will be in anguish and perplexity at the roaring and tossing of the sea. Men will faint from terror, apprehensive of what is coming on the world, for the heavenly bodies will be shaken.

Luke 21: 25-26

The Bears' last (and only) playoff game against the Packers was in 1941. So that means it's been, um, A LONG F--KING TIME since this happened, which is because THIS ONLY HAPPENS IN A CRAZY WORLD WITH NO RULES. Never before have two division rivals met in the NFC Championship, and when it happens on Sunday it will be a battle of the two oldest rivals in football. The Bears and the Packers. Good versus evil. One will go home, one will go to the Super Bowl. It's the end of the f--king world.

It's so right. Or maybe it's wrong, I don't know; the whole thing's just so nonsensical. How can the Bears be one win away from their second Super Bowl in five years, and how can it be the Green Bay Packers who stand in their way? It's awesome. It's scary. It's beautiful and daunting. Try to enjoy it. No matter what happens on Sunday, this has turned into one of the most exciting Bears seasons in history.

In my book, this will be the third-most important game the Bears have played in my lifetime, behind only their two Super Bowl appearances. And it might go down in history as the biggest game the Bears and Packers will ever play against one another. It's kind of a big deal.

They've played twice this year already, though both teams were rather different versions of themselves in the first meeting--back in September--when the Bears won 20-17 at home. The Bears' leading rusher was ... Jay Cutler, who, you might recall, is a quarterback. The Packers' leading receiver was ... Jermichael Finley, who is out for the year. And the Packers racked up 18 penalties in the loss.

Their second match-up, of course, was in Week 17. The Bears had nothing to play for but tried real hard, whereas the Packers had everything to play for. The Bears' D held the Pack in check but a strangely pass-heavy Bears offense mustered just three points. A 10-3 Packers victory launched them into the playoffs as the six seed and ultimately led to this Sunday's apocalyptic contest.

Green Bay has put up 69 points in two playoff victories, and have suddenly found a respectable rushing attack with James Starks. Aaron Rodgers absolutely shredded the Falcons defense, but I think the going will get a lot tougher at Soldier Field against the Bears' quality defense. This is not a great match-up for the Bears, though. While they can take away any team's running game, the Packers don't really care--they're a pass-first team anyways. The members of the Bears' secondary better eat their Wheaties.

On the offensive side of the ball (stop me if I've said this before), the Bears will need to be balanced. Their successful running game has enabled them to go 8-2 overall since their bye, and they racked up 176 rushing yards against Seattle. Cutler will need to watch out for fourth-year cornerback Tramon Williams: he had six picks this year and has three more in the playoffs.

The game could hinge on the third phase--special teams. In kickoff return average the Bears are second compared to the Packers' 26th. And whereas Devin Hester set an NFL record for average punt return, the Packers rank just 22nd in the NFL in that category. Hester's first of three punt return TDs this season came against Green Bay.

I haven't really celebrated Christmas the last few years, nor have I made any New Year's resolutions. Can I cash all those in for one wish? Can I just wish for the Bears to rape and pillage the Green Bay Packers and earn a trip to Dallas on February 6th? Just for the Packers to die a football death worthy of a Quentin Tarantino movie? Y'know, just to hear the words "slaughter," "destruction" and "massacre" applied to the Bears' beat down of the Packers. I just want to cheer on Lovie and the Bears and then laugh as they manhandle Mike McCarthy and his merry band of asshats. HAHAHAHAHA, I will say. Ha.

Prediction: Locusts and hail ravage the Chicago area, the Earth bursts into flames, and the galaxy implodes. Also: Bears 23, Packers 21

The 1941 Bears, who defeated the Packers 33-14 in the playoffs in route to an NFL Championship.

As my mom said, I guess there's no spell check in Cheeseland. Also, people who live in Green Bay are stupid.

AFC Championship Preview

2011-01-20T09:00:00.000-06:00

Prediction remix:

"Patriots in a game that's close but not really all that close."

Um, no. In fact, it was just the opposite--while the Jets won by just a touchdown, it never felt that close.

"This one comes down to the last play. ... Steelers by three."

Actually, seven. But I'll take it.

#6 Jets @ #2 Steelers

Sunday, 5:30 CST

Storylines:

-Amazingly, Mark Sanchez has led the Jets to the AFC Championship in each of his first two seasons; the franchise had only been to two prior to last year. The Jets haven't reached the Super Bowl since 1969.

-Sanchez has also already tied the record for road playoff wins by a QB with four.

-The Steelers won the AFC Championship in '06 and '09, winning the Super Bowl in those years as well.

-These two teams faced off in Pittsburgh in Week 15, with the Jets managing a 22-17 win.

-The Steelers traded receiver Santonio Holmes to the Jets this previous offseason after one too many off-the-field incidents. He had over 700 yards and six TDs this season, and had a beautiful touchdown grab against the Patriots last week.

What to watch for: The Steelers allowed an absurd 62 rushing yards/game this season; next-best in the NFL were the Bears at 90. In third? The Jets, at 91. I expect both teams to utilize short passes and screen passes so as to avoid third-and-long situations.

X factor: I have two:

1) Holmes. He's a big-play receiver (see: game-winning catch in Super Bowl XLIII) and would undoubtedly love nothing more than to burn his former team.

2) Brad Smith of the Jets. The receivers/running back/return man averaged eight yards per carry this year and had two kickoff return TDs, one against the Steelers.

(and Troy Polamalu too)

Prediction: The Jets have proved vulnerable to good defenses this season: they lost to the Ravens and Packers, and while they scored 22 against Pittsburgh earlier this year, nine of those points came on the aforementioned kickoff return TD and a safety. I've already picked against the Jets wrongly twice--why stop now? Steelers 21, Jets 13.

Cubs trade Gorzelanny to Nats for three prospects

2011-01-19T09:00:00.000-06:00

Using their newfound pitching surplus to help replenish their farm system, the Cubs traded Tom Gorzelanny to Washington on Monday for three minor leaguers: lefty Graham Hicks, righty A.J. Morris, and outfielder Michael Burgess. None of the three are among the Nationals' top ten prospects. Gorzelanny gave the Cubs great bang for their buck last year, going 7-9 with a 4.09 ERA while making just $800,000. He was acquired along with John Grabow at the 2009 trade deadline.

The trade leaves the Cubs with a right-handed rotation of Dempster, Zambrano, Garza, Wells and Silva, along with potential starters Marshall, Samardzija, James Russell and Andrew Cashner.

While Gorzelanny will not be sorely missed, the fact that he was a lefty and provided solid innings at a cheap price could cost the Cubs from a depth standpoint. On the other hand, the trade adds a bit of depth back into the farm system after the Garza trade.

By the way, the Cubs avoided arbitration with all of their arb-eligible players except Carlos Marmol, though they were said to be working on a long-term deal. Last year Ryan Theriot became the first Cub to go to arbitration since Mark Grace in 1993.

There's no place like home

2011-01-18T09:00:00.001-06:00

NFC Divisional Playoff: Bears 35, Seahawks 24

Though Forte fell just short of the goal line here, he led a potent Bears rushing attack that racked up 176 yards.

I tapped my heels three times, but it turns out this is no dream--the Bears really are going to be in the NFC Championship this Sunday, and they really will be playing the game at Soldier Field. It's sort of hard to wrap your mind around. But suddenly it all feels so ... real. One win from reaching the Super Bowl. Two wins away from being Super Bowl champions. So it's official, then: this is an Awesome Fucking Season.

The Bears got to this point by introducing Seattle to the back of their hand on Sunday. I started letting my brain think of little other than the game at about, say, 10 o'clock Saturday night. I was awoken by an uncontrollable sense of anticipation around 8 a.m. Sunday morning. I was boiling over with excitement at noon. ... And the game was basically over at about 1:30. A laugher. The Bears put it in drive and pressed the cruise control button, covering the big 10-point spread despite not really so much caring about the fourth quarter.

In his first playoff game since, like, elementary school, Jay Cutler avoided mistakes and helped the Bears with both his arm and his feet. He wasn't superbly accurate (15-for-28), but he amassed 274 yards, found two different tight ends for passing touchdowns and ran two in himself. It was nice to see that the Bears still had some tricks up their sleeve even in their 17th game of the season: since when do they call a QB draw from six yards out? Since when do they stretch the field using Greg Olsen, who had a beautiful 58-yard touchdown grab on the Bears' third offensive play en route to a career-high 113-yard day? The whole Forte Throwing the Ball to the Other Team Experiment was not good, though. Not good at all. No more of that, please.

The real story was the defense, though. Sure, they gave up some junk points late in the game, but they maintained a shutout till late in the third quarter and looked very much like a championship defense. Not until the game was out of hand did the Seahawks do anything noteworthy on offense. I said the game was basically over at 1:30--in reality, it was over when it started because Peppers, Urlacher and Co. had no intention of doing anything other than metaphorically throwing the Seahawks to the ground and stomping on their chests repeatedly. Quite effective, that metaphorical chest-stomping.

So while the Bears sent the Seahawks packing, the Bears themselves will go Packing. An epic match-up with their biggest rival will determine the NFC's Super Bowl nominee, and the Bears get the advantage of playing on home soil. When I bet on the Bears to exceed Vegas's posted total of eight regular season wins earlier this year, I must admit that I didn't exactly think they'd be playing in their third NFC Championship of my lifetime come late January*. But here we are. Bears vs. Packers. It doesn't get any better than this. Unless ...

Enjoy the week, and see you on Sunday.

*My sister Mandy did, though. She had me put money on the Bears to win it all, and I talked her down from a $20 wager to $10. Sorry about that, Mandy. I hope to feel really guilty in three weeks.

The name game, vol 11.1

2011-01-17T09:00:00.000-06:00

Shabazz Napier, UCONN

I assume Shabazz is so-named because his parents are fans of the Nation of Islam? But even so ... Shabazz. Even Malcolm X eventually realized it was best to go a different direction, and Shabazz wasn't even his first name.

D.J. Gay, San Diego State

"Join us at Manville's as D.J. Gay mixes it up on the ones and twos

from midnight to three a.m.! Lots of Elton John and Ricky Martin! Come for the tunes, stay for the Cosmos!"

D.J. Boney, Delaware

He must have the 3 - 5 a.m. time slot. He doesn't even need to use his hands to operate the turntables.

Wquinton Smith, Wisconsin

No. Just no.

The same name game--players who share a name with a famous person

Reggie Jackson, Boston College

Mike Singletary, Texas Tech

Billy Kidd, Delaware (middle name "The")

Bears' 2010 luck stretches into 2011

2011-01-14T09:00:00.004-06:00

Tyler Thigpen. Drew Stanton. Joe Webb. A schedule that looked difficult prior to the season but turned out to be softer than Puffs Plus when patsies like Carolina and Buffalo helped the Bears crank up the Win Machine 11 times in the regular season.

And now this. An 8-9 team coming to Soldier Field with a trip to the NFC Championship on the line. Really? Is this really happening? Why do I feel like any moment now I'm going to be telling my friends about this dream I had in which the Bears were playing the Seahawks in the second round of the playoffs? ("The Seahawks? And you believed that? Even for a dream, that's weird, dude ...")

Who is the Greek god of football anyway, whom we must thank? Wait, there IS no Greek god of football? That's ridiculous. There's a goddess of water-meadows. There's a god of forethought, for god's sake. There MUST be a god of football. After all, how could it be possible for the Bears to face a team that still hasn't won as many games as it's lost this season without the benevolent assistance of a merciful god of football?

But just to be clear, this isn't to say the Bears aren't a good team. Luck and talent aren't mutually exclusive. In fact, when it comes to sports, talent is best served with a nice hearty side of luck. The Bears have had their share this year, but they've also taken advantage of it.

In honor of the aforementioned god of forethought, let's think a bit more about this upcoming game. We'd be wise to remember that nothing is guaranteed in the NFL playoffs, as the Saints could attest. In fact, the Bears already lost to the Seahawks earlier this season, 23-20, in what turned out to be one of just two road wins for Seattle all year. Plus, if you weren't aware, this will also be Cutler's playoff debut. But there's good news. Here are a few of the very fixable things that went wrong on October 17:

Cutler got sacked six times. While the offensive line still has its share of problems (the Packers got him six times in Week 17 as well), it has definitely improved since then. Cutler was sacked five times combined against New England, Minnesota and the Jets.
As was common early in the season, the play calling was extremely unbalanced: 45 passes and 14 runs. Seattle's run defense is below average and the Bears committed to the run game in the second half of the season. Expect a very different offensive approach Sunday compared to what we saw in Week 6.
The Bears were a horrific, pathetic 0-for-12 on third down and still lost by just three. Such an extreme lack of success on third down would be hard to replicate even if the Bears tried.
Lance Briggs missed the game, but he'll be on the field Sunday.

While we certainly can't take anything for granted, the Bears will have the clear talent advantage this weekend and face a team that was 2-6 on the road this season. In their last three road games, the Seahawks lost by 15, 19 and 23. So while the Falcons worked hard to secure the #1 seed, they now face the red-hot Packers while the Bears get quite possibly the worst team ever to have made the playoffs.

Lastly, I am required by law to provide a prediction remix, wherein we find that I may or may not have analogized the Seahawks to an unhygienic, rather freakish girl who embarrasses herself in a beauty pageant by injuring herself after falling off the stage. I was just kidding, Seahawks! You took that seriously? Noooo, I was totally kidding. Toooootally kidding.

Prediction: The Seahawks are forced to rely on the pass while the Bears' balanced attack enables them to pull away. Bears by 13.

Divisional Round Preview: NFC (the not-Bears game)

2011-01-13T09:00:00.000-06:00

Prediction remix:

"I'll go with the Packers. If it comes down to the end of the game and one defense has to step up and make a play, I like the Packers' D to make that play."

Nailed it!

#6 Packers (11-6) @ #1 Falcons (13-3)

Saturday, 7:00 CST

Storylines:

-These two met in Atlanta in Week 12. Green Bay tied it with under a minute to go but Atlanta returned the kick to the 49 and ultimately kicked a field goal to win it.

-Matt Ryan is 20-2 at the Georgia Dome in his career.

-The Falcons last reached the NFC Championship in the '04-'05 season, the Packers in the '07-'08 season.

What to watch for: Can the Packers remain balanced on offense? James Starks had 101 yards rushing all season but had 123 against the Eagles last week. While the Falcons have been balanced all year, it will be interesting to see if the Packers can have success on the ground once again.

X factor: Falcons defensive end John Abraham. He was fifth in the NFL this season with 13 sacks and got Rodgers once back in Week 12. You have to get pressure on Rodgers if you wanna beat the Packers, and Abraham is the key to the Falcons' pass rush.

Prediction: This should be a great game. But while the Packers did win on the road last week, they were just 3-5 away from Lambeau in the regular season. Combine that with Ryan's amazing home record ... I'm going with the trends in this one. Falcons in a nail-biter.

Divisional Round Preview: AFC

2011-01-12T09:00:00.000-06:00

One thing I hate is when radio and TV personalities make predictions and then don't own up to them after the games take place. So here you go:

Prediction remix:

"The Ravens can stop the run just about as well as anyone ... Ravens by seven."

The Ravens actually won by 23. I'll take it.

"I'm not ready to pick against Peyton Manning ... I don't trust Mark Sanchez ... Jets kicker Nick Folk has one of the lowest field goal percentages in the league ... Colts in a close one."

Sanchez led the Jets down the field with under a minute to go and Folk hit the game-winner. I suck.

THEME SONG FOR THIS WEEKEND'S AFC MATCH-UPS (fast-forward to 1:00 mark):

Turns out that video's kind of weirdly inappropriate. But what I'm trying to say is: I'm so excited. And I just can't hide it. I'm about to lose control and I think I like it. I mean, a classic Ravens/Steelers match-up AND another Jets/Patriots game? That's fantastic!

#5 Ravens (13-4) @ #2 Steelers (12-4)

Saturday, 3:30 CST

Storylines:

-They've split 2-2 over the last two seasons, every game has been decided by three points and each team has scored 67 points total.

-In the 2008-09 AFC Championship, Pittsburgh defeated Baltimore 23-14 en route to a Super Bowl victory.

What to watch for: Both teams rank in the top five in rush defense. Will Ray Rice or Rashard Mendenhall be able to carve out any success, or will the game's outcome rely on the arms of the QBs?

X factor: Troy Polamalu. In my view, he's the most important defensive player in the NFL. He's a forced turnover waiting to happen.

Prediction: This one comes down to the last play. When in doubt, take the home team: Steelers by three.

#6 Jets (12-5) @ #1 Patriots (14-2)

Sunday, 3:30 CST

Storylines:

-I wanted a third Jets/Patriots game. I needed a third Jets/Patriots game. These coaches hate each other like Brett Favre hates retirement.

-They split their regular season match-ups, but the Patriots won 45-3 in New England in Week 13.

-The Jets are trying to make it two straight years in the AFC Championship; the Patriots last made it in '08.

What to watch for: When the two coaches shake hands after the game, will Rex Ryan make any attempt to eat Bill Belichick? Will Belichick use his secret knowledge of the rare form of martial arts known as aikido to kill Ryan in 1.2 seconds?

X factor: The tight ends. The middle of the field is often the easiest place to attack the Jets given their strength at cornerback. That works just fine for the Pats as Aaron Hernandez and Rob Gronkowki combined for 16 TDs this year. On the other side, Dustin Keller had five TDs of his own this year including one against New England in Week 2.

Prediction: Belichick is a Master Technician (seriously, that's the name for those who are Level 6 aikido), and now he has a chance to game plan against a team he's already seen twice this year. Plus, he's got some dude named Brady on his sideline. Patriots in a game that's kind of close but not really all that close.

Hopefully the last we'll be seeing of this ...

2011-01-11T09:00:00.000-06:00

I just had to post this. This is my favorite play in the NFL this year, and I can't believe it came from the Seahawks. Marshawn Lynch's 3.6 yards per carry this season ranked him 41st in the NFL, just ahead of Cadillac Williams. The Seahawks are the first sub-.500 team EVER to make the playoffs. And yet ...

Patiently rebuilding? Jim Hendry changes course

2011-01-10T09:00:00.000-06:00

We interrupt this Bears playoff run to bring you some significant Cubs news. Jim Hendry claimed last fall that the Cubs were just 3-4 moves away from becoming a legitimate contender again in 2011. I don't think anyone this side of Ronnie Woo-Woo believed him, but Hendry has put his money (or rather, Ricketts's money) where his mouth is, adding Carlos Pena, Kerry Wood, and now completing a trade for Matt Garza.

Garza, 27, will be under team control for three years, and will be arbitration-eligible in all three of them (he's likely to make about $25-30 million during that time). He was a top prospect for the Twins before they shipped him to Tampa Bay in 2008, and he had his best season in 2010: 15-10, 3.91 ERA. In four full seasons, he's never had an ERA over four. He was also the 2008 ALCS MVP. Clearly the Cubs view him as a #1 or #2 starter.

So that's what the Cubs got, but what did they give up to get it? A lot, frankly:

Chris Archer--The Cubs' #1 prospect, acquired in the DeRosa trade, he was the organization's minor league pitcher of the year in 2010 with a 2.34 ERA and 9.4 K/9

Hak-Ju Lee--#4 prospect, though he's a shortstop at low-level Single-A (and the Cubs have some guy named Castro at SS)

Brandon Guyer--#10 prospect, hit a very impressive .344/.398/.588 at Double-A last year to earn the Cubs' minor league player of the year honors

Robinson Chirinos--A 26-year-old catcher, he's stuck behind Soto. Had a .416 OBP and 18 HR last year, mostly at Triple-A

Sam Fuld

To recap, that's three top-10 prospects. As far as trade bait goes, Garza is clearly more of a Lexus than a Kia--he didn't come cheap. (The Cubs also picked up two minor league prospects from the Rays.)

I must say: As a Cubs fan, I was ready for a rebuilding year. The freakin' Reds won 91 games last year, the Cardinals figure to be just as strong this year, and the Brewers added some dude named Zack Greinke. The Cubs could have a lot of money coming off the books after 2011, including the contracts of guys like Ramirez, Silva and Fukudome. I was settled in for a year of low expectations, but apparently Hendry has different ideas.

The question is, does he truly believe they were one good starter away from competing? Or does he feel that, selfishly, he has no choice but to field a quality team this year just to save his own job? Is this about trying to vault the Cubs to the top of the standings, or about his own standing as GM when the dust clears in 2011?

I've said it here before and I'll say it again: it's impossible to analyze a trade involving minor leaguers at the time it happens. Even Bill James can't say for sure whether Chris Archer will one day be a top-flight closer, or if Lee would have eventually filled out a phenomenal middle infield for the Cubs. But Hendry better hope Garza turns into an ace, because a solid Cubs farm system just lost a lot of its luster. And in fairness to Hendry, this trade could turn into a good one even if Garza doesn't become what you'd call an "ace" until 2013. Mark Prior had an ace-like 2003, going 18-6 with a 2.43 ERA, and Zambrano has approached ace status, but for the most part the Cubs have lacked that anchor in their rotation for years.

Garza has been amazingly consistent with the Rays. His WHIP has "ranged" from 1.24 to 1.26 over the last three seasons, his ERA from 3.70 to 3.95, his games started from 30-33. He's that old CD you've listened to a million times, or that comfy hoodie you love to wear in the winter--you know exactly what you're getting.

EXCEPT that Garza was doing that in the AL East against teams like the Yankees and Red Sox. There is a fair amount of precedent revealing that pitchers can improve their performance by sliding over to the NL: guys like Joe Blanton, Cliff Lee and Javier Vazquez have become "better" simply by switching leagues.

Garza can be overly emotional at times (fitting that he has a "Z" in his name), but perhaps that will fade as he's moving toward the age of 30. Of course, that hasn't been the case with the Cubs' other guy with a "Z" in his name.

Garza's a good pitcher, but it's hard to believe that acquiring him makes the Cubs a World Series contender in '11; does it even make them a playoff team? You should probably only ship off three top-10 prospects when you're getting the real deal in return or making that one final move that puts your team over the top. I don't think that's the case here, which concerns me. It seemed like Ricketts and the Cubs had a long-term plan: stock the farm system, let the huge contracts expire, compete in 2012 or 2013. But all of a sudden Hendry pulled the trigger on a trade that shifts the focus to the present at the potential expense of the future. But again, at least Garza will be around for three years and not just one. If it's a win-now trade, I don't like it. As a win-soon trade? We'll have to wait and see.

Don't be surprised to see a couple Cubs starters show up on the hot stove given that the roster now includes Garza, Dempster, Zambrano, Wells, Gorzelanny and Silva. Perhaps Hendry will try to restock the farm system (at least partially; it's kind of like restocking the bar with one bottle of Jack after a full night of open bar) by trading away extra pieces with Garza now in the fold.

Hat tip: MLB Trade Rumors

Wild Card Weekend Preview: AFC

2011-01-07T09:00:00.000-06:00

#6 Jets (11-5) @ #3 Colts (10-6)

Saturday, 7:00 CST

Storylines:

-The two faced off in last year's AFC Championship game with the Colts winning 30-17 on the strength of a 17-0 second half. Rex Ryan, whose defenses are 1-5 against Peyton Manning (and in the one win, Manning didn't even play the second half), says it's personal against the QB, that he has "waited a full year for this" and wants to "put the shoe on the other foot" by knocking him out of the playoffs. Bad wording there, Rex. No mention of shoes or feet for you for at least, like, six months.

-The Colts are the go-about-your-business bunch with the low-key coach; the Jets are an in-your-face team with a coach who predicted his team would win the Super Bowl before the season. Makes me want the Colts.

-Peyton Manning returns to the playoffs for the 800th year in a row, while Mark Sanchez is now two-for-two in his short career. This game has something of an old guard vs. new guard theme goin' on, or something like that. Sanchez going to the playoffs his first two years but getting knocked out by the always-in-the-playoffs Manning? Makes me want the Jets.

What to watch for: Prior to the game, will Rex Ryan use Lucas Oil Stadium as a refreshing new setting for a foot fetish video? And if so, will the NFL allow him to use their cameras so it will be in hi-def?

X factor: The kickers. While the Jets' Nick Folk has one of the lowest field goal percentages in the league, the Colts' Adam Vinatieri has missed just two all season.

Prediction: These ain't your older brother's Colts. Injuries to receivers, a tight end and safety Bob Sanders have transformed the Colts from the near-infallible squad we've become used to into a 10-6 team that didn't put the Jaguars away until last Sunday. But they were 6-2 at home this year and I'm not ready to pick against Peyton Manning. After all, it is a night game. On top of that, I don't trust Mark Sanchez. Colts in a close one.

#5 Ravens (12-4) @ #4 Chiefs (10-6)

Sunday, 12:00 CST

Storylines:

-The Ravens won two more games than the Chiefs this year but are forced to go on the road because they're in a division with the Steelers while the Chiefs ... well, aren't.

-The Chiefs bring their league-best running game against the Ravens' top-five rush defense.

What to watch for: Are the Chiefs ready for playoff football? They haven't been to the postseason since 2006, haven't hosted a playoff game since 2003, and haven't won a playoff game since 1993. The Ravens, on the other hand, have been invited to the playoff party four of the last five years.

X factor: Ravens safety Ed Reed. Matt Cassel has been very protective of the ball this year--just seven interceptions--but Reed had an insane eight interceptions in just 10 games this year.

Prediction: The Chiefs didn't lose at home until Sunday against the Raiders, and their league-best running game is nothing to sneeze at. But the Ravens can stop the run just about as well as anyone, and besides, this is a passing league. Ravens by seven.

Wild Card Weekend Preview: NFC

2011-01-06T09:00:00.000-06:00

#5 Saints (11-5) @ #4 Seahawks (7-9)

Saturday, 3:30 CST

Storylines:

-So we do in fact have to let the Seahawks play in the playoffs just because they won their division? That's official? Okay, fine, just checking.

-The Seahawks as a playoff team are like the smelly girl from down the street whom we have to let participate in the town beauty pageant because, well, I mean she got all her paperwork in on time, so what can we really do? Yes, I know the neighbors say she doesn't brush her teeth because she says "toothbrushes feel prickly" and yes, I know her talent portion is likely to be that weird, disturbing dance she can sometimes be seen practicing on her front lawn with her pet mouse, but dammit I'm not gonna be the one to tell her parents she can't participate.

What to watch for: Will it be Charlie Whitehurst or Matt Hasselbeck behind center? In a 34-19 loss earlier this season, Hasselbeck had a very good game but a balanced Saints team still beat the Seahawks easily. With that in mind, does it really f--king matter who starts at quarterback? Unless Pete Carroll decides to start himself, no, no it does not.

X Factor: Turnovers. I can't see how it's possible for the Seahawks to win this game unless they somehow dominate the turnover battle.

Prediction: The girl from down the street falls off the stage and sustains life-threatening injuries. (i.e. Saints win easy.)

#6 Packers (10-6) @ #3 Eagles (10-6)

Sunday, 3:30 CST

Storylines:

-These two met up in Philly way back in Week 1, back during the Kevin Kolb Experiment. Vick came in after Kolb got hurt and made it close, but the Packers won 27-20.

-Both teams lost in the first round last season. The last time they faced each other in the playoffs was the '03-'04 season when Donovan McNabb led the Eagles to victory after converting a late 4th-and-26 to send it into overtime. (Yes, I had to look that up.)

What to watch for: Both Mike McCarthy and Andy Reid suck at time management, but which will make the terrible decision that cripples his team at a critical time? Will McCarthy go for two after a game-tying touchdown? Will Reid call a timeout before the game starts? Will either of them, late in the game, opt to punt from the red zone?

X factor: Special teams. The Packers' kickoff and punt return averages suck, whereas the Eagles of course have DeSean Jackson. Jackson only has the one touchdown against the Giants, but he has a solid return average and could help the Eagles win the field position battle.

Prediction: I don't know, I don't know ... I DON'T KNOW, OK?? I guess I'll go with the Packers. If it comes down to the end of the game and one defense has to step up and make a play, I like the Packers' D to make that play. The Eagles' offensive line scares me. Rooting for the Eagles, picking the Packers. Now lay off.

NFC West drunkenly resolves to be better in 2011

2011-01-04T09:00:00.000-06:00

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

It was a long, depressing season for the NFL's NFC West division: all four of its teams were outscored on the season and the Seahawks won the division despite a sub-par 7-9 record. The year of struggles apparently led the division to hit the sauce pretty hard on New Year's Eve, and sources report that a highly intoxicated NFC West acted quite foolishly on December 31 and made just one drunken resolution: to be much better in 2011.

"I'm gonna ... lisssen to me ... I'm gonna be better," he whispered to the AFC North while standing much closer than necessary. "You watch. You watch."

The NFC West was reportedly badgering the NFC East all night, trying to negotiate a trade of teams so that the Eagles--a perennially strong team--could join the West.

"Hey you. Hey you!" he said, wobbly, but somehow still on his feet. "Kin we have th' Eagles? Heydidyouhearme can we have the Eagles?? That would be sooo awesome. Man I love the Eagles."

The NFC East sought refuge in the family room, but the NFC West found him again later in the night.

"I'll give you the Cardinals, man," he whispered, his eyes barely open. "They gotta go, man. They suck. F--k them, man."

NFC West's friends say that it wasn't just New Year's Eve--that he's been drinking a lot for the past year or so. They say they'd love to help him but feel he's beyond help at this point, plus he lives way out on the West Coast which is just so far away.

Ten things to remember about a great '10 season

2011-01-03T09:00:00.001-06:00

I hope we'll have 10 more memories to discuss about the Bears' postseason, but no matter what happens in the playoffs, I'll always have fond memories of the 2010 season. Here's my Top 10 list:

10. Forte's big year

His 4.5 yards per carry easily eclipsed the 3.9 of his rookie season, and while he fumbled twice as a receiver, he never lost a fumble when handling the ball as a running back. On top of that, his receiving average rivaled that of guys like Devin Hester and Lance Moore. He is the only Bear other than Walter Payton to rack up 1,000 rushing yards and 500 receiving yards in a season.

9. The Bears were 6-2 on the road, their best mark away from home since 2006

Bodes well should they have to head to Atlanta for the NFC Championship game. Only the Steelers had a better road record.

8. Forte's big day against Detroit ... as a receiver

In Mike Martz's first game as offensive coordinator, Matt Forte caught seven passes out of the backfield for a team-high 151 yards and two touchdowns; he had no receiving touchdowns in 2009. It was clear right from the start that we'd be seeing a different Bears offense in 2010.

7. D.J. Moore's pick six against Washington

Israel Idonije batted it in the air, Moore snatched it and took it to the house. We'll choose to ignore the fact that DeAngelo Hall had a pick six of his own and three more interceptions in the Redskins win.

6. The defense posts a rare shutout ... on the road

Sure, it was Tyler Thigpen, and yes, Brandon Marshall didn't play the second half. But holding any NFL team scoreless for 60 minutes is quite an accomplishment; there were only five shutouts in the NFL this season.

5. The Calvin Johnson Call

It's scary to think about how different the Bears season might have been without the benefit of the crazy call that gave the Bears their first win. It was a gut-wrenching feeling when Johnson went up and hauled in a pass to give the Lions the lead with under a minute to play, which made it all the more glorious when referee Gene Steratore overturned the call--and potentially turned around the Bears' season.

4. Cutler's three pass TDs and 117 yards ... in the third quarter

In Week 16 against the Jets, Jay Cutler was 6-for-7 for 117 yards and three TDs in the third quarter alone; there were ten games this season in which Cutler didn't throw for three touchdowns. Knox grabbed two of 'em and Hester another, and the amazing quarter helped lead the Bears to a huge 38-34 victory.

3. Bears beat Detroit a second time, netting me a Vegas victory

As you know, I won $22 from Vegas after betting that the Bears would win nine or more games this season. It was a not-as-comfortable-as-it-should-have-been 24-20 victory in Detroit that officially turned my betting slip into a winner.

2. Hester's record-breaking punt return at TCF Bank Stadium

You've seen it before, but you know you want to watch it again:

1. Favre meets his end

In a season in which the Bears earned a playoff bye, they also forced Brett Favre to wave bye-bye to football for good. It was not only the best Bears moment of the year, but quite possibly their best moment since they earned a trip to the Super Bowl four years ago. Hopefully we can replace that moment with some even better ones these next few weeks.

Bears try to work toward two seed in final home game

2010-12-23T09:00:00.000-06:00

The Bears are almost assured of being either the NFC's two seed or three seed. It's extremely likely that the Eagles will be the Bears' main competition in that race, and it pretty much comes down to this: if the Bears win as many or more games than the Eagles over their final two, they get the bye. If the Eagles win more than the Bears, then the Bears get a home game in the first round. (The Eagles host the Vikings and Cowboys in their last two games.) While it's nice to be the three seed at worst, that bye is still a pretty big carrot hanging out there, and the Bears should be plenty motivated this Sunday and next. That's good, because the Jets have plenty to play for as well.

Rex Ryan's bunch is a tough team to figure out: they've beaten bad teams (Denver, Detroit, Houston and Cleveland) by close margins, and recently they got crushed by the Patriots and lost an ugly 10-6 game to Miami. So just when their bandwagon emptied out, they went to Pittsburgh and beat the Steelers.

With the forecast calling for temps in the 20s and snow and two top-five defenses taking the field, it should be a bruising battle at Soldier Field. It was great to see the Bears have success in the cold last week, if for no other reason than they'll be hosting at least one more cold game in the playoffs.

