Cham-pain

33 total points

0 free throws attempted

I wanted to be ill as I watched Ill. put together one of the more offensive offensive displays in Assembly Hall history last night. The Illini were like terrible battleship players (they couldn't sink anything). If they were plumbers, they'd have been fired (they couldn't drain anything). If they were a movie, they'd be The Natural (they sucked).

OK, sorry, I was just trying to distract myself from disturbing facts such as these:

• Illinois lost to Penn State on Wednesday by a score of 38-33. No, the game was not forfeited at halftime; that was the final.
  
• Illinois attempted zero free throws, the first time in school history that has happened.
  
• The teams shot a combined 29 percent from the field. I'm pretty sure Chris Kawakita and I shoot a higher percentage when we play horse, and most of our shots are from at least 30 feet away, or involve our feet, head, back, knee, non-dominant hand, a folding chair, a wall, a pillar, a nearby child, an orange cone, the bleachers, the ceiling, a cell phone, a door, the hoop at the other end of the court, an animal, a table, the scoreboard, or the shot clock.
  
• The teams combined for the lowest point total in D I since 2005.
• Illinois had six points with under eight minutes to go in the first half.
• Illinois had 29 points with 10:21 to go in the game, scored a basket with six minutes left, then another basket with about two minutes left, and that was it. Repeat: 29 points with 10:21 left. Two. More. Baskets. The. Rest. Of. The. Game.
  

Anyways, the loss drops the Illini to third place in the Big Ten, and means it would take a miracle for them to overtake Michigan State for the regular season title. But they're still in good position to get a top seed in the Big Ten tournament, and they need to move forward and pretend this game never happened.

Go Illi--I just threw up a little in my mouth.