Okay everyone, listen up! Who wants to be the Bears' offensive coordinator? (Crickets chirping ...)

The Bears' drawn out search for an offensive coordinator would be comical if it weren't so pathetic (okay, it's still kind of comical). They're now 0-for-5 in the search. That's a golden sombrero plus one. Or a 0.0 quarterback rating. Use whatever analogy you want, it's bad.

Most of the candidates would have been taking a serious promotion had they become the Bears' offensive coordinator. But apparently the idea of working under Lame Duck Lovie and Jerry Angelo, and working with Jay Cutler and the Bears' offense, is not an appealing proposition.

The most recent suitor who did not requite the Bears' love was Ravens quarterbacks coach Hue Jackson. Now this one I don't get. Jackson turned down the Bears' offer to take the same position with the Oakland Raiders. The Oakland Raiders? Are you serious? That's like choosing Hell over purgatory. Sure, purgatory sucks an' all, and it's hard to think of many things worse. But I can think of one: Hell!

Working under Al Davis? The man's 108! (Or 80. One of the two.) They haven't even sniffed a .500 record since their Super Bowl season in 2002. Their head coach, Tom Cable, narrowly avoided assault charges for allegedly striking ... another coach! Their quarterback is Jamarcus Freakin' Russell!

Jay Cutler has issues, but Jackson chose Russell over him? Russell's QB rating this season was 50, the worst of any QB in the NFL. Russell's QB rating this season was 50, the worst of any QB in the NFL. Yes, I know I just repeated that--I wanted to make sure you really let that sink in. The man was benched twice this season. But you know who still loves him? 108-year-old owner Al Davis. Who still owns the team. Whom Hue Jackson will now be working for. (Rumor has it that Jackson might become the head coach instead of Cable, which would be the only semi-logical explanation for Jackson's decision.)

What are the Bears saying in these interviews?

"We really feel that Jay maxed out on his potential this year, and we just need someone to come in and help him maintain his level of performance." And then the candidate runs out of the office with those cartoon smoke trails behind him.

"We fired Ron Turner because someone had to fall on the axe, but we really want someone to come in here and do exactly what he was doing." And then the candidate presses a button and is ejected clear out of Halas Hall, never to be seen again.

The Bears will soon have to turn to a Pop Warner assistant coach to fill the vacant position. And don't forget--there's still that whole defensive coordinator thing after that!

A season of highs and lows, but mostly woes

The Bears were 9-7 in 2008, one win away from a playoff spot. In the offseason they added Jay Cutler, meaning an 10- or 11-win season was pretty much a foregone conclusion.

A 3-1 start that included a win over Pittsburgh and a win at Seattle reaffirmed the high hopes of Bears fans. But then, the proverbial wheels fell off. Any sincere belief that the Bears might make the postseason went out the window with a 41-21 home thrashing at the hands of the Cardinals, and, amazingly, the Bears found a way to go downhill from there.

Wins over the Vikings and Lions turned what could have been a laughable record into a 7-9 finish and another season without a playoff appearance, their third straight since the Super Bowl season.

Here's a look back at what went right and wrong:

OFFENSE

Best thing: Development of the wide receivers

When the season began, the Bears' receiving corps was a gang of nobodies. Devin Hester was still transitioning from punt/kick returner to receiver, Earl Bennett had caught (hold on, let me count: 1, 2, 3 ...) ZERO passes in the NFL, Johnny Knox was a rookie, and Devin Aromashodu was an afterthought.

And while this part of the offense still needs a lot of work (and one or two upgrades), the receivers were more consistent than I would have expected. Hester and Bennett both eclipsed the 700-yard mark, Knox is about as quick as they come, and Aromashodu came on late out of nowhere.

But while the Bears have many needs to address this offseason, adding a big-time receiver is definitely one of them. After all, none of the Bears' receivers cracked the top 45 in receiving yards, and no Bears receiver could muster even half the receiving yards of the NFL's leading receiver, Andre Johnson.