KEYS TO THE GAME

Kick returns. The Bears average 27.0 yards per return, second-best in the NFL, while the Jets hold opponents to the fourth-fewest yards on returns. And watch out for Jets' returner Brad Smith--he averages nearly 30 yards per return and has two TDs.

Blitz pick-up. Any team using a 3-4 defensive scheme--as the Jets do--is going to blitz. But Rex Ryan likes to blitz as much as he likes to f--king swear. We've seen the Bears have trouble with this in the past; Cutler's availability for the playoffs might depend on their ability to do it this Sunday.

Interceptions. Sanchez and Cutler have thrown 12 and 13 picks, respectively, but while the Bears have snagged 19 balls from opposing QBs, the Jets have just seven interceptions all year.

And with that, I'm signing off until 2011. Enjoy the rest of the NFL season and have a happy New Year!

After Peterson and Favre get subtracted, Bears add a win and claim division

2010-12-22T09:00:00.002-06:00

'Twas five days before Christmas, they were playing outdoors,

But not a Viking was stirring, not even Ol' #4,

Hester and Cutler got the Bears a big win,

And everyone hoped Favre would never be seen again

Merry Christmas to Bears fans! Wow, Santa! I mean, all I expected was maybe a new hat or a video game, but all THIS?!

Let's see what's in my stocking ... whoa, three touchdowns from Jay Cutler? That's nice. That's really nice. Wait, what's this one sort of hidden at the bottom? Wow, five turnovers! This is fantastic!

Okay I wanna open this little one over here under the tree. Oh my gosh. No way. Devin Hester's record-breaking punt return for a touchdown? Santa, you're really gettin' after it this year. Can I open this one over here now? Oh come on. This is too much. Brett Favre decided to play at the last minute but then the Bears f--king steamrolled him and he laid on the turf seemingly lifeless before coming out of possibly his last game ever with a head injury? F--king SWEET, Santa! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED! It's like you had access to the Christmas list IN MY BRAIN. That image where Favre is apparently comatose on the turf with several Bears peering down at his decrepit body will literally get me through the next 7-8 months of my life. By that I mean anything, literally anything terrible could happen to me but I will still wake up each morning with a huge grin on my face because I will have mental access to that image. That play was a Christmas miracle.

What's that? There's one more present but you have to go get out of the garage cuz it's so big? Oh man, is this going to be what I think it is? Holy crap, IT IS. An NFC North title after just 14 games. I can't believe it. This is ... man, I'm all choked up ... this is the best Christmas EVER. Where did you get this? Back in August, I didn't even think they made these any more! You and baby Jesus really did it up right this year, Santa.

For much of the season, the Bears and Packers jostled back and forth,

But 'twas a Monday night victory gave the Bears the NFC North,

Could it be like '85, could it be like '06?

Might we see a Super Bowl Shuffle remix?

Cutler's playing well, Devin Hester's ridiculous,

In the backfield, Bears defenders are ubiquitous,

The season's not over, for the two seed's still in sight,

But either way the Bears are in the playoffs, so all is right

Humor Vault Headlines

2010-12-21T09:00:00.000-06:00

East Carolina disappointed by selection to new ShittyFootballTeams.com Bowl

Cam Newton on winning the Heisman: "I'd rather have the money"

Jon Gruden finally goes too far, says backup Dan Orlovsky is greatest QB of all time

Wood you believe it?

2010-12-20T09:00:00.000-06:00

Just call this contract "For the love of the Cubs." Kerry Wood, aka Kid K, aka the man who had people walking around the North Side wearing shirts reading "We've Got Wood" for 10 years, is set to return to the team that drafted him fourth overall 15 years ago. But the contract isn't the two-year, $12 million he was reportedly seeking. And it's not for $3.5 million, which the White Sox offered him. And it's not a multi-year deal like the two-year, $10 million deal the Yankees offered him. Nope, Wood signed for one year, $1.5 million, just slightly more than the Mets will be paying back-up catcher Ronnie Paulino (that last stat courtesy of Ken Rosenthal).

And they said Cliff Lee left money on the table--Wood took $98.5 million less than him!

But seriously, it'll be great to have Wood back in the fold. He belongs in a Cubs uniform. He's a good clubhouse presence. On the mound, it's hard to know how good he'll be: in 23 games with the Indians in 2010, he had a 6.30 ERA; in 24 games with the Yankees, he had a stellar 0.69 ERA. Wood found himself on the DL twice last season, once with a back strain and once with a blister. But Wood, 33, clearly has the stuff to be a solid set-up man in front of Marmol, and it's basically impossible to disagree with the signing given that he'll be making about three times the league minimum.

Back to the clubhouse presence issue: I realize that championships aren't won in the clubhouse. The key ingredient for any successful team is good players, not good teammates. But there's still value in having a clubhouse full of guys who get along, pull for each other and are willing to take blame when things go wrong. Kerry Wood and Carlos Pena are the anti-Sammy Sosa, the anti-Milton Bradley in this regard, and it will be a nice change of pace.

The Wood signing is a feel good story. I personally didn't want any part of the two-year, $20 million deal he got when he left the Cubs after the 2008 season. So from a financial standpoint, I wasn't upset to see him go. But I was still sad that Wood would no longer be a Cub--it felt like the end of an era. Something feels right about having him back, and it's always nice to see a player take less money to be where he wants to be. It's even nicer to see a player refuse more money from the White Sox in order to play for the Cubs.

Kid K is no kid any more, but no kidding, I'm excited to have him back.

Bears' season hinges on game against Vikings

2010-12-17T09:00:00.000-06:00

I'm calling it: on Monday night, the Bears will clinch the NFC North title. Not that ballsy of a prediction, but still, I'm calling it.

Of course, for that to be possible, the Packers must lose to the Patriots in their prime time game Sunday night. Aaron Rodgers's status is still up in the air after he suffered his second concussion of the season, but I'm going Patriots either way. Even if Rodgers suits up after an entire week without practice, the Packers will have a tough time keeping up with the Pats in Foxborough. Last time Rodgers played after suffering a concussion, Green Bay lost to the Dolphins and Rodgers had an 84.5 QB rating.

Should New England prevail, the Monday night game will essentially define the Bears' season. A win gives them their first NFC North title since 2006. A loss gives the Bears their first divisional loss and therefore keeps the Packers in the hunt. Oh, man, I am ready for some football.

The Bears will have a couple of significant advantages. First, Minnesota won't have the benefit of a true home game because their f--king roof collapsed, though it will still be played in Minneapolis at nearby University of Minnesota. Second, they may not have the benefit of being able to start a true NFL quarterback because Favre is hurt, Tarvaris Jackson is out for the year, and third-stringer Joe Webb is ... well, to be honest, I have no idea who the hell Joe Webb is (Googling ... he's a rookie out of UAB). It looks like the Bears will be facing a third string quarterback for the third time in five weeks (Tyler Thigpen and Drew Stanton being the others). This is gonna be fantastic.

KEYS TO THE GAME

Focus on Peterson. This was one of my keys when these teams matched up in November, and it came to fruition: Peterson had just 51 yards on 17 carries and the Vikings scored only 13 points. The Giants held him to 1.9 yards per carry on Monday night and held Minnesota to three points. It's a great match-up for the Bears--they have the second-best run defense in the league. Stop Peterson, grab the lead, force the game into Joe Webb's hands, sack him 14 times, intercept him 17 times. That's the plan.

Double team Sidney Rice. Hell, triple team him if you want. The last two weeks, only Rice has surpassed the 30-yard mark in receiving for the Vikings. They got down big early to the Giants and had to throw all day, yet no receiver other than Rice did anything at all. Stop Rice and you pretty much stop the Vikings' air attack.

Bears offensive line vs. Jared Allen. Allen has 9.5 sacks this season and got Cutler twice back in November. If the o-line can keep him from getting pressure, Cutler should have success against this secondary.

2003 Cubs pitching staff making news ... huh?

2010-12-16T09:00:00.001-06:00

Apparently Larry Rothschild going from the Cubs to the Yankees was only the beginning of the offseason connections between the two teams.

In case you missed it, the Yankees signed former Cub Mark Prior to a minor league contract on Tuesday. Prior pitched briefly in the Rangers minor league system last year. Now 30, he'll have a chance to battle for a rotation spot in New York. Only Sabathia, Phil Hughes and A.J. Burnett are locked into the rotation for now, though Andy Pettitte may return as well.

In other news, Kerry Wood, who ended the 2010 season as a Yankee, remains a free agent and could potentially be on the Cubs' radar. He is reportedly seeking a two-year, $12 million deal.

And lastly, the Yankees are rumored to be interested in Carlos Zambrano now that they've missed out on Cliff Lee. It seems like the stove has been pretty cold when it comes to guys like Fukudome and Zambrano--this is the first I've heard about any legitimate interest in either of them.

**UPDATE**It's more than just casual interest between the Cubs and Kerry Wood: they're close to a deal.

Pat Hughes eulogizes Ron Santo

2010-12-15T09:00:00.000-06:00

This is 18 minutes long, but definitely consider watching it if you have some extra time.

Patriots weather Bears weather, bear down on down Bears

2010-12-14T09:00:00.001-06:00

Week 14: Patriots 36, Bears 7

*Title courtesy of Chris Kawakita

Man, losing sucks. I almost forgot how much it sucks. After all, the Bears hadn't lost since October. That is, until they got buried under the avalanche that is the New England Patriots. Good Lord.

What I learned most from that game is that the Patriots have a REALLY good chance of winning the Super Bowl. The last two weeks they played a 9-2 team and a 9-3 team, respectively, and won both by a combined score of 81-10. That sh-t ain't right. You're supposed to have to rely on the running game, field position and clock management to win when there's a f--king blizzard taking place, but the Patriots didn't care. You get the feeling they could play a game at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean and put up 35 points.

As far as the Bears are concerned, I'm choosing to forget that game ever happened. Or at least try. That game was like a colonoscopy: fate demanded that it take place, there's nothing we could do about it. But it's over now, and let's not think about it any more. "A colonoscopy? No, I've never had a colonoscopy. I definitely have no idea what that feels like."

Yes, let's focus on the BIG picture, because if that game was the little picture, it was kind of like looking at a picture of a nice old lady getting eaten by a crocodile. But the BIG picture is beautiful, because while the Bears' offense was snowed out on Sunday, the playoff picture cleared up considerably with Green Bay's surprising loss to Detroit. All of a sudden, it's possible the Bears could clinch the NFC North next week. If the Packers lose to these same Patriots on Sunday night and the Bears beat the Vikings Monday night, the Bears will have clinched the division by virtue of the tiebreaker, which is one's record within the division. Even if the Packers win out, the Bears can win the division simply by winning their next two, against Minnesota and the very vulnerable Jets.

It was such a bad day on the field for the Bears, and yet in a way it was a very good day for them overall, as they are now in complete control of the divisional race. Put it this way: for the Packers to win the division, they need to win out and have the Bears lose two of their final three games. Otherwise, we'll be tuning in to the NFL playoffs to watch the NFC North Champion Chicago Bears.

On top of that, Aaron Rodgers suffered his second concussion of the season in that loss to the Lions. Such a serious injury weakens the Packers at the very least; it may end their season.

And now it's time for today's depressing STAT OF THE DAY. Cutler had a chance on Sunday to make it three straight games without an interception, something he's never done in his career. That's right: he's never had a three-game stretch with no picks. And alas, that's still the case. Two picks for Cutler, giving him 10 on the season. That's not terrible, though--his career-low is 14. And that was today's less-than-thrilling STAT OF THE DAY.

'Til next week, when the Bears can potentially redeem themselves for an absolutely atrocious performance against the Patriots. The 33-0 halftime deficit was the worst in franchise history, but they may be able to make that game history if things fall their way in Week 15. Here's hoping that come next Monday night, Brett Favre is as banged up as the Metrodome (but that he still plays, because frankly the Vikings are worse off with Favre than Tarvaris Jackson). Speaking of the Metrodome, news right now is that the game might be played there, but might be played outdoors and nearby University of Minnesota if the dome isn't ready.

Hendry inks rare one-year deal to fill first base void

2010-12-13T09:00:00.000-06:00

When I heard the Cubs had signed Carlos Pena to a one-year deal to play first base, I joked that the deal was probably still backloaded, and that Pena would get $1 million through August and the other $9 million in September. Turns out Hendry did find a way to backload a one-year deal--Pena will get $5 million next year and $5 million in January of 2012. It goes to show you just how little wiggle room Hendry has with the payroll right now.

While I don't think Pena had any business getting $10 million--he essentially didn't take a pay cut at all despite a near-career low .325 OBP--I love that it's just a one year deal and think that overall Pena will be a good addition to the team. My favorite part of his skill set? His defense. He won the Gold Glove in 2008, and after we've been spoiled by Derrek Lee for the last seven years, it will be very nice to see a minimal downgrade at perhaps the most important position on the field.

Word around the Internets is that Pena is a good clubhouse presence as well, which is always a positive. And while the Cubs have sometimes blown out of proportion their need for left-handed hitters, it will be nice to have a power bat from the left side in the lineup.

Let's get to the down side. This is the best way I can think to say it: Pena hit for a lower average than Cesar Izturis last year. But not just lower ... 34 points lower. I suppose I could have described Pena's struggles by pointing out that he had the lowest batting average among qualified hitters in the AL, but I think the whole Izturis thing provides a little better perspective.

But the thing is, we're budding sabermatricians here, and we don't really care about average, right? Pena's OBP was .325, which isn't good but is actually sort of impressive given his abysmal average. Get this: In each of his four years in Tampa Bay, Pena drew more walks than either Derrek Lee or Aramis Ramirez have ever drawn with the Cubs. So it's not that Pena is insanely impatient; he just really struggled to get hits last year.

But he has two big positives working for him heading into 2011:

1) He battled plantar fascitis in his foot last year, something he says is completely healed now.

2) His BABIP (batting average on balls in play), which is generally viewed as a stat that should even out over time, was just .222 last season, easily the lowest of his career. It was .250 in 2009, and at least .284 every other year of his career. Translation: Pena had really bad luck last year.

I don't want it to seem like I'm suggesting Pena is some phenomenal hitter who simply crossed a black cat's path last year. Pena will have a low average in 2011, but he's very likely to have a decent OBP. He's also very likely to put up power numbers; even last year he hit 28 home runs and had 84 RBI, and he had at least 31 home runs and 100 RBI in each of the three seasons prior.

Get ready to be frustrated at times, however: Pena also struck out more times last year than any Cub.

The bottom line: Pena will likely go through some ugly slumps in which he strikes out a lot and struggles to get hits. He will also go on some tears, banging home runs out of Wrigley and drawing walks with his strong sense of the strike zone. And he'll play solid defense at first base. Heading into a season in which the Cubs appear to have little chance of competing for a playoff spot, $10 million seems like an awful lot to spend on a one-year rental. But I think we'll have mostly positive things to say about him when 2011 is through.

By the way, there are now four Carloses on the Cubs' 25-man roster, which has to be some sort of record.

Bears face stiffest test yet against 10-2 Pats

2010-12-10T09:00:00.000-06:00

Did you see that Monday night game? Holy sh-t. I guess the good news for the Bears is that the Patriots can't do that two games in a row, right? Right??

Here's more good news: The Patriots are coming off a short week. They're also coming off a game they had undoubtedly been looking forward to ever since Week 2 (when they lost to the Jets). And because of their huge win on Monday, this game now means more for the Bears than the Patriots.

So there's some good news. Here's the bad: The Patriots are really, really good. They've averaged 39.5 points over their last four games. Their defense had been struggling--they've allowed the 14th most points per game in the NFL--but then they suddenly stifled Sanchez and the Jets as if they had 15 guys on the field at all times. Brady leads the NFL in passer rating AND they have an above average running game.

In short, this one won't be easy. On the bright side, the Bears were actually bigger underdogs against the Eagles two weeks ago than they are against the Patriots. Few people thought they could stop Michael Vick and their cast of Pro Bowlers either, but they did. Here's how the Bears can win their sixth straight:

KEYS TO THE GAME

Keep the Patriots offense off the field. It's the best way to stop any prolific offense: keep them on the sideline. To do that, you need to eat up clock, and to do that, you need to run the ball. Forte's been better of late, and the Patriots allow 114 rushing yards per game (compare that to the Bears, who allow just 84). In New England's two losses, they allowed an average of 183 rushing yards.

Win the turnover battle. Obvious, I know, but this has been a huge key to New England's success: their +14 turnover ratio is second only to the Eagles. Brady has thrown just four picks all year, two of them in their first loss of the season.

Tackle. The running backs, of course, but more so the receivers. The Patriots make a living off of yards after catch (YAC), which is something the Bears have been doing in recent games as well. Without Moss as a deep threat, Brady throws a lot of short passes to guys like Wes Welker and Deion Branch--get them to the ground quickly and you can contain this offense.

