Wha' happened?

Calvin Johnson screwed up by not possessing the ball all the way through the process of the catch. Or something.

Seriously, I have no idea what just happened. Have you ever seen a football game more confusing than the Bears' 19-14 win over the Lions? I feel like I just saw Mulholland Drive for the first time. Was it good? Was it terrible? Can you promise me I never have to watch that again?

The happy fan's take: If the Bears are to be a playoff team, they had a few goals to accomplish on Sunday:

1) Dominate both sides of the ball.

Check. They outgained the Lions 463-168. Their average play went for 6.6 yards, while the Lions' went for a pathetic 2.9. The Bears held the Lions to 20 rushing yards on 21 carries.

2) Cutler should have been able to carve up Detroit's secondary.

Check. He threw for 372 yards, more than he amassed in any game last season. He did throw one ill-advised pick, but also had two TDs.

3) Forte needed to show the explosiveness that eluded him last year.

Check. Forte had over 200 total yards, including an 89-yard reception on which he outran several Detroit defenders as he took it the house. Did he leave them in the dust? No, but he found open space, saw the end zone, and got to the end zone. I'm not sure his injured leg would have allowed him to do that last season.

4) Urlacher needed to be the dominant force he once was.

Check. He was flying all over the field, finishing the game with eight tackles and a sack.

The skeptical fan's take: The Bears should be 0-1. Calvin Johnson should file a report with the Chicago Police Department, because he was robbed. The Bears essentially lost a home game to the Detroit Freakin' Lions.

Things that make me angry at life:

1) Shaun Hill essentially led a game-winning drive in the last 1:32. Shaun Hill. Fun facts you may not have known about Shaun Hill:

-He is currently homeless.

-He was signed by the Lions as the result of a clerical error last Friday.

-His father always told him he'd never amount to anything. At the end of each NFL season, he calls him to say "I told you so."

2) Four turnovers. Why do the Bears hate the ball so much? What's so bad about holding the ball? Is it sharp? Is it malodorous? Perhaps it has a tendency to say disrespectful things to those who hold it? Forte let go twice, Olsen once (in the red zone), Cutler once. Oh, and Cutler had a nice little 2009 moment in which he threw down the middle of the field into triple coverage.

3) Nine penalties for 100 yards, including three personal fouls. They were about as disciplined as Mel Gibson drunk at a bar mitzvah.

4) Lovie's decision to go for it on fourth-and-one. Unacceptable. Inexcusable. The Lions had 101 yards of offense to that point and the Bears could have taken a two-point lead and rode their defense to victory. Instead, they tried to "send a message" and ran up the middle for no gain. Apparently the message was: We don't care what the score is because points are just the establishment's way of keeping the proletariat in their place. We scoff at the belief that a team's performance can be judged by the number of points they score in relation to their opponent. Workers of the world, unite!

4) How do you get 463 yards of offense but just 19 points? By going 0-for-4 in the red zone. It was a veritable litany of missed opportunities. A veritable litany.

So, take your pick: The Bears either impressed on both sides of the ball and finished the week tied with the Packers for first, or they got lucky in what should have been an ugly, mistake-ridden loss to Shaun Hill and the Lions. Me? I'll get back to you after Week 2.