Worst thing: Offensive line

Cutler was sacked 35 times on the season, third-most in the league. Orlando Pace sucked, Olin Kreutz is getting old, and the rest of the line routinely invited defenders into the pocket for a nice little snack--er, sack. For all the attention given to the skill players in football, it's amazing how many wins and losses come down to the front lines. And the Bears simply didn't have an offensive line that could open holes for the running game, protect Cutler, and enable the Bears to win consistently.

Dishonorable mentions: Jay Cutler's interceptions, Matt Forte's dropoff, Greg Olsen's disappointing year

DEFENSE

Best thing: Lance Briggs

His 118 tackles were good for 15th in the league. He didn't get a ton of credit because the "D" was so bad overall, but he had a solid season.

Honorable mentions: Experience for guys like Nick Roach and Jamar Williams, Zack Bowman's six picks

Worst thing: Rush defense

Are you kidding me? 23rd in rush yards allowed? 126 yards per game? Remember when the Bears would shut down the run? When they were tough, and mean, and would hit you in the mouth if you tried to run up the middle? If you do remember that, your memory goes back at least a year. Because this season, teams ran at will against this front seven.

Dishonorable mentions: Turnover differential (-8), Pass rush

SPECIAL TEAMS

Best thing: Brad Maynard

He averaged 41.4 yards per punt, fourth in the NFL. Strangely, some of the best punters were on the worst teams, including Buffalo's Brian Moorman, Cleveland's Dave Zastudil, and Oakland's Shane Lechler, who broke his own single-season net punting average record.

Honorable mentions: Robbie Gould, Knox's kick return average (2nd in NFL)

Worst thing: Devin Hester's punt returns

Though Hester had a decent year as a receiver, the coaching staff is not yet off the hook for asking him to no longer focus on a task that he could do better than anyone else in the league at one point. He averaged only 7.8 yards per punt return in '09, just above Bobby Wade of the Chiefs and just below Chris Carr of the Ravens. Yeah, exactly.

Dishonorable mention: Kick coverage

OVERALL SEASON

Best thing: Cutler's strong finish

The Bears have a lot of holes to fill and a lot of problems. And while Cutler's interceptions (he led the league) and inconsistency are on the list of problems, there's no doubt that he is the centerpiece of the Bears' future, both because of his potential and because of the contract extension he signed during the season.

You can blame the line, you can blame the receivers, and rightly so. But Cutler deserves part of the blame as well. For much of the season, he played--simply put--badly. I would have to imagine that even he would admit as much.

That he was able to finish the season with two nearly identical--and solid--performances should bode well for his confidence heading into 2010. He needs to Matrix the memory of 2009 from his brain and hopefully be left only with the taste of those final two games. For the Bears to be successful next season, they'll need a better Jay Cutler.

Worst thing: The win over the Vikings

Hey, don't get me wrong. While in the broad sense the win meant nothing, it may have been the victory I enjoyed most all season. But 6-10 sounds a lot worse than 7-9, and that slight difference in record may have changed Angelo's answer to the question, "Should he stay or should he go?" Lovie will be back next year, though several of their coaches were axed and Lovie will no longer serve as defensive coordinator. Ron Turner got the boot as well.

With Bill Cowher seemingly out there for the taking, it disappoints me that an overtime win against the Vikings might have saved Lovie's job. Cowher was reportedly interested in coaching the Bears, but was then linked to a few other teams. But Black Monday turned into Light Gray Monday, with only the Redskins' Jim Zorn getting fired. With no job opening in Carolina, Tampa, or almost anywhere else at the moment, Cowher may not coach in 2010 after all (though some reports say he could be lured to Buffalo).

Perhaps Cowher will do TV for another year and the Bears will have another crack at him. But as far as I'm concerned, it's unfortunate that Angelo and Lovie will be calling the shots again next year, perhaps in large part because of a meaningless (though exciting) win.

Back to your regularly scheduled blowout

Week 15: Ravens 31, Bears 7


Did you happen to see the Panthers dominate the Vikings on Sunday night? Or the Raiders put together a last-minute drive to beat the Broncos in Denver? Or Tampa Bay getting their second win by pasting the Seahawks? Did you see the Lions put up a helluva fight against the Cardinals?