Get excited, folks. This could be one hell of a statement game for the Bears.

NFL Visions, Part 2

2010-12-09T09:00:00.001-06:00

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

Dallas Cowboys, 4-8

Things aren't blurry for this season--the Cowboys are toast. But things are blurry in general. Will Jason Garrett return? (Probably.) Is Romo really the answer at QB? Can the Cowboys win with Jerry Jones running the show? Romo's injury makes for a convenient excuse for this year, but this team has been struggling to find its way for a decade now.

Indianapolis Colts, 6-6

It's been a long time since you could say the Colts' fortunes were blurry. But injuries to receivers and (of course) Bob Sanders have exposed a lack of depth, and with two more interceptions Manning will have his highest total since 2002. His QB rating is just 16th in the NFL. Not this Sunday but next, the Colts will have a revenge game against Jacksonville, and it appears to be a must-win game if the Colts want to make the playoffs for the ninth straight year.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 7-5

Back-to-back losses have essentially knocked them out of the divisional race, but they remain just one game back in the Wild Card chase. With games against the Redskins, Lions and Seahawks on the horizon, they're not out of it yet.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

Cincinnati Bengals, 2-10

Seriously, what is going on in Cincinnati? Turns out the T Ocho show is awful, but I'm not talking about what airs on Versus. The Bengals have a lame duck coach, a lame quarterback, and they lost on Sunday when they were drawn offsides even though THAT'S ALL THE SAINTS WERE TRYING TO DO. This is perhaps the one thing I could execute successfully if I played in the NFL: line up on the defensive line knowing the opposing quarterback is just going to

shout some sh-t out, and just don't move. It's entirely possible that the offensive lineman would look at me with angry eyes and say something mean-spirited and I would either sh-t my pants, which would certainly get me removed from the remainder of the game but I would still have executed my duty on that particular play; or I might turn around and run away from said lineman, but that too would not result in an offsides penalty. Yeah, I could totally execute that play.

Washington Redskins, 5-7

They're not actually THAT bad, but they have no running game. And they don't have any receivers who can catch. And Donovan McNabb is pretty terrible--the Redskins are definitely going to regret that five-year deal in about, oh, a year-and-a-half. Oh, and their defense isn't very good. It really pisses me off that the Bears lost to this team.

Detroit Lions, 2-10

Suh is awesome, and yeah, Stafford's been injured most of the year. But competitive or not, two wins is still two wins. Which is how many they had last season. Until they finish a few games with more points than the other team, they suck.

Denver Broncos, 3-9

Only Dallas and Arizona give up more points than they do. They're 1-5 on the road and have the fourth-worst point differential in the NFL. Things are so bad that Josh McDaniels done got himself fired on Monday, meaning this organization is clearly lost.

NFL Visions, Part 1

2010-12-08T09:00:00.000-06:00

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP

Chicago Bears, 9-3

Boy, there isn't much that a five-game winning streak won't cure, is there? From 4-3 and on the precipice of a lost season to 9-3 and on the precipice of the NFC's #1 seed. The schedule is daunting from here on out, but things are definitely looking up in the Windy City.

New Orleans Saints, 9-3

Boy, there isn't much that a five-game winning ... sorry, I just used that one. But it's true of the Saints as well, whom many wrote off after a middling start. They've scored 30+ points in four straight and are just a game back of the Falcons for the best record in the NFC. Set your DVR: Monday Night Football, December 27, Saints at Falcons.

Jacksonville Jaguars, 7-5

Um, what the f--k? The Jaguars, who at one point fell to 3-4 after losing 30-3 to Tennessee and 42-20 to the Chiefs in back-to-back weeks, are now in first in the AFC South. And yes, the Colts are still in the AFC South. DOES NOT COMPUTE ... DOES NOT COMPUTE ... DOES NOT ... Oops, sorry, bit of a system malfunction there. If Jacksonville wins the Colts' division, there will have to be a lockout next year because the NFL simply won't make sense any more. After all, Jacksonville's in first despite having a worse point differential (-43) than teams like the Browns and Lions.

St. Louis Rams, 6-6

Let us not forget that for all the Lions' horrendous, laughable play over the last couple years, it was actually the Rams who had the first pick in the draft this year after winning just one game last year. One. Just one little teeny, lonesome game. But lo, the Lord did sayeth that their draft pick shall be Sam Bradford, and the Lord did command of him: "Go forth, Sam. Be strong and

courageous, and have a phenomenal touchdown-to-interception ratio. Do not fear, for I am in your heart, and you shall lead your men to a .500 record despite being a rookie. Take hold of the righteous path to which you were called."

THINGS ARE LOOKING DOWN

Miami Dolphins, 6-6

Their loss to Cleveland on Sunday makes them a pathetic 1-5 at home and puts them on the verge of elimination. 6-6 ain't that bad, but it ain't gonna work when you're in the AFC East with the 10-2 Pats and the 9-3 Jets. No wonder Bill Parcells left back in October.

NFC West

Oh my god, does this seriously have to be a division? Are we sure we absolutely have to allow someone from this division into the playoffs? I say we check the rules one more time. ... [flips through NFL rulebook] ... Dammit. All four teams have a negative point differential, and at the moment the Seahawks and Rams are tied for the lead at 6-6. That's really stupid.

San Diego Chargers, 6-6

So you thought you could just lay low early on and then rape the December schedule as usual, huh? Simon says no! Or rather, the Raiders say no. Before this season, the Chargers had won 18 straight December games, tying an NFL record, and had won 13 straight against the Raiders. But a 28-13 loss on Sunday puts San Diego two games back of the Chiefs (the two play this Sunday at 3:15) and two games back in the Wild Card. That means it's entirely possible--likely, even--that the team with the best defense and the second-best offense in the NFL will miss the playoffs.

The Mirage Sports Book owes me $42

2010-12-07T09:00:00.000-06:00

Week 13: Bears 24, Lions 20

Short-term betting victories are fun, but a long-term victory involving your favorite team is about as good as it gets. By earning their ninth win on Sunday, the Bears went "over" the total set for them prior to the season, and that means the betting slip I've had in my wallet since August will soon begin a trek to Las Vegas via the US Postal Service, and I'll find myself $42 richer shortly thereafter (I'm only winning $22, but I'll get my original $20 back as well). For the record, Bob Geraty took the same bet. The only more enjoyable long-term bet I can think of (should it work out) is the one my sister Mandy made--on the Bears to win the Super Bowl.

While they didn't quite look like eventual Super Bowl champions against Detroit on Sunday, the Bears battled and managed to escape Motown with one mo' win (sorry). The four-point victory was a perfect illustration of why Detroit is 2-10 and the Bears are 9-3: the Bears consistently do just enough to win (that's their fifth in a row) while the Lions find ways to end up on the wrong side of the final score (that's their fifth straight loss). In the case of Sunday's game, the key plays included an unexpected throw to Brandon Manumaleuna (he exists!) and a huge personal foul against Ndamukong Suh that helped to set it up.

For the Bears, this was a "rear-view mirror" game--playing a bad team starting their third string quarterback, they just needed to get in there, get the job done, add a W and move on to the next game. Beating the Lions is like asking a girl out and having her say "yes"; the Patriots game this week is the first date. Beating the Lions is the job application; this week's game is the job interview. It was a good win and an important one, but I'm really looking forward to the Week 14 duel at Soldier Field.

My two main thoughts on this game:

1) It was disheartening how the Lions practically dominated the Bears in the trenches. The Lions had four sacks to the Bears' two; the Lions gained more yards per carry; and they just generally spent more time in the Bears' backfield than vice versa. You'd hope your front lines would look a little better against one of the NFL's worst teams.

2) I LOVE the new offensive style Mike Martz whipped up. All the quick passes and hot routes reminded me of the Greatest Show on Turf back when he was with the Rams. I can't believe I'm saying that, but it's true. Earl Bennett looked like a legitimate play-making receiver for the second straight game, and those quick slants reminded me of Isaac Bruce or Torry Holt. Seven different guys caught passes in the game, and there were so many plays where Cutler got the ball to a receiver before the Lions even knew what hit 'em. The Bears are no '99 Rams--they're just 29th in the NFL in total yards per game--but they've got some weapons and Martz seems to be exploiting them well.

While the Packers get to feast on these same Lions next week, the Bears have a huge game against what is possibly the NFL's best team. Should be fun.

Though the highlight below is technically a Lions highlight, it is surely more embarrassing for Drew Stanton than for the Bears. This is known as the "Dougie"--popularized by John Wall, murdered by Drew Stanton. Time of death: about 12:30 pm CST, 12/05/2010.

To Ron Santo, Hall of Famer in our hearts: We'll miss you

2010-12-06T09:00:00.001-06:00

I can't help it: the first thing I think about when I think of Ron Santo is how he deserved to be in the Hall of Fame but never got that call. Every Cubs fan knows how much it meant to him, and baseball fans all over the country recognize how deserving he was. (I made my case last year.)

But that's just the first thing that comes to mind. When I heard that Santo had died last Friday, a number of other thoughts flooded my mind. Like his sense of humor. Was there a broadcast in his 21-year radio career in which he did not have a good, hearty laugh about something? Whether it was with regard to a play on the field, a story from his storied past, or just Pat Hughes's choice of sweater for the day, Santo was always ready to be amused and able to make his listeners laugh.

His upbeat attitude was more notable when you consider that he suffered from diabetes, had both legs amputated below the knee, and battled various health issues virtually his entire life. When he was diagnosed with diabetes at the age of 18, he was given a life expectancy of 25 years. He died at the age of 70.

But he rarely talked about his struggle. When he did, it was usually to make a joke at his own expense, or during one of the many fundraisers he organized and attended to raise money for diabetes research.

I also thought about how humble Santo was. While Santo clearly wanted to be elected to the Hall of Fame, he let others make his case for him. Unlike so many other color commentators who are former players, he wasn't constantly trying to find a way to squeeze in some personal success story or some example of his greatness, even though he had countless stories of success and embodied greatness on the baseball diamond. Those who knew him say that he was a very grounded, normal person, far from the typical ex-professional athlete. Ron Santo was different. He was much more concerned with being known as a good person than a good athlete.

I thought about the beauty of listening to Pat and Ron on the radio during a long drive, or out in the backyard. An objective analysis of Ron's announcing skills wouldn't be pretty (often fails to utilize cough button properly; frequently inquires as to what just happened in the game; tends to talk over the action; struggles with players' names), but a subjective analysis? Awesome. Heartfelt. Hilarious. Passionate. Ron was a necessary cog in the Cubs machine. I can't imagine tuning in to WGN next season and hearing Pat alongside somebody else. He wasn't a "good" announcer in the truest sense, but he was a great announcer nevertheless.

Perhaps more than anyone else in history, Ron Santo embodied the Cubs. He was a member of some of the most beloved Cubs teams of all time. He was one of the organization's most successful players of all time (Bleed Cubbie Blue has him 7th on the all-time list, behind only Banks, Cap Anson, Sosa, Sandberg, Williams and Hartnett). His jersey number flies from the left field foul pole. And he had been a fixture in the radio booth since 1990.

His name is on the short list one would use to describe the Cubs. As in, what do the Cubs mean to me? In no particular order: Bleachers, Harry Caray, Santo, Sandberg, ivy on the wall, Wrigley Field, Cubs-Cardinals rivalry, loyalty ... He's in there. Santo's a part of that answer for every Cubs fan. He was the Cubs. And even now that he's gone, he still is.

My overriding thought when it comes to Ron Santo is this: he was one of a kind. He put up Hall of Fame-caliber stats despite battling diabetes. He was one of the most colorful color commentators out there. He was happy, kind and humble whereas many people in his position wouldn't have been. He loved life, and fittingly brought joy to so many others' lives throughout his playing and broadcasting career. He was a Cubs legend and a baseball legend, and he was a legend in life. We will miss you, Ron.

Here is a tribute video courtesy of the Tribune:

While Santo would never get down for long, a bad play or a tough loss would definitely frustrate him. But that's what made his ebullience when the Cubs did well so much more real. There was nothing better than hearing the pure joy in his voice when something unexpected or exciting would happen on the field. Here is just one of those many moments:

Bears will try to maintain momentum against lowly Lions

2010-12-03T09:00:00.002-06:00

We all remember the Bears' first matchup with the Lions--the ol' "did not possess the ball through the process of the catch" or whatever. All I know is I narrowly avoided a heart attack and the Bears narrowly avoided a loss that could have potentially changed the entire course of their season.

The Lions may get running back Jahvid Best back for Sunday's game, but backup quarterback Shaun Hill is out after breaking a finger on his throwing hand. Enter third-stringer Drew Stanton. He was forced into action against the Giants in Week 6 and played decently: 19-for-34 for 222 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT, and he ran three times for 30 yards. Nevertheless, the Bears catch yet another break; Hill had thrown for over 300 yards three times this season and the Lions have been running a relatively efficient offense. But just as the Bears caught a Dolphins team with Tyler Thigpen behind center and an Eagles team without cornerback Asante Samuel, they'll now face a banged up Lions team with a chance to go to 4-0 against the NFC North.

The Bears have won five straight against the Lions since losing in October of 2007.

KEYS TO THE GAME

Don't get trapped. Trap games do exist. We saw it with the Steelers just last week--they had to play the lowly Bills before a huge divisional showdown against the Ravens. Though they did pull out the win, they barely pulled it out. The Bears had a huge victory against the Eagles last week, have everyone in the country telling them they're "for real," and know they have a big game against the Patriots next week. But there's no room for error here--you have to win divisional games and you have to beat a two-win team if you want to stave off the Packers and win the NFC North.

Stop Suh. I don't think there's anyone on the Bears offensive line who can block Ndamukong Suh. Hell, I don't know if there's an offensive lineman in the NFL who can block Suh. But the extent to which they can slow him down and keep him out of the backfield might determine how successful the Bears offense is on Sunday.

Turnovers. The Lions were able to keep it close in Week 1 for four reasons: Cutler interception, Cutler fumble, Olsen fumble, Forte fumble. There's no doubt the Bears have more talent than the Lions, and if they can win the turnover battle (or at least not lose it), they should win the scoreboard battle as well.

Humor Vault Headlines

2010-12-02T09:00:00.002-06:00

TCU vaults into second in BCS. In related story, NCAA announces championship game will now be #1 vs. #3

Jimmie Johnson, like, wins a race or something

Department of Bad Puns releases statement: "Michael Vick really taking a bite out of the competition, not dogging it out there."

Before Turkey Day game, Lions owner says he "honestly can't think of anything" he's thankful for

Cardinal sin: Theriot now a redbird

2010-12-01T09:00:00.000-06:00

Ryan Theriot is back in the NL Central. But instead of playing for the Cubs, he'll be playing for their biggest rival.

On Tuesday, the Cardinals acquired Theriot from the Dodgers in exchange for righthander Blake Hawksworth. Ken Rosenthal says the Cardinals view him as a shortstop, which is a rare act of stupidity on their part. The only position from which Theriot can easily throw to first is ... well, first; he should be a second baseman. Brendan Ryan is the Cards' shortstop but they might consider moving him to make room for Theriot.

I always hate to see a Cub head to St. Louis if for no other reason than they might pull a Lou Brock and suddenly be awesome. I liked Theriot as a person and would like to see him do well, but I pretty much have to root against him now that he wears red. I also have to root against him because he said he's "finally on the right side of the Cubs-Cardinals rivalry." A--hole.

It will be interesting to see if the Cardinals, who preach the importance of getting on base, can get Theriot to buy in; he had a .321 OBP last season.

Ladies and gentlemen, your 8-3 Chicago Bears

2010-11-30T09:00:00.000-06:00

Now THAT was fun. Cutler to Hester down the sideline? Delicious. Greg Olsen stealing the ball away from the defender in the end zone? Tasty. Peppers chasing down Vick from behind and getting enough of him to bring him down? Delectable.

It was the Thanksgiving dinner of football games. I'll have seconds of EVERYTHING. All of it. That game filled up my belly, just like the Bears filled up the stat sheet.

It was a game that made you ... well, it made you believe. It made you imagine and have hope and wonder what could be ... If the Bears can win in all three phases of the game against the Eagles, who can't they beat? The Bears are tied for the second-best record in the NFC, trailing only the Falcons who are 9-2. They pulled ahead of the Packers in the NFC North and gained a huge tiebreaker over the Eagles. 8-3 ... 8-3 ... 8-3 ... It's fun to say.

The Bears actually allowed their biggest point total of the season, but 13 of them were junk points at the end of the game and it didn't matter because the Bears also put up their biggest point total of the season on offense. It was FUN.

Here's what amazed me most: the Bears' receivers did their best impression of the Eagles' receivers, looking every bit as fast and athletic. DeSean Jackson? Meet Devin Hester. Jeremy Maclin? Meet Earl Bennett. The Eagles are widely regarded as the fastest team in the NFL, but the Bears one-upped 'em on Sunday. Too much tryptophan for the Eagles I guess.

The speed was evident on the defensive side too. While Vick rushed for a decent 44 yards, his longest run was 11 and he was sacked four times. Peppers was flying around, several others picked up partial or full sacks, and the coverage must have been phenomenal because Vick stood back there several different times and just refused to throw the ball down field. The Bears are FAST.

But Cutler was able to slow the game down, connecting for four touchdowns and refraining from any off-the-back-foot, throw-it-into-triple-coverage passes. Which brings us to today's STAT OF THE DAY! Cutler's QB rating of 146.2 was the highest of his career. Not just his career as a Bear, but his career period. Cutler OWNED the Eagles. Optimistic Bears fans have said all season that with their great defense, this team could be a force if Cutler and the offense could show signs of improvement. Done. And that was today's STAT OF THE DAY!

Martz called more runs than passes AGAIN, and Forte absolutely steamrolled the Eagles with 117 yards and 8.4 yards per carry. The offensive line spent a few plays in Week 4 Mode (when they allowed 10 sacks to the Giants) but ultimately held their own overall and opened up holes left and right in the running game. Maybe, just maybe, the offense needed time to gel under a new offensive coordinator, and maybe, just maybe, we're seeing it start to happen. Could this team be GOOD? I mean actually GOOD?

Ah, what the heck, it was all so much fun, let's just watch a recap:

Top teams prove themselves in final week of regular season

2010-11-29T09:00:00.000-06:00

It pains me to say it, but Oregon and Auburn deserve the chance to play in the BCS Championship Game. While I want nothing more than to see TCU get their shot (I even wrote a now-useless blog post about that very topic while Auburn was down 24-0 to Alabama), Auburn and Oregon made rather convincing cases for themselves on Friday. (Side note: Obviously Boise State removed themselves from the conversation with their overtime defeat to Nevada.)

First, Auburn turned Black Friday into a very dark day for Alabama by completing a stunning comeback on the road against a bitter rival who was ranked 11th in the nation. Later, Oregon manhandled #21 Arizona 48-29. It's hard to deny that those two teams have earned the right to play on January 10. (CAVEAT ALERT: If Alabama loses the SEC Championship game against South Carolina or Oregon loses to Oregon State, I'm back aboard the TCU train. Hell, I'll be the conductor of that train.)

It sucks for TCU. After all, they're 35-2 over the last three seasons and, more importantly, they've handled every team on their schedule this season. They beat Oregon State 30-21, Baylor 45-10 and Air Force 38-7, all of whom have been ranked this season. But their signature win came three weeks ago on the road against then-#5 Utah--they absolutely destroyed the Utes 47-7. A win against New Mexico on Saturday put them at 12-0 to finish the season, and they deserve a chance to take the field in Phoenix with the possibility of being crowned national champs.

Problem is, Auburn and Oregon deserve it more. It wasn't always easy for Auburn--Heisman favorite Cam Newton has dealt with rumors of scandal and the Tigers have trailed by 10 or more points four different times this season. And yet, they remain undefeated.

It has been easy for Oregon, however. They've won by 20 or more points eight different times this year and were given a scare really just once when they beat California 15-13. It's clear that the Ducks deserve top billing heading into the bowl season.

Again, each of these teams have a potentially tough game remaining on the schedule, so TCU can maintain hope for at least a few more days. But while it looked for all the world like Alabama would smash the title hopes of their intrastate rivals, it turns out they only put a scare into them as Auburn did to the Tide last year.

The fact is, college football needs a playoff. (Oh, by the way, PLEASE read this phenomenal Sports Illustrated story about the BCS.) But we don't have one yet, and while I desperately want to see TCU get their shot, it's hard to argue against a team that survived the SEC unscathed or a team that continues to overwhelm opponents as if they accidentally signed up for a Pee Wee league. TCU and Boise came very, very close this season, and frankly, I'm holding out hope that Auburn or Oregon will slip up this weekend. But if they don't, it's hard to argue that the Horned Frogs should leapfrog their way into the championship game. If they BCS gods don't smile down upon them next week, here's hoping for next year.

Bears will try to ground Vick and the Eagles

2010-11-26T09:00:00.001-06:00

Frankly, this will be just the second quality team the Bears have faced all season. And the Eagles have plenty of quality. Michael Vick, LeSean McCoy, DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin on the offensive side; Asante Samuel (who may miss the game), Trent Cole, Quintin Mikell and others on the defensive side. They've won five of six overall and have taken over first in the NFC East.

This game could have HUGE implications for the Bears' playoff hopes. If they end up battling for a Wild Card spot with the Eagles, this game will go a long way toward determining which team has a better record and would obviously determine the head-to-head tiebreaker should they finish with the same record. Additionally, should the Bears and Packers split their two games and finish in a tie and with the same divisional record (both of which are very plausible), the next tie-breaker is record against common opponents; the Packers have already beaten the Eagles this season. So with a win on Sunday, the Bears could potentially grab sole possession of first (the Packers have to travel to Atlanta); a loss could knock them behind the Packers and right into the thick of the Wild Card race against teams like the Saints, Bucs and Giants.

The Bears and Eagles matched up on a Sunday night last year and the Eagles pulled out a 24-20 victory.

KEYS TO THE GAME

Urlacher vs. Vick. I doubt the Bears will choose to use Urlacher as a QB spy because I'm not sure any linebacker in the NFL can keep up with him anyway. But Urlacher will usually be the first line of defense AFTER the defensive line when Vick chooses to run, and it should be a fun battle to watch.

Cutler doing his best Vick impression. The Eagles love to blitz, and Cutler will need to continue to show his mobility when the pressure comes. Obviously getting rid of the ball quickly is another way to deal with an aggressive defense, but chances are Cutler will have to make a few plays with his feet.

Try to limit the big play. What scares me about this game is that the Bears are better against the run than the pass, and the Eagles are more than willing to abandon the run if it's not working. With big play threats Jackson and Maclin, along with the solid Jason Avant, the Eagles have had their way with several teams in the passing game. The Bears secondary must try to limit the big play and keep Jackson and Maclin from getting behind the defense.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-25T09:00:00.000-06:00

Things I'm thankful for this year:

The Bears are 7-3 and in first in the NFC North. On a side note, I'm two wins away from winning $20 on the bet I placed at the Mirage sports book while in Vegas.
The Yankees, Phillies, Cardinals and White Sox did not win the World Series.
This summer, I accomplished two golf goals: I broke 90 on 18 holes and broke 40 on 9 holes.
It's been a good fall for sports-hate: Favre's farewell has not been a fond one, what with several injuries, a sexting scandal, a 69.5 QB rating, 17 interceptions, a 3-7 record, and two losses to the Packers; the Cowboys have only one more win than coaches this year; the Heat are just 8-7; and Notre Dame is just 6-5 and now mired in scandal. Is it wrong to be thankful that I have so much to hate?
Sunday nights in the summer will be much better now that Jon Miller and Joe Morgan are out as the announcers of Sunday Night Baseball.
The 8-5 Bulls are in first in a weak division and look to have a solid squad. Also, Derrick Rose is third in the NBA in scoring thus far.
Illinois and Michigan are bowl eligible, both for the first time since 2007.

Rothschild to Yanks

2010-11-23T09:00:00.000-06:00

Last week the Yankees poached Cubs pitching coach Larry Rothschild, hiring him to replace Dave Eiland whom they opted not to re-sign. The Cubs say they will keep the search for his replacement in house, with candidates including minor league pitching coordinator Mark Riggins, Cubs bullpen coach Lester Strode, Triple-A pitching coach Mark Mason and Double-A pitching coach Dennis Lewallyn.

Rothschild had been with the Cubs since 2002. In his nine-year tenure, the Cubs led the majors in strikeouts and finished in the top five in the NL in ERA five times.

I've never had a real strong feeling about Rothschild either way, and it may as well be a time for change what with a new manager and bench coach coming in as well. I guess the first thing that comes to mind with regard to whoever replaces Rothschild would be: good luck with Big-Z.

Bears defense as good as Gould

2010-11-22T09:00:00.000-06:00

Week 11: Bears 16, Dolphins 0

Man, am I sick of Martz and his pass-happy play calling. He could have learned a thing or two from the Dolphins, the way they committed to the run game and just pounded it down the Bears' throats. If I've said it once, I've ...

Wait, what's that? That was the Bears who kept running the ball? The Dolphins' running backs only ran it seven times? Mike Martz called more runs than passes for the second straight game while the Dolphins were over reliant on the arm of their third-string quarterback? Wow. I thought I read somewhere that dolphins were smart. Apparently they have cool sonar abilities but also a tendency to develop ass backward game plans for football games. The "dolphin" Wikipedia page needs to be updated.

But game plan aside, the Bears defense was determined to make sure Miami's offense remained beached. They racked up six sacks and an interception and allowed just 39 yards on the ground. They also allowed just one third down conversion all game. Perhaps most impressively of all, the Dolphins never once made it into the red zone and only made it as far as the Bears' 35 yard line. It all added up to just the second shutout in the NFL this season (the Bucs added a third on Sunday).

Which brings us to today's STAT OF THE DAY! The Bears are allowing just 14.6 points per game, best in the NFL. That's right--by the most important measure, the Bears have the best defense in the league. And that was today's STAT OF THE DAY!

Julius Peppers finally got a chance to pad his stats, piling up three sacks lined up against an injured Jake Long. Having Urlacher back after he missed last season has clearly improved the D, and you have to give some credit to defensive coordinator Rod Marinellli who seems to have the defense clicking much more consistently than last year when Lovie ran the show.

While the offense managed just one touchdown, they had a different assignment on Thursday and accomplished it exceedingly well: keep the ball. The way the Bears defense was playing, it became clear early on that if the Bears could simply maintain possession, the Dolphins wouldn't have enough time for their banged up offense to catch up. By going 10-for-18 on third downs, Cutler and the Bears were able to nearly double up the Dolphins--they had the ball for 37 minutes.

The Bears were able to build an early lead on the strength of two Robbie Gould field goals, and he added another in the third quarter. Forte's touchdown scamper--which was nice to see on a third down from inside the five yard line--essentially put the game away late in the third. Cutler didn't do a whole lot, but he didn't have to; he was successful on third downs and helped the Bears control the ball. As usual, he made one bad mistake when he threw off his back foot right to a Dolphins defender. I don't know what it is with Cutler, but he really loves to throw off his back foot. It's like he has a constant inner ear infection that throws his equilibrium off and makes him lean backwards at all times. But oh well. One mistake in 60 minutes of action on three days' rest isn't too shabby.

So with back-to-back wins as an underdog, the Bears have recouped the two losses they had as favorites against Seattle and Washington. They're a solid 7-3 and remain tied with the Packers for the division lead. With only six games left on the schedule, things are becoming at least a tad bit more clear. Wins against the Vikings and Lions would get the Bears to nine wins, and a victory in Week 17 against the Packers would get them to 10. The Packers also have the Vikings and Lions on their remaining schedule, along with the 49ers. On the bright side, they have to play the Falcons, Patriots and Giants as well.

It should be a fun finish to the season, and that Week 17 game could loom incredibly large. For now, the Bears get some extra rest and then host the red-hot Eagles.

Hey Davone Bess, I think Danieal Manning would like to say hello:

Humor Vault Headlines

2010-11-19T09:00:00.002-06:00

In ill-conceived Rookie of the Year sequel, Henry Rowengartner struggles mightily, gets cut from team, falls into downward spiral of drugs and alcohol

Chad Ochocinco actually just a really normal guy, say teammates while Chad Ochocinco is within earshot

Redskins give Rex Grossman 10-year, $150 million deal

Are you ready for some football?! No, not really. It's only Thursday.

2010-11-18T08:45:00.000-06:00

Most teams would be completely screwed if they had to start their third string quarterback. The Dolphins, however, have a couple advantages over most teams:

1) Their third stringer is Tyler Thigpen. In 2008 with a bad Chiefs team, he threw for 2,600 yards and 18 TDs. He also has the ability to take off and run with the ball.

2) The Dolphins are a run-first team anyways. With both Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams, plus a tendency to utilize the Wildcat, the Dolphins don't rely on their QB nearly as much as most teams.

In fact, the last time the two teams matched up, in 2006, Brown ran for 157 yards as the Dolphins handed a 7-0 Bears team its first loss.

There's no doubt the Bears have caught a huge break by drawing Thigpen instead of Henne or Pennington, but the game is no gimme. Another odd advantage the Bears have is that they've managed a 3-1 record on the road this season while Miami is just 1-3 at home.

KEYS TO THE GAME

1st quarter sloppiness? Many of these Thursday night games have featured sloppy first halves. After all, teams are used to having six days to prepare for a game, but the Bears and Dolphins had just three. If the Bears can avoid playing ugly football, it could give them a leg up.

Force them to pass. Again, Tyler Thigpen is not necessarily awful, but he's still a third-stringer for a reason. And since the Bears have the second-best run defense in the league, they need to focus on slowing down Brown and Williams, forcing Miami to put the ball in Thigpen's hands.

Jake Long vs. Julius Peppers. Offensive tackle Jake Long is awesome. In fact, he went first overall in the 2008 draft. But he has a labral tear, and some are saying he's risking serious long-term damage if he plays through it tonight. Chances are he will in fact play, but hopefully Peppers can exploit his injury and have a good game.

Not very Favre-fetched to think that was Brett's last meaningful game

2010-11-16T09:00:00.001-06:00

Week 10: Bears 27, Vikings 13

Let us rejoice over the fact that Brett Favre's season--and essentially his career--came to an end on Sunday. With the Bears handing the Vikings their sixth loss, they essentially put the inscription on Minnesota's tombstone, and probably put the final nail in the coffin when it comes to Brett Favre's career as well. At 3-6 and basically out of the playoff race, there's actually very little reason for him to continue playing. I realize it's tough to bench a $16 million future Hall of Famer, but the Vikings would be better off seeing whether they have a future with Tarvaris Jackson. As he has done several times this year, Favre contributed significantly to his team's loss, throwing three picks and losing a fumble. He had just 170 yards on the day.

Minnesota found themselves in a position nearly identical to the one they were in last week--down 14 with about four minutes to go. But whereas the Arizona Cardinals allowed Favre and Peterson to snag an overtime victory, the Bears defense stayed strong and secured the win.

It was the best the Bears have looked all year. They played well against the Cowboys in

Week 2, but then we learned that the Cowboys are a bunch of turds. The Bears outgained the Vikings, forced more turnovers, won the time of possession battle and kept the Vikings from scoring a touchdown on any of their three chances in the red zone.

There were a couple phases where the Bears struggled--they had way too many penalties (11 for 116 yards), and Cutler made one inexcusable decision to throw into traffic in the end zone when throwing it away would have resulted in three points.

But I wanted to get the bad stuff out of the way early--there are a lot of positives to get to.

Cutler looked like an entirely different quarterback. He was consistently able to avoid the rush, moving around in the backfield and buying himself time. He was as mobile as an iPhone. (Sorry, that was bad.) He completed passes to nine different guys and threw three touchdowns. When I was in Denver this week, the rental car shuttle driver was pining for the days when the Broncos had Cutler. I told him that Cutler has not exactly exceeded expectations in Chicago, but he was adamant that Cutler went to a Pro Bowl for a reason and that with a good offensive line, Bears fans would absolutely love him. I definitely loved him on Sunday.

But it wasn't all Cutler. Martz actually called more running plays than passing plays, and the Bears had 130 yards on the ground. The offensive balance was a nice thing to see.

**We interrupt this game recap to bring you the STAT OF THE DAY! Third downs often tell the story in an NFL game, and that was the case on Sunday. While the Bears have struggled mightily in that area this season, they were a very successful 11-for-19 against Minnesota. On the other hand, the Bears defense held the Vikings to 1-for-9. And that was today's STAT OF THE DAY!

The Bears' special teams didn't miss out on the fun either. Rashied Davis and Devin Hester each had a nice kick return and Hester had a sweet punt return down the sideline as well. Hester added a touchdown reception in what turned out to be a big day for him with 185 all-purpose yards.

In pretty much any sport, it's always crucial to win within your division. After Sunday's win, the Bears have now beaten every NFC North team (and if you think about it, they beat themselves when they played the Redskins, so they've literally beaten every NFC North team). The win brought them into a tie with the Packers, though the Bears are technically in first by virtue of their head-to-head win over them.

There was more good news for the Bears on Sunday as well: both Chad Henne and Chad Pennington suffered injuries, meaning the Bears' opponent this Thursday night might be forced to start Tyler Thigpen who has played all of 18 NFL games in his life. The Dolphins are still no pushover, though. They beat the Titans on Sunday, they throw a lot of different things at you, including the Wildcat, and Thigpen actually had a decent season back in 2008 with the Chiefs.

