Dis-GUS-ted

Illinois' embarrassing 72-53 loss to Ohio State on Sunday--their worst home loss since 1976--wasn't simply a waste of a chance to stay atop the Big Ten standings. Much worse than that, it was a waste of Gus Johnson! (Full disclosure: this joke was made by Trevor Sierra, but was set up by my statement that the game's lack of drama was frustrating given that Gus was announcing the game).

Tuning in to a Gus Johnson-called game is like a trip to Vegas--it doesn't come around that often, so you'd better enjoy it. But to have the stars align--to see your favorite team play on national television with Gus calling the action--that's like being in Vegas, walking into Caesar's, strolling up to the roulette wheel and putting $100 on "13." It's a chance to witness something amazing, to know what it's like to be the guy who has luck on his side, to experience true happiness.

But the Illini fell behind 13-6 out of the gate, trailed 34-14 later in the first half, and weren't able to pull within fewer than 14 points in the second half. Thirteen didn't hit. It never had a chance. The ball landed on 27 and your $100 is gone. You're not the lucky one. It's time to go to Slots-A-Fun where you belong, where, deep down, you knew you belonged even as you felt Caesar's plush carpet underneath your feet and the crisp $100 bill in your pocket. There's no money to be won here, no "HO-HOOOH!!!"s or "Rises and FIRRRRRRES ... GOT IT!!!"s or any other Gus-isms.

It didn't work out this time, Gus, but we'll reload at Slots-A-Fun and be back for another go before it's all said and done. After all, March Madness is just around the corner.

Giving thanks, sports-style

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Do you think the Pilgrims and Indians played a game of pick-up football after their meal? I like to think so.

A few sports-related things I'm thankful for:

• The Brewers, Astros, Reds and Pirates being in the Cubs' division.
  
• The God of Schedules, for putting the Rams and Browns on the Bears' schedule, plus the Lions twice. How bad would things be for the Bears if they didn't have the easiest schedule in the league?
• Trevor Sierra and Brian Brennan, for providing company in my obsession with sports.
• The fact that you can tell when Halloween has passed each year just by checking to see if Notre Dame has started choking away their season yet.
• The NFL Red Zone channel.
• Illinois Wesleyan athletics: women's soccer made it to the second round of the national tournament, the football team is 10-1 and headed to the Round of 16, the women's basketball team is ranked second in the nation, the men's team is 3-1, men's and women's golf are ranked in the top 11, and Kerry Devitt just became the first IWU cross country runner to win the conference meet.
• ESPN columnist Bill Simmons, on whom I admittedly have a man crush.
• Gus Johnson calling not just college basketball, but NFL games too.
• A real, live human being owning the Cubs.

Who's got a date with the Elite Eight?

Really, Memphis. Really. Reeeaaally. Really?

I admitted in my predictions that I didn't know how good Memphis really was. They were rarely on TV this season, and they play in a conference with teams such as Southern Methodist and Rice (sorry, Andrew). If you go from Christmas through St. Patrick's Day without losing, you're good, no doubt. But it was nearly impossible to tell just how good a team like this was.

Well, we found out Thursday night. Missouri gave Memphis a good ol' Big 12 whoopin'. The Tigers (Mizzou, that is) put up 102 points on a Tiger team (Memphis, that is) that allowed just 58 points per game this season. Interestingly, Missouri coach Mike Anderson coached the last Conference USA team to beat Memphis--he was UAB's coach when they took down Memphis just 62 conference games ago.

So I put too much stock in unknown Memphis, picking them to take down UConn for a Final Four spot. But that's OK, because ...

The Big East continues to carry my bracket, with an assist from the overrated ACC. Villanova schooled Duke Thursday, and made it look easy. The Blue Devils continue to disappoint (unless you're me), as they have not made it to the Elite Eight since 2004. Now if only Gonzaga can make UNC suffer the same fate this evening ...

Pitt continued to look as though they have no interest whatsoever in winning the national championship, yet they pulled out another close victory. They seem destined to fall at some point if they keep this up (they've won by 10, 8 and 5 against weaker opponents), but I have to give them credit for grinding out victories to this point. And credit is also due to the Panthers for making it to their first ever regional final.

UConn handled Little 10 opponent Purdue with relative ease, transforming them into a perimeter team with the imposing presence of Hasheem Thabeet down low. Michigan State now carries the torch for the Big Ten, as they face Kansas in a sweet coaching match up--Tom Izzo vs. Bill Self. Sweet announcing match up as well--that's right, Gus Johnson will be doing this one, as well as the Louisville-Arizona game. Who wants a buzzer beater? I do! I do!

Are You There God? It's me, March Madness.

It’s March, and you know what that means: It’s Fire Prevention Month!

Oh, and it’s time for March Madness! Ah, March Madness—an annual tradition of buzzer-beaters, upsets, watching basketball at work while trying not to get caught, and—most exciting of all—lots of numbers accompanied by alliterative adjectives (e.g. Sweet Sixteen, Elite Eight and Final Four). It’s an extended sports spectacle that grabs the attention of Americans young and old and fills the coffers of bookies everywhere. Sixty-four teams enter with one common goal: to apply the concept of Murphy’s Law to my bracket by losing if I pick them to win and winning if I pick them to lose.

March Madness is one of my favorite times of year, mainly because it features 126 hours of sweet hoops action spread out over 10 different days. But there are many other reasons to feel much gladness about March Madness:

-You get to hear Gus Johnson call last-second shots. “Rises and FIRRRRRRES … GOT IT!!!!”
Sometimes I spice up my day by pretending Gus Johnson is announcing my actions. As in: “He drives down the road, looks right as he goes to parallel park, squeezes in there, straightens it OUUUUUUUUUTTTTT … GOT IT!!!” If you don’t know what I’m talking about, or even if you do, click here, sit back and enjoy the beautiful rhetorical stylings of the third greatest announcer in the world.

-The Chippens NCAA Tournament Challenge!

-It means baseball’s Opening Day is just around the corner. In fact, the championship game often coincides with the Cubs’ first game (like it does this year), which is like having your birthday on Christmas or buying a house and discovering that it comes with a BMW.

-It’s college basketball with no Dick Vitale. Why won’t he stop yelling at me? I don’t care what BMOC stands for. What did he say? The ACC is strong this year? I can’t understand him when he screams like that. He sounds like Kermit the Frog if he were afflicted by voice imodulation disorder and injected with some sort of serum limiting his speech to strange and ridiculous exaggerations.

-Winning the Chippens NCAA Tournament Challenge!

-One word: Drama. It’s Win or Go Home. There’s something natural and Darwinian about it. Teams play 25+ games, fighting and clawing to claim a spot in the tourney, and then all of a sudden—BAM!—a last-second heave from half court (hopefully called by Gus Johnson) can send them packing ‘til next year. There’s no best of five, no byes, no Papajohns.com Bowl. It’s drama to the 64th power.

If you want to reminisce, or perhaps whet the palate in preparation for this year’s Big Dance, check out some of these clips: