ESPN's new futuristic BottomLine tells viewers what's going to happen

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

BRISTOL, Conn.--This week, ESPN launched its revolutionary new BottomLine that, rather than simply providing live scores or upcoming game information, informs viewers about what is going to happen. Sports and media analysts are touting the network's newest innovation as one of the most groundbreaking in recent memory.

"Here at ESPN, we are always looking for new ways to improve the viewer's experience," said Chief Technology Officer Charles Pagano. "This is the 21st century. Sports fans don't just want to know who's playing tonight, they want to know who's going to win. Now all they'll have to do is tune into one of ESPN's 47 networks and glance at the BottomLine to know."

Spokesmen for several Las Vegas sportsbooks said they expect a huge increase in betting and are nervous about setting lines with future results available to bettors. "This is bullshit," commented one oddsmaker. Added a random bettor, "Fuck. Yeah."

Pagano said that there is one kink they have yet to iron out: ESPN is currently unable to show future results for any game being aired on an ESPN affiliate. "The big college basketball game on ESPN this Saturday? You'll have to watch to find out what happens there," Pagano said. "But there's not much point in watching the Super Bowl on Fox this Sunday (27-24 Steelers, according to the BottomLine), which means you can watch the big bowling tournament on ESPN! Everyone wins."

ESPN analyst completely misunderstands job description, mocks draft on live TV

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

BRISTOL, CT--ESPN issued an apology Wednesday in light of Tuesday's awkward "Live NFL Draft Preview Special," on which newly hired Dale Harris continuously mocked the NFL Draft rather than presenting a mock draft.

"Oh, I can't wait to find out who's going to get picked first," said Harris, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "I'm sure whoever it is will make the Lions a great team. They're just one player away from the Super Bowl."

Later, Harris added: "And what is the deal with this thing taking two days? Does NFL Draft stand for Needlessly Freakin' Long Draft? I mean, cooome oooon. You gotta be a real loser to sit and watch hours of Roger Goodell announcing players' names every 10 minutes."

The live special, which was scheduled to run two hours, ended after just 25 minutes when Harris and a seething Mel Kiper, Jr. began shoving each other. Kiper, Jr. eventually gained the upper hand, shoving Harris into his famed "big board." The names of highly touted potential draft picks went flying into the air and became scattered around the studio, effectively ruining everything the show had managed to accomplish to that point. Luckily for Harris, he was wearing an oversized Bengals helmet when the fight began--he apparently felt it was an appropriate prop to augment his rant mocking recent Bengals draft picks, a rant that ended abruptly when Kiper, Jr. suddenly stormed in from off-camera and engaged in the aforementioned fisticuffs.