In other action, God smiled upon us on Sunday by allowing Gus Johnson to go all Gus Johnson on the best play in the NFL this season. Please pay special attention to the famous Gus Johnson Laugh which comes at the :28 mark. The stupid NFL won't let YouTube show it, so here's the link.

Getting hitched without a hitch

2010-11-15T09:00:00.000-06:00

It was a phenomenal and memorable weekend, and not just because the Bears beat the Vikings and Brett Favre had four turnovers. On Saturday, Trevor Sierra and Becky Krause tied the knot in a beautiful ceremony on Illinois Wesleyan's campus. The happy couple appeared to be, well, very happy! The reception was a blast, a great night was had by all, and there was one hell of a best man speech. Also, I gave a speech. And Trevor fell off the stage, which was hilarious.

Congratulations to Becky and Trevor, and I wish them all the best! They probably won't see this for at least a week as they are currently in the beautiful confines of the 50th state (Hawaii).

Bears will try to put Vikings out of their misery

2010-11-12T09:00:00.000-06:00

Down 14 with under four minutes to play on Sunday, the Vikings kept their season alive with a stunning comeback capped by an overtime field goal. They're now 3-5, two games behind the second-place Bears. But with a win Sunday and a win next week against Green Bay, they could pull to within one game of first.

On the other hand, a Bears victory would give the Vikes their sixth loss and put them on the brink of elimination (for all intents and purposes). There's a good chance it would also cost Brad Childress his job, what with fans demanding his ouster last Sunday and several Vikings players denouncing him in the Sun-Times this week.

So the Bears could continue to tread water and give the Vikings a lifeline this Sunday, or they could pull into a tie for first and write the Vikings' obituary. Suffice to say, it's a big game.

KEYS TO THE GAME

What can Sidney Rice do? Rice, who had over 1,300 receiving yards and eight TDs last season, has not played this year due to a hip injury. Word is he may return in a limited role against the Bears. There's almost no way he can play the entire game, and one would think he'll be a bit rusty in his return.

Stop A.P. Adrian Peterson has been kept out of the end zone just twice this year, and the Vikings lost both times. The Bears just might be able to slow him down--they have the third-best run defense in the league. And I'm calling it: Peterson will fumble on Sunday; after fumbling at least four times in each of his first three seasons, he has yet to put it on the ground this season.

Cutler's accuracy. The Vikings have just 12 sacks and six interceptions on the season. While nearly every team gets at least a little pressure on Cutler, he should have some time to look down field and find the open man. If he can do that successfully most of the time, the Bears can put up some points--the Vikings have allowed at least 20 points in five straight games.

NFL Visions, Part 2

2010-11-11T09:00:00.000-06:00

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

Miami Dolphins, 4-4

Until their loss in Baltimore on Sunday, they were 4-0 on the road and 0-3 at home this season. If they could create any kind of home field advantage, they'd be in great shape right now. But so far, they've been the epitome of mediocrity: 13th in defense, 16th in offense. Their passing game has improved, but it's not a good sign that Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown have combined for three rushing touchdowns on the year.

San Diego Chargers, 4-5

All of a sudden, narrow victories over the Titans and Texans have them showing signs of life. Plus they've reached their bye week and get the lowly Broncos at home in Week 11. On the other hand, they're still a game under .500, trail both the Raiders and Chiefs in their division, and have just the 12th-best record in a strong AFC.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

Dallas Cowboys, 1-7

I don't even have to say anything at this point. And that's awesome.

...

But I can't help it. Seriously, how are they so bad? They've allowed at least 35 points in each of their last three games! Aaron Rodgers was 27-for-34 with three scores. David Garrard lit 'em up for four touchdowns, as did Eli Manning. They're terrible at everything. Just awful. Usually I'm pissed that Detroit's on TV every Thanksgiving, but this year it's Dallas I have no interest in watching. BAD.

San Francisco 49ers, 2-6

They've won as many games in England as they have in America.

Aging veterans who will potentially be in the Hall of Fame one day

-Brett Favre's impressive comeback on Sunday notwithstanding, he has the 27th-best QB rating in the NFL this season and he seems on the verge of death every week. It ain't over yet, but it seems like he may have retired one year too late (assuming he even retires after this season).

-Randy Moss is on his third team and has fewer receiving yards than Jahvid Best, who's a running back. For the Lions. Moss isn't even the best Moss in the NFL this season--Santana Moss has easily outperformed him.

-Donovan McNabb has looked old at times despite being brought to the Redskins to inject some life into a subpar team. Despite not having been pronounced dead or at least horrifically injured, he was replaced in favor of Rex Grossman at the end of a winnable game against Detroit. If getting benched for Rex Grossman doesn't say "You're not having a great season," I don't know what does.

Buffalo Bills, 0-8 and Carolina Panthers, 1-7

Um ... what to say ... At least you're not the Cowboys!

NFL Visions, Part 1

2010-11-10T09:00:00.000-06:00

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP

Oakland Raiders, 5-4

I thought they'd have a turnaround season heading into the year, then gave up on them quickly after losses to Arizona and San Fran left them at 2-4. But then they curbstomped the Broncos and Seahawks and pulled out an overtime victory over KC to pull to within a half-game of the Chiefs. Maybe Al Davis isn't crazy after all? ... No, Al Davis is crazy.

Cleveland Browns, 3-5

I'm not saying they're great, I'm just saying things are looking up. With their top two quarterbacks hurt, they turned to rookie Colt McCoy and he's led them to wins over the Saints and Patriots. And the games weren't even close. How crazy is that? Plus they get Jacksonville and Carolina after a match-up with the Jets.

Rookies

-Jahvid Best has slowed of late, but he's been solid for the Lions and had 88 all-purpose yar
ds against a good Jets defense on Sunday.

-Ndamukong Suh has 6.5 sacks and was the October Rookie of the Month.

-Dez Bryant has a lot of competition at the receiver position on the Cowboys, but he h
as over 400 yards and four touchdowns.

-Mike Williams has done even better for the Bucs with over 500 yards and five TDs.

-As noted above, Colt McCoy has defeated the Saints and Patriots in back-to-back games.

-Sam Bradford has had a relatively incredible first eight games, at least when you consi
der that he's a rookie QB. He's on pace for over 3,200 yards and 22 TDs, the latter being more t
han Schaub, Sanchez, Favre, Henne, McNabb, Cutler ... the list goes on. Matt Ryan's rookie season is considered one of the best ever, and he threw 16 TDs that year. Bradford has also shown incredible poise for a rookie--he has a 101.1 QB rating and zero interceptions on third down.

New York Giants, 6-2

All of a sudden they can't be stopped: they've reeled off five straight wins and are tied (with five other teams) for the best record in the NFL. They've scored at least 28 points in each of their last four games.

THINGS ARE LOOKING DOWN

Houston Texans, 4-4

If you want a quick score, you're better off playing the Texans than dating Kim Kardashian. (Burned!) But seriously, only three teams give up more points than they do, and their horrendous defense suddenly has them at .500 and tied for last in the AFC South. Okay, granted, they're only a game behind the Colts and Titans, but the Texans' porous secondary has the arrow pointing down in Houston.

Minnesota Vikings, 3-5

Favre finally broke into his bag of magic tricks on Sunday, leading his team back from 14 points down to beat the Cardinals. However, they still find themselves at 3-5, 2.5 back of the Pack. Their next two weeks should go a long way toward determining the final trajectory of their season--they visit the Bears and then have their second match-up against the Packers.

Seattle Seahawks, 4-4

Like the Texans, they're still at least treading water. But they've been outscored 74-10 the last two weeks and suffered their worst home loss since 2002 on Sunday. Suffice to say, things are not looking up. In fact, they kind of look like what you'd find in a diaper.

Week 9: A win is a win is a win

2010-11-09T09:00:00.001-06:00

Bears 22, Bills 19

The final result of a football game doesn't always tell the whole story. After all, the Bills went to overtime against the Ravens and Chiefs in their last two games. They fought hard, showed grit. Sports radio callers probably had a few positive things to say after each loss.

But ultimately, football--and every other sport, for that matter--is about winning. Grit also had the Bills up 19-14 in the fourth quarter Sunday, but through nine weeks it's gotten them to an 0-8 record. No wins. Zero. And that's all that matters in the end.

On the other hand, an appropriate simile for the Bears' performance on Sunday would not be, say, that it looked like a beautiful work by Picasso, or that it was exquisite like a delicious meal at a fine steakhouse. But the Bears did just enough to win. It wasn't exactly a game you want to keep on your TiVo and re-watch later in the week, but they put up a "W" and that's the bottom line. Knowing they won by three doesn't tell you the whole story, but it does tell you all you really need to know--that the story has a happy ending.

Cutler at least had moments in which he looked like a decent quarterback. He was able to evade the pass rush a number of times, and in fact was sacked just once. He also used his feet to gain yardage, running for three different first downs after the pocket collapsed. Overall, he was a modest 17-for-30 for 188 yards and two TDs, further decreasing the Bears' rather paltry average of 202 passing yards per game. But the most important number on his line is the zero below the letters "I-N-T." He did fumble once, but at least he never gave Buffalo the ball through the air.

Ryan Fitzpatrick threw two picks, including one to seal the game, but carved up the Bears secondary for much of the game. He's been doing that to a lot of teams ever since he replaced Trent Edwards in Week 3. Against the Bears, he finished one yard shy of 300 on 51 pass attempts.

It's great that we can be happy about the Bears' fifth win of the season, because otherwise we could complain about the fact that they rushed for just over half the yardage Buffalo gives up on average, and the fact that they couldn't get just one tiny yard late in the fourth when it mattered most. Nope, don't have to complain about those things.

The Packers pasted the Cowboys, not surprisingly, keeping them atop the NFC North by a half-game over the Bears. Though when it comes to that game, I think everyone in America lost--the Packers have found a way to make it excusable for their fans to yell "COOOON" (their running back is named Kuhn) at the top of their lungs throughout the game. I hope you're proud of yourselves, Packers fans.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, a 307-pound man missing an extra point. Narrated by Gus Johnson.

Bears will try to keep Bills from getting their first win

2010-11-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

I'm scared. So scared.

I'm scared because the Bears are playing the only remaining winless team in the NFL ... and I can't say I'm 100 percent sure they're going to win. The Bills took the Chiefs to overtime last week and the Ravens to OT the week before that. They put a scare into New England on the road and lost to Miami by five.

Meanwhile, the Bears offense has been in a downward spiral ever since Week 3. Plus, the Bills' most glaring weakness--their run defense--matches up with the Bears' biggest weakness--their ability to run the ball--so we'll have to wait and see if the Bears can take advantage in that area.

It goes without saying that this is a must-win. The Bears' schedule is backloaded worse than a Jim Hendry contract offer. This is one of the few "definitely could win it" games left on the schedule, and Lovie's squad absolutely has to leave Toronto at 5-3, or they can forget aboot the playoffs.

KEYS TO THE GAME

Commit to running the ball. Seriously. It's not even a question. The Bills give up 188 rushing yards per game. Next-worst in the league is Denver ... at 154. It's comical how bad the Bills' run defense is. If Martz puts the ball in Cutler's hands the entire game, he should be fired.

Don't let QB Fitzpatrick beat you with his feet. Despite not starting the first two games of the season, Fitzpatrick has the third-most rushing yards among quarterbacks. He doesn't quite require a QB spy, but the defense needs to keep containment on him whenever a play breaks down.

Maybe Cutler actually has a chance. Why do I say that? Because the Bills have just one interception all season. One. Every other team has at least four. Please, Jay, please keep this trend alive.

Lincecum leads San Fran to giant World Series victory

2010-11-03T09:00:00.000-05:00

A few random thoughts on the Giants' first World Series championship since 1954, when they were the New York Giants:

1) There's something pleasant about the fact that the Giants never won it all with Barry Bonds, but won it three years after he retired.

2) Part of me wishes the Rangers had won just so Cliff Lee would have been more inclined to re-sign with them. Anything to keep him away from the Yankees.

3) An important lesson learned: Having a manager on coke can get you to the World Series, but that's it.

4) Has there ever been a World Series victory that brought this many castoffs redemption? Cody Ross was cut from the Marlins this year; Aubrey Huff was placed on waivers by the Orioles and went unsigned by the Tigers last year; Pat Burrell was released by the Rays and subsequently signed to a minor league contract by the Giants; the White Sox let Juan Uribe walk; and the Padres let manager Bruce Bochy head north to a division rival. Congrats to them as well as all the non-misfits on the San Francisco roster.

Humor Vault Headlines

2010-11-02T08:00:00.004-05:00

In game played in London, Broncos and Niners called for a shitload of hand balls

Robot from Fox's NFL telecasts escapes, kills seven

Fearful of a fine or suspension, Brian Urlacher uses bye week to practice new gentle, more tender form of tackling

Bye week in review

2010-11-01T09:00:00.000-05:00

There's no on-field Bears action to review this week, but let's take a look at how the other NFL games affected da Bears.

The biggest downer was the Packers beating the Jets in what turned out to be the first shutout in the NFL this season. The win moves them to 5-3 and a half-game ahead of the Bears in the NFC North. Rex Ryan had a bye week to prepare for this game, and while he got his defense ready, he couldn't get his offense ready to do anything against a team that had allowed more than 20 points to the Vikings and Dolphins, respectively, in its last two games.

Staying in the division, the Vikings went to New England and took one on the chin--literally. Favre needed stitches in his chin and was replaced by Tarvaris Jackson after getting carted off the field in what appeared to be either a comatose state or a deep sleep. It's quite possible that he died. Minnesota is now 2-5, including 0-4 on the road, and they're tied with the Lions at the south end of the NFC North.

Looking at the bigger playoff picture, it was a mixed bag for the Bears (like Halloween!). The surprising Bucs dropped 38 on the Cardinals to go to 5-2 and into a tie for first with the Falcons. If the season ended today (it doesn't), the Buccaneers would go to the playoffs. The Rams won as well and have climbed to .500, and the Saints got a big win over the Steelers last night to become the fifth NFC team with five wins.

Good for the Bears: the Cowboys' season essentially ending with a drubbing at the hands of the Jaguars; the Redskins laying another egg on the road and falling to 4-4; and the Seahawks falling back to 4-3.

Next week the Bears head to Toronto to face the Bills in a must-win game while the Packers get a home game against the embarrassingly bad Cowboys.

Cubs will watch another drought end--just not theirs

2010-10-29T09:00:00.000-05:00

As a Cubs fan, which would be worse: To see a team that had never before won a postseason series (the Rangers) win it all before the Cubs do? Or to see a team that hasn't won since 1954 when they were 3,000 miles away in New York take the title?

In the last seven years, we've seen the Red Sox end the Curse of the Bambino, the White Sox avenge the scandal of 1919, and the Phillies end a 100-season title drought in the city of Philadelphia. And this year, either the 38-year-old Rangers will get their first ring, or the Giants will get their first since moving across the country in 1957.

Oh well. I'd much rather see this situation than see the Yankees win it again or the suddenly dynastic Phillies take it.

NFL's evil empires start season slow

There's a lot to pay attention to in an NFL season (especially if you have a fantasy football team and pick every game based on the spread), but I am getting immense enjoyment out of the Vikings' and Cowboys' early struggles. The two teams are a combined 3-9. Add the Packers in and the three of them are just 7-12. It's like watching the Cardinals tread water while the Yankees and White Sox fall apart before the All-Star break. It's fantastic. On top of that, Romo is out 6-8 weeks while Brett Favre has a fractured ankle and a texting thumb that is apparently all too healthy. I'm certainly nervous about the team I love and their very tenuous hold on first place, but the flame of my sports-hate is burning brightly this season.

Humor Vault Headlines

2010-10-28T09:00:00.000-05:00

Cliff Lee on MLB playoffs' low TV ratings: "That Vikings-Packers game was awesome."

Alex Smith discovers he's a really terrible quarterback by playing as the 49ers in Madden '11

Mike Quade on being named Cubs manager: "Who's Mike Quade?"

Bears fall on their faces, into tie for first

2010-10-26T09:00:00.001-05:00

The Bears' situation--they look terrible but they find themselves tied for first in the division--brings forth an interesting philosophical sports question: How much evidence do you require in order to have faith in your favorite team? What's your threshold for belief? Can the evidence be limited to fortunate geographic positioning? As in, being in the horrendous NFC North? Or does your personal sports dogma require more? Like, maybe, a certain level of talent, success, and all around good play?

All of this is to say: Are you excited that the Bears are somehow tied for first through Week 7? Or do you think, as Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth do, that it's all a mirage? Do you think it possible for the Bears to take advantage of their fortune moving forward, or has the Bears' pathetic performance the last two weeks left you devoid of faith in your favorite football team?

Me? I'm hanging on by a thread. The NFC's just so damn awful. The Bears get a bye (while the Packers face the Jets on the road) followed by the Bills. There's a decent chance the Bears will be 5-3 and still in first, and I won't be able to give up just yet. I mean, would that sort of be like leading at the halfway point of a marathon against Stephen Hawking, Rosie O'Donnell and my one-year-old niece? Would it be somewhat akin to leading a beauty pageant in which two contestants are revealed to be crossdressing men and another answers the question "If you had a million dollars, how would you use it to make the world a better place?" by coming down off the stage and stabbing one of the judges repeatedly in the heart? Yes, it would be something like those things. But still, first place!

Oh, I just thought of another good philosophical sports question: What the f**k is wrong with Jay Cutler? Seriously, someone tell me what the f**k is wrong with Jay Cutler. He looks like a rookie out there. DeAngelo Hall--who, I would like to remind you, plays for the Redskins--caught more of Cutler's passes than did Greg Olsen, and as many as Earl Bennett. Seeking to diversify his turnover portfolio, Cutler also fumbled at the goal line. It seems pretty clear that, along with the offensive line, the big problem with the Bears offense isn't the play caller (Martz), but the play maker. Or rather, the guy who was brought to the team to make plays but seems to do so mostly for his opponents.

You know who had a higher QB rating than Cutler on Sunday? Ryan Fitzpatrick. And Matt Cassel. And Jason Campbell. And Matt Moore. And Josh Freeman. And Todd Bouman. And Colt McCoy. And keep in mind, that's not a function of the Bears going away from the pass or anything like that. Cutler threw for 281 yards and a touchdown, good for the ol' QB rating. But four picks and a fumble? Not good. Not good at all.

Even the karma the Bears had early in the season (Calvin Johnson' non-TD, the Packers' plethora of penalties) seems to have vanished. A pick six by D.J. Moore was called back due to a delay of game. The Redskins fumbled like 700 times but got all but one of them back. Lovie wasted a challenge on a close play at the goal line which made him reluctant to challenge Cutler's fumble on the very next play. Wait, that last one wasn't karma, that's just Lovie and his staff being morons when it comes to using challenges.

It's amazing the Bears only lost by three. It felt like 30. Bring on the bye.

Let's end it on a positive note again:

Interim no more; Quade gets two-year deal

2010-10-25T09:00:00.000-05:00

First word that came to mind when Bryan Duling texted me that Mike Quade had been named Cubs manager? Disappointed. (Word that I actually texted in response? "Dammit." My vocabulary doesn't get much of a workout in the texting arena.)

I've said before that managers/coaches are the hardest element to judge in sports. How do you separate a manger from his players? Eric Wedge won AL Manger of the Year in 2007 and was out of a job shortly thereafter. Same for Joe Girardi with the Marlins in 2006. Is Lovie Smith a great coach or a terrible one? Certainly both arguments have been made during his tenure in Chicago. Is Phil Jackson the greatest NBA coach ever or lucky to have had the names "Michael Jordan" and "Kobe Bryant" on his rosters?

I don't know the answers to these questions. But I do know that Ryne Sandberg put in

four good years in the Cubs minor league system, that he's lauded by the players he managed, and that he's managed just 37 fewer major league games than Mike Quade.

Prior to the 2003 season, the Cubs hired Dusty Baker, fresh off a World Series appearance and two years after he won Manager of the Year with the Giants. One word for that? Impressed. Impressed that Hendry lured one of the most respected managers in the game to Chicago after a stretch of no-name managers on the North Side.

Prior to the 2007 season, the Cubs hired Lou Piniella. He had struggled with the woeful Rays but was in the top 20 all-time for wins by a manager and was easily the biggest name out there at the time. One word? Excited. A fiery manager with a winning history and a World Series ring on his finger. Can't do much better than that.

And now, prior to the 2011 season, we have Mike Quade. He has managed 37 major league games. He was a third base coach less than three months ago. And he is not a Hall of Famer and does not have his jersey number flying from the right-field foul pole.

There's my bias sneaking its way in. But that's okay. A lot of Cubs fans wanted Sandberg in part because of his legacy with the team. Of course we would understand if he got passed over for someone who clearly deserved the job more. But Mike Quade? The third base coach?

Sandberg expressed an interest in managing back in 2006. Piniella was a much, much better option. So Hendry told Sandberg to pack his bags and hit the minors if he wanted to work his way up. He did. Then he got promoted. Then he got promoted again. He was over .500 as a minor league manager. He was named PCL Manager of the Year in 2010. In the last two years, he took a Double-A team to the league championship and produced the most victories in a 16-team Triple-A league. He has worked with many Cubs who will be on the 2011 roster.

And yet ... Mike Quade. Not Dusty Baker, not Lou Piniella, not Joe Girardi, not Joe Torre, but Mike Quade. Sandberg accepted Hendry's challenge, put in four successful years in the minors, and Hendry did nothing but open the door for him to leave the organization.

Now, we do have to be fair here. Quade managed the Iowa Cubs for four years. He's managed over 2,000 minor league games in total. It's fair to say that he, too, has paid his dues.

Look, Quade might be the perfect fit. In fact, a "no-name" manager might be just what the team needs. A few of the players endorsed him down the stretch. He led the team to a 24-13 record. He showed guts by benching Starlin Castro when he made a mental mistake. I can't sit here and tell you that Quade definitely won't be a good manager. And I can't tell you that Sandberg definitely would have succeeded with the Cubs.

But ... I'm disappointed. On the Ron Santo Always Getting Rejected by the Veterans Committee Scale, this is about a 5. I am absolutely crushed every other January when Santo fails to get into the Hall of Fame. This doesn't reach that level, but I am definitely disappointed and frustrated that the Cubs have a new manager and it's not Ryno.I'm disappointed that Sandberg likely will never get a chance to manage the Cubs. I'm disappointed that he worked his ass of for the organization for the last four years and got passed over for a third base coach who did well in a 37-game stretch with no pressure and a roster with an average age of about 23.

Which, by the way, is the number on that flag flying on the right-field foul pole. Sandberg was a hero as a Cubs player, but he won't have the chance to play hero from the dugout even though he deserved the job as much as any of the other candidates on Hendry's list.

I'll get over it. I'll root for Quade to have success and frankly, I don't have much reason to believe he won't do just fine. (I mean, you know, except for the 77-win roster he inherits.) I liked Piniella enough, but I'm looking forward to a new era, a new personality, and hopefully a little less confusion and bewilderment from the manager. I'll be excited to see what Quade can do come Opening Day.

But for now, I'm disappointed.

Bears face third NFC East foe in near must-win game

2010-10-22T09:00:00.001-05:00

The Bears are 4-2, so why would they need a win already? Because they still have to head to Lambeau this season. Because with a quick look at their schedule, you'll see teams like the Patriots, Jets and Eagles listed. There are only so many wins left on the docket, and with the Bears currently laying three points in a home game against the beatable Redskins, it's darn close to a must-win game.

Washington has been close to the definition of average so far this year. They stay in virtually every game but don't have the firepower to put away all their opponents. They beat a good Eagles team with strong defense but gave up 30 points to the Rams. They beat Green Bay in overtime but couldn't pull out a win against Indy. A blowout on either side in this Sunday's game seems unlikely--my guess is one team will need to make a big play late in the fourth to win it.

The two teams haven't locked horns since 2007, a 24-16 win for Washington at FedEx Field.

KEYS TO THE GAME

Wrap up. Important in any game, of course, but especially against Donovan McNabb and 218-pound bruiser Ryan Torain at running back. If the Bears get to McNabb, they need to bring him down. And the defense will need to gang tackle Torain and hit him low--he's not a big fan of falling down.

Run the ball. It's becoming painfully clear (literally) that the Bears need more balance on offense. It's one thing to believe (as I do) that balance is key to any successful offense, but the fact is, Cutler's gonna find himself in the ER if the Bears don't start keeping defenses honest. On top of that, you can run the ball on this Redskins team--they allowed Joseph Addai to run for 128 yards last week, his highest total since 2007. If the Colts can run the ball against Washington, the Bears can too.

Chris Cooley and Lance Briggs. Both are hurt, but both will probably play. Cooley is the Skins' second leading receiver while Briggs is key to the Bears' D. If either is significantly less than 100 percent, it's likely to impact the final score.

NFL Visions, Part 2

2010-10-21T09:00:00.000-05:00

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

San Diego Chargers, 2-4
They really belong in the "down" category, but they're fortunate to be in a s**t division. And this team does have talent, right? How do they keep losing? I don't understand what's going on. That's why they're "blurry"--this team confuses the hell out of me. Is this just their typical slow start before a dominant second half? Or is this team just strangely sucky? If you're inclined to think they're just biding their time as usual, they better be done biding real soon: they face the Patriots, Titans and Texans in their next three.

Minnesota Vikings, 2-3
Lucky bastards got a win in the Craptastic Bowl, which keeps them alive. For now. And in a season where the whole NFC seems sort of poopy, the Vikings are unfortunately not out of it yet if they were to get their s**t together. I hope that does not happen.

Seattle Seahawks, 3-2

I really don't want to talk much about them because I currently hate them and their Bears-beating ways.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

Dallas Cowboys, 1-4
Compared to the Bills and the Panthers of the world, they're not actually hideous. But when AMERICA'S TEAM, a team with JERRY JONES as its owner, playing in a season in which THE FREAKIN' SUPER BOWL IS IN DALLAS, is 1-4, you're gonna have some problems. Plus, they're stuck in what seems to be the NFC's only good division. Don't be surprised if some actual, real-life cowboy down in Texas lassoes Tony Romo's ass as he's walking down the street. The Rangers are better than the Cowboys. I repeat, the Rangers are better than the Cowboys. Texans are not going to stand for that, y'all.

AFC West

The whole damn lot of 'em lost last week. All of 'em. And only one of them won the week before, and that's only because the Raiders and Chargers played each other.

The Chiefs are back to Earth after an unexpected 3-0 start. The Chargers continue to suffer head-scratching losses. The Broncos are nothing special. And the Raiders ... well, they're the Raiders.

But here's the real stat you need to know. This is the good stuff. I'm hookin' you up here. Combined, AFC West teams have fewer wins than the NFC West. That's right. The laughable, awful, amateur NFC West has one more win than the AFC West, and the AFC West has actually played one more game!

I'm sort of starting to hate this division. I was already a bit anti-Denver cuz of Orton. San Diego is always a confusing team and ultimately a tease even when they're good. Kansas City has been terrible for years, though I could get behind them this year if it turns out their 3-0 start wasn't a complete mirage. And unless you were born and raised inside the Oakland Coliseum--I mean if you literally spent at least 10 years of your life inside the stadium and were raised by the guy pictured to the right--then you can't like the Raiders. You just can't.

Buffalo Bills, 0-5

Let's see. This week they head to Baltimore. Loss. Then they go to Kansas City, who may not be for real but Arrowhead is a tough place to play. Loss. Then they get the Bears in Toronto after the Bears' bye week. Loss. Then they get the Lions at home. Lo--. Wait, what? The Lions at home? I think the Lions can definitely take down the Bills, but we have to declare this the first potentially winnable game for the Bills. In Week 10. Ouch.

Carolina Panthers, 0-5

They get San Fran, St. Louis and Tampa Bay three of the next four weeks, so they might just snag a win or two in the next month here. Or maybe not. Because they're now going back to Matt Moore, and Steve Smith is still injured.

My fantasy team
Holy Lord. I was under the impression when I joined a fantasy football league that you're supposed to win sometimes and lose sometimes. You know, you win some you lose some. But I'm the 2008 Lions and 1976 Buccaneers rolled up into one. I'm 0-6. I'm the only winless team in the league. I've scored an atrociously small number of points, though I do have two more than Trevor. Luckily, I've already traded a few of my players for draft picks and "keepers" for next year. But nevertheless, my fantasy team is hideous.

NFL Visions, Part 1

2010-10-20T09:00:00.000-05:00

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP

New York Jets, 5-1
Apparently LaDanian Tomlinson is not done playing football--he's averaging 5.3 yards per carry and is clearly Running Back Numero Uno in New York. Having lost 10-9 in Week 1 against Baltimore, they're two points away from a 6-0 record.

Philadelphia Eagles, 4-2
It's hard to have a quarterback controversy when one guy (Vick) has a QB rating of 108 and the other guy (Kolb) has thrown for 201, 253 and 326 yards in the last three games. Now comes the tough part: at Tennessee and then home against Indy.

Parity
Mercury Morris and the '72 Dolphins got to celebrate extremely early this season, in Week 5. It's the first time since 1970 that no team made it to 4-0 to begin the season. In fact, there are only three one-loss teams remaining through six weeks. If you can tell me right now that you're sure of which teams will face off in the Super Bowl, then I can tell you you're a damned dirty liar. And I don't like to be lied to.

Baltimore Ravens, 4-2
I know they lost to the Patriots this week, but their two losses on the season were by a combined eight points, both of them on the road. They've also defeated the Steelers, the Jets and Broncos. Their defense continues to be strong, and with their offense now coming around, things are looking up. So is their schedule: they get the Bills next week followed by a bye.

THINGS ARE LOOKING DOWN

Cincinnati Bengals, 2-3

After beating a strong Ravens teams and then defeating the Panthers comfortably, the 2-1 Bengals looked like they might have enough talent to make noise this season. So, naturally, they proceeded to lose to the Browns and the Buccaneers. How about a trip to Atlanta followed by games against Miami, Pittsburgh and Indianapolis to help you get better? No? You'd rather not? By the way, is it just me or have T.O. and Ochocinco been absurdly boring this season? They're actually doing pretty well, but why no crazy touchdown celebrations? Why no infighting? Why haven't either one of them drawn a felony charge yet? ENTERTAIN ME!

NFC North
The Bears sit at a respectable 4-2 after a bad loss, yet they still lead the Packers (3-3) and the Vikings (2-3). And of course the Lions aren't going to do anything to help the division's status. They appear to have eaten some bad cheese up in Green Bay--this team that was supposed to be 13-3 already has three losses? And though the Vikings got a much-needed win on Sunday, their offensive line still looks awful. The two underachieving teams will face off this Sunday night.

Denver Broncos, 2-4
I kind of lose track of the Broncos every week. What are those oxygen-deprived, neck-bearded crazies up to? Usually they're losing. Trying hard, it seems, but losing. But get this: the best teams they'll play between now and Week 16, based on current record, are the Chiefs and Cardinals, who are each 3-2. Seriously. Look at this schedule:

vs. Oakland
@ San Francisco
vs. Kansas City
@ San Diego
vs. St. Louis
@ Kansas City
@ Arizona
@ Oakland

How is that possible? The Broncos haven't looked all that great, but don't give up on them yet with that schedule, in that division.

Bears play ugly, let underdog Seahawks escape with win

2010-10-19T09:00:00.000-05:00

The Bears were the worst third down team in the NFL heading into the game. They must have addressed this in practice last week because they really committed to continuing this trend of complete suckitude. I mean hey, if you're leading the league in something, you might as well keep it up, right? They were 0-for-12 on Sunday to bring their third down conversion percentage to 17 percent on the season. For comparison's sake, the Falcons have converted on 43 percent of their third downs this season. You should really convert at least one of twelve attempts just by accident. A lucky tip, a QB scramble ... something. But no. The Bears may as well have punted on third down every drive just to ultimately give themselves more time at the end of the game.

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One of the reasons I was most excited about the Chester Taylor signing in the offseason is his blocking ability. He was often in the backfield for the Vikings on third-and-long because he can pick up the blitz. But Taylor was rarely in there even on those passing downs against Seattle. Another element Taylor brings to the table is the ability to catch the ball out of the backfield. Third-and-six? Check it down to Taylor and see if he can pick up the necessary yardage. But no, Taylor caught just one pass the entire game and was targeted only one other time. Why'd they get this guy?

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I'm going to sound a bit hypocritical here, but hear me out: The Seahawks shouldn't have been kicking to Devin Hester in the fourth quarter. I said earlier that the praise and fear of him has been overblown since his punt return against the Packers. But if you're up 10 late in the fourth, don't give him a chance to bring the Bears back. Field position didn't matter in that situation--if the Bears end up with 10 more yards because you punt it out of bounds, so what? They still need 10 points in two minutes. But if you punt it to him, THAT might happen. Which was about the only thing that could have really hurt the Seahawks at that juncture.

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I don't know if the Bears' playoff chances can survive this offensive line. Heck, I don't know if Jay Cutler can survive this offensive line. The Bears have allowed 27 sacks this season, seven more than any other team, and Cutler has been dropped 14 times in his last two games. The coaching staff has continued to tweak the line as they seek the right combination--Chris Williams was moved from left tackle to left guard last week, for example--but they sure as hell ain't found it yet. That has to improve, or the Bears won't.

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Give Cutler this: he spread the ball around. Seven different receivers caught at least one pass. But Cutler spread the ball around so much that most of his passes landed on the turf (after bouncing off a defender's hands, in many cases). It was a pretty horrific performance all-around, which is why his QB rating ended up below 70.

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I hope Briggs is back next week. My feeling on this defense is that they're pretty good, but that they need all hands on deck in order to be so. No Urlacher? Done. Missing Briggs? Bad. If Peppers were to miss a game? /Shudder. There's not a real big margin of error here.

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On the bright side, there must be some serious panicking going on north of the border after the Packers lost a home game to Miami. A team that was supposed to dominate the NFC, the Packers find themselves just 3-3 and still a game back of the Bears. Let's end this on a high note:

Road trip!

2010-10-18T08:50:00.003-05:00

Trevor Sierra, Brian Brennan, Jeffrey Williams and I headed East last Friday for a weekend of awesomeness centered around Michigan's Homecoming game against Iowa. It was awesome.

Just your standard Homecoming decoration: a one-legged football player made out of balloons.

We tailgated.

There was beer.

Not true: We wowed the other tailgaters with our superior football skills.
True: Just after this picture was taken, Jeffrey fumbled the ball while Trevor and Brian tripped over each others' legs and sustained Grade 2 concussions. Later in the day, Trevor would stumble backwards into an elderly woman wearing an Iowa jersey. He did not apologize, but rather yelled "Pass interference!" at her as he got up.

Hey, that looks kinda cool.

I think my favorite thing about the game was that people never seem to get up at college football games. I was right in the middle of a row and literally did not have to stand up once in the first half. This picture was taken in the middle of a timeout, I swear. 112,000 people, all focused on the game throughout. Very cool.

Michigan lost to the Hawkeyes 38-28, though backup QB Tate Forcier did make it close at the end after they trailed 28-7 at one point. So the crowd at the Big House was unable to hail to the victors, but I think I speak for all four of us when I say it was a fantastic experience.

Bears Soldier on with first of back-to-back home games

2010-10-15T09:00:00.000-05:00

The Bears played a Seneca Wallaced-led Seahawks team in Week 3 last year and escaped with a 25-19 victory. They're facing each other once again because they both finished third in their respective divisions last season. While last year's matchup was played at the very loud Qwest Field, Seattle will come to Chicago this time. The Bears have just one set of back-to-back home games this season, and this is it.

The Seahawks are coming off their bye and will have had plenty of time to prepare. On top of that, Jay Cutler is coming off of his concussion. But while the Bears probably aren't catching Seattle at the right time, they're at least catching them in the right place:

Seattle in home games this season: 2-0, combined score of 58-26

Seattle in road games this season: 0-2, combined score of 51-17

KEYS TO THE GAME

Can Cutler rebound? Concussions are no longer treated like minor scrapes in the NFL, and with good reason. Some believe Cutler got concussed (great word) somewhat early in the Giants game, which is what led to his indecision and all around terrible play. If that's the case, Bears fans need to hope he's fully healed and ready to execute the game plan against Seattle.

Kick returns. Seattle has the best average in the league at 37.8 yards per return (for comparison's sake, Cleveland averages 16.2). Leon Washington also returned two kickoffs for touchdowns against Seattle. Danieal Manning is having success, too--his 28.7 average is good for sixth in the NFL. If one team's coverage unit can hold the other team in check, it will go a long way toward winning the field position battle.

Keep the Seahawks one-dimensional. Seattle averages a dismal 79.5 rushing yards per game, a full 20 yards less than the Bears who are themselves just 23rd in the league in that category. That's why they recently traded for Marshawn Lynch. Justin Forsett has been just okay, and guys like Leon Washington and Julius Jones have done next-to-nothing (Jones was shipped out). With receiver Deion Branch (second-most receptions on the team) having just been traded to New England, forcing the Seahawks to rely on the pass should be a winning formula.

This guy next to me clearly doesn't know the words to Take Me Out to the Ball Game

2010-10-14T09:00:00.000-05:00

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

CHICAGO--This douchebag next to me obviously doesn't know the words to "Take Me Out to the Ball Game," so why is he even bothering to pretend? "Buy me some phhh-nuhhh and graaaa-shhhh-eh?" Really? Just sit down, or at least shut up. Your selfish decision to belt out nonsense in order to feel like part of the crowd is really ruining the mojo. Freakin' Milli Vanilli over here wasn't at all prepared for the "one, two, three strikes your out," jumped in on "three" and then proceeded to shout "four" instead of moving on to the next line in the song. What an a**hole. Oh and now he's going to finish by singing "at the old baseball" instead of ball game? Are you kidding me? I wish someone would take this jerk out of the ball park.

Hurry back, Jay

2010-10-12T09:00:00.001-05:00

Mike Martz is not a big fan of running the football, but he proved on Sunday that he's at least willing to commit to the ground game if he's given no other choice. So Matt Forte can tip his helmet to Martz, but it's Todd Collins he needs to buy dinner for.

Halloween is still a few weeks away, but Collins and the Bears' passing attack were in full holiday mode against the Panthers, putting on a downright scary performance that necessitated a run-first (and second, and third) game plan.

Collins led drive after drive (I use the term "drive" loosely) that were about as fun to watch as the horror movie "House of Wax" starring Paris Hilton, a movie that has very little going for it except that it might be slightly more believable than the concept that Todd Collins is in fact an NFL quarterback. He handed out interceptions like candy corn (four) and had a passer rating lower than the #10 jersey he wears. The Bears scored six points in the last 52 minutes of the game.

But they scored 17 in the first 8 minutes on the strength of two Forte touchdowns. He finished with 166 yards rushing and a stellar 7.5 average, and the Bears had over 200 total rushing yards. Forte or Chester Taylor likely could have had another TD, but Martz couldn't resist calling a pass play on 3rd-and-goal from the one, and Collins promptly threw it to a Panthers lineman.

Fortunately, as much as the passing attack made you want to change the channel or poke your eyes out with a fork, the defense was so good that you were a little happy each time the Bears were forced to punt, which they did six times (and would have done more were it not for the interceptions). They completely dominated Jimmy Clausen and the Panthers, turning what looked and felt like a trick into a nice treat--in the end, the Bears are 4-1 and tied for the best record in the NFL.

The D was once again led by Julius Peppers who returned to his home state with a flourish, batting a pass into the air with his big bear paw, diving to intercept it, and adding three tackles and

several QB rushes on the day. And the Bears didn't just chase Clausen and Matt Moore around, they sacked them five times as well. Add in their three interceptions and you've got one heck of a fantasy performance.

And wait, what's this? A whole Snickers bar at the bottom of my bag? The Bears got an extra treat when the Packers blew a 10-point lead in Washington, dropping them to 3-2. On top of that, some SweetTarts and even some Sour Patch Kids: Aaron Rodgers sustained a concussion and may miss next week's game, and tight end Jermichael Finley will miss several weeks. Linebacker Nick Barnett was lost for the season last week, and of course Ryan Grant is gone as well. The Packers will be mighty banged up heading into a stretch against Miami (coming off a bye), Minnesota and the Jets.

While the Bears were able to snag a win against a hapless team missing a safety and their best receiver, they may not be so lucky against the Seahawks or Redskins if Cutler is unable to go. It seems likely that Chad Hanie (2-for-3, 19 yards) would get the start this Sunday if Cutler is out since he at least looked mildly capable, something that cannot be said of Collins.

I was critical of Cutler last year and still believe the praise should be tempered. He has made a few more bad decisions this season and doesn't have the consistency of the top echelon quarterbacks in the league, at least not yet. But I will say this: after watching Collins for three quarters, you quickly realize that Cutler does have a special set of skills. Getting back to our Halloween/horror movie theme, sometimes you have to come to know the bad guy before you can fully realize how good the good guy is. But let's hope that Sunday was the bad guy's only scene in the movie that is the Bears' 2010 season. Hurry back, Jay.

If I had it my way, Burger King would change their goddamn slogan already

2010-10-11T09:00:00.000-05:00

*This post has nothing to do with sports. Weird.

I hate Burger King's slogan: Have It Your Way. It doesn't mean anything. It's asinine. You know where I can have it my way? At every fucking restaurant in America.

Really, Burger King? You'll refrain from putting pickles on my Whopper if I kindly explain to you that this is the way I prefer my burgers? What a refreshing change from those Nazi bastards over at McDonald's. The other day I ordered a Big Mac with no pickles and you know what they did? The employee stepped away from the register, walked to the back, grabbed a handful of pickles, returned to the counter and SHOT ME IN THE KNEECAP. That bitch shot me in the kneecap just because I didn't want any pickles.

But thank God for you, Burger King. You, and only you, care about my needs, my subjective fast food tastes. I was in a Burger King last week and they had a "Have It Your Way" sign that explained that I could take one napkin or two, whichever I wanted, because at Burger King I get to have it my way. You'd really do that? For me?

Me: "Ma'am, is it okay if I grab a napkin from this napkin dispenser?"

BK employee: "Of course."

/takes one

Me, hesitant: "Um, ma'am? What if I wanted to take a second napkin?"

BK employee: "Sure."

/looks around nervously, then grabs one quickly

Me, thinking: This is insane. It's almost like that woman doesn't care how many napkins I take. She didn't care if I took one and now she seems indifferent to the idea of me taking two. Could I take a third? No, no. Don't push it.

I truly don't understand where they're coming from with this. I can get burgers with or without cheese? I can get a small or a large fry? NO FUCKING SHIT. Now, if they want to step this up a notch and really let me have it my way, I could get on board. Can I get my burger inside out with two patties sandwiching a bun? Can I get free refills ... of my fries? "Can I get my Whopper with exactly one onion and a third of a tomato slice, and then the whole thing cut into quarters and then can you refer to my meal as a #6 when you place it on the counter even though it's a #1?" "But why, sir?" "BECAUSE THAT'S MY WAY. That's how I do things. Your sign says I can have it my way and I'll be damned if I'm going to be served a Whopper that isn't cut into quarters."

But what really pisses me off is that this slogan goes all the way back to 1974. They dropped it for about 30 years in between, but they went back to it in 2005. Someone at Burger King came to their senses back in the '70s and said, "Hey, you know what I just realized? This slogan doesn't make any sense. We might as well be saying 'Burger King: We're a restaurant.'" But 30 years later, some asshole dug it out of the slogan landfill where it had been appropriately buried and now it's still here in 2010. Unbelievable.

Also, their fries suck.

The end.

And so begins the "easy" part of the Bears' schedule

2010-10-08T09:00:00.002-05:00

I put "easy" in quotes because last season's "easy" stretch of Cincinnati, Cleveland, Arizona and San Francisco took the Bears from 3-2 to 4-5. You just never know. And on top of that, the Bears are only three-point favorites as they head to Carolina.

But a punchless Panthers team that's 27th in the NFL in offense and relies on the run should be a good matchup for the Bears. They lost last time they went to Carolina in 2008 and the time before in 2002, and while they beat the Panthers at home in 2005, they lost in the playoffs that year when Steve Smith had 850 receiving yards.

That's unlikely to happen this Sunday, partly because Jimmy Clausen will get the start. He's completed just 49 percent of his passes in two games, though he did do enough last week to keep his team in the game against the Saints. In reality, Carolina's a rushing team, though their 4.0 yards/carry puts them in the middle of the pack in the NFL. DeAngelo Williams has been decent while Jonathan Stewart has yet to reach his weight in rushing yards (89 total this season). With the Bears still a top ten team in rush defense, they should be able to force the Panthers to rely on Clausen, which should lead to a positive outcome. It's a game the Bears need badly if for no other reason than this is a game they're absolutely supposed to win.

KEYS TO THE GAME

Will Todd Collins be any good? Cutler has been F**K ruled out of the game due to his concussion, which means GOD DAMMIT Todd Collins will get the start. He hasn't SON OF A B**TCH started a game since 2007, and he's started only THIS IS BULLS**T 20 games in his NFL career. Can he be at least moderately OH JESUS OH JESUS effective?

Contain Steve Smith. Heard of Mike Goodson? How about Dante Rosario? Maybe David Gettis? Those three have the second-, third- and fourth-most receptions for the Panthers behind Smith. So, yeah, just stop Steve Smith.

Homecoming king? Julius Peppers is from North Carolina, attended UNC and played his entire career in Carolina before coming to the Bears. Will he make the locals miss him, or will the pressure get to him?

Humor Vault Headlines

2010-10-07T09:00:00.003-05:00

Yankees and Rays finally finish thrilling race to see who could make Red Sox feel worse about themselves

New ESPN4.com to show nothing but Dick Vitale, Herm Edwards and Chris Berman yelling at each other

Cincinnati Reds players forced to attend three-hour seminar on how playoffs work

The tale of Giants sacks and the three Bears

2010-10-04T23:00:00.000-05:00

If you'd have told me before the season started that the Bears would be 3-1 after four games and I'd be extremely concerned, I'd have calmly explained to you the concept of wins and losses and kindly inquired as to your understanding of the meaning of the word "concerned."

But 3-1 is what they are, and concerned is what I am. When will Cutler return from his concussion, and will he remain effective when he does? Can the offensive line block anyone?

One would think the Bears didn't beat the Cowboys and the Packers entirely by accident. This team has talent, and it can't truly be as bad as it looked Sunday night, right? Right?? The unwatchable nature of that game made me worry that this season is kind of like the goldfish you win at the fair as a kid. Look at me, I have a PET! It's a FISH and it's ALIVE and I get to take it home and watch it swim around! I'm the luckiest kid EVER! But three days later it's just an orange floatie-thing at the top of the tank and someone in the family has to flush it down the toilet. That fish did not bring me as much joy as I expected! Worst toy EVER!

How can the Bears have looked so bad so suddenly? What was Cutler doing out there? I haven't seen that many sacks since I attended my local mall's Santa Claus orientation. Why wouldn't he throw the ball? In the first half, Cutler completed eight passes and took nine sacks, and the Bears had nine more all-purpose yards (that includes kick and punt returns) than yards lost in sacks (55). What these numbers add up to is this: many of the Bears' offensive woes could have been solved by Cutler THROWING THE DAMN BALL! The Sunday Night crew did a great job of pointing out some of the instances in which Cutler simply failed to read the blitz and see the open man. It's like the bright lights and all the hits he was taking sent his brain back to 1906, pre-forward pass: "I don't need any of these newfangled 'throws' I've been hearing about on my new synchronous rotary-spark transmitter. We need to cut out this funny business. I mean what's the big idea, anyways?"

So Cutler was just a liiiiiitle too concussed. But enter Todd Collins. No, that won't work--he was just a liiiiiitle too old and washed up. The Bears might as well have had Todd Hollandsworth out there. Caleb Hanie? He was juuuuust awful.

At least Peppers played well.

One final thing: can we please wait until Devin Hester has, say, one more good punt return before we declare that he is the most dangerous man in football and essentially guaranteed to return every punt for a touchdown if you punt to him? It wasn't just Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth, it seems like everyone's doing it. The MNF guys last week admonished the Packers for kicking to Hester, asking how a team can possibly kick it to someone who's so explosive. How about because, um, he hadn't returned a punt for a touchdown since Bush was in office? Don't get me wrong, I hope Hester is back with a vengeance and I think it'd be great if teams start kicking away from him and giving the Bears free field position. But the praise for him has been a little much given that he has one return TD in the last three seasons.

Final Week awards: Will Quade still be in the dugout in 2011?

2010-10-03T12:06:00.001-05:00

It was another strong week for the Cubs as they finished the season by taking three of four in San Diego followed by two of three against the Astros in Houston. It was the pitching that carried them this week: they allowed just 12 runs in the seven games. The Cubs finished the season 24-13 under Quade, and the strong finish left them just one game shy of fourth place in the Central (so close!).

Did the team's sudden turnaround earn Quade the nod as 2011 Cubs manager? What about Sandberg as manager and Quade as his bench coach? With the season officially in the books, we've got lots of time to discuss Hendry's offseason plans and the future of the franchise. But for now, the final awards of 2010:

Ryno of the Week: Take a look at this line: 14.2 IP, o ER, 2 H, 25 K

That's Carlos Marmol's September. Oh, and he was 13/13 in saves during the month as well. Just to make sure you took that all in: He allowed two hits in September, struck out 25, did not allow a run, and converted 13 straight saves. That's not fair. It ain't right. National League hitters could sue on the grounds that Marmol's pitching is a form of cruel and unusual punishment. He was 4/4 in the season's final week and converted his last 17 straight to finish the season.

Honorable mentions: Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster, Casey Coleman, Andrew Cashner, Marlon Byrd, Blake DeWitt

Goat of the Week: It was a bad year all around and a bad final week for Xavier Nady. He went 6-for-23 last week with seven strikeouts, and batted just .256 (.306 OBP) with six home runs and 33 RBI in 317 AB this season.

Dishonorable mention: Kosuke Fukudome