I just wanted to make sure you were aware that sometimes even bad teams can beat good ones. Any given Sunday, and all that. You show up, you play hard, and you never know.

Unfortunately, the Bears know how to show up, but they can't seem to figure out the whole "play hard" thing. Which means we Bears fans always know that a loss is on the horizon when the Ravens or the Bengals or the Cardinals are on the same field.

The team had to battle a blizzard just to get to Baltimore. Turns out they should have called Roger Goodell and asked for a snow day. After all, I'm pretty sure Jay Cutler has two eyes made out of coal after watching him throw three more interceptions. When Cutler scrambled for 13 yards and a first down early in the second quarter, I thought, "Oh, I get it now! Cutler should have been a running back!" How did it take us all so long to see it? He can't throw for s**t, but the man can run!

Despite committing to the air attack because they were trailing the entire game, Cutler failed to throw for 100 yards. And keep in mind that the measly seven points they put on the board were the result of Earl Bennett's punt return, not the offense.

Cutler wasn't the only one to blame. I can't help but think that the rest of the players have twigs for hands, because they put the ball on the turf twice. That's six turnovers in all, folks! On the bright side, Cutler's QB rating was higher than the number of turnovers the Bears had (but only by 1.9).

I must say, the Bears have this "turnover" thing down pat. Hopefully that will bode well as the McCaskeys consider the massive turnover that needs to take place in the upper ranks of the organization. Lovie must feel like his nuts are roasting on an open fire after Jerry Angelo said Sunday that he doesn't "look at money in those times," referring to the $11 million that would be owed Lovie if he were shown the door. "It's not about money. It's about doing what we need to do to be a good football team."

One can only hope the McCaskeys take Angelo's words to heart, and that they see Angelo as part of the problem as well. And, of course, Ron Turner needs to go, too, if for no other reason than because he called some sort of fade-like pass to Greg Olsen on fourth-and-goal from the two.

For Christmas, I would have taken some glimmer of hope that the Bears could at some point step up, play a solid game, and play with one of the better teams in the league. Not even that they would actually do it, just the ability to hope that they would. But since that's not going to happen, I'll settle for the second thing on my list: on Lovie, on Dasher, on Dancer and Prancer; on Ronnie (Turner), on Vixen, on Comet and Cupid; on Jerry (Angelo), on Donner, on Blitzen and Rudolph! And don't come back!

Send 'em packing

Week 14: Packers 21, Bears 14

Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

In many respects, the Bears and Packers played very similarly on Sunday. Sixteen first downs for Green Bay, fourteen for the Bears. Third down conversions? Both teams were 5-for-13. The Packers ran just one more play than the Bears. They both had two turnovers. Etc.

But in the end, the Packers showed why they're a team that wins, and the Bears showed why they're a team that loses.

Ahead by a point in the final quarter, Jay Cutler busted out the cutlery we're all so familiar with, slicing and dicing the Bears' chances of winning by throwing a pick on the left sideline. The turnover shifted the momentum as well as the lead as it led to a Packers touchdown and two-point conversion.

But there were still over 12 minutes on the clock. Plenty of time. The Bears got a first down thanks to a Green Bay penalty, but could make nothing of it. And then a "hold," as Mason Crosby missed a makeable field goal. Bears got it back, but a 15-yard facemask penalty on offense stopped that drive almost before it started. Bears eventually got the ball back again. And then on 4th-and-4, a false start on Olin Kreutz. Kreutz was on the receiving end of some s**t-talking in the week leading up to the game, and his penalty was just the icing on the Bears' giant penalty cake, a dessert which they ate with great rapaciousness all game long.

In all, the Bears were flagged for 13 penalties totaling 109 yards. 109 yards! They ran for 59 yards and were penalized for 109. These guys are as disciplined as Tiger Woods in a champagne room.

What's frustrating is that the Bears actually had a chance to win this one. When's the last time they had momentum in the fourth quarter against a quality team? They had a golden opportunity to take down their rival and put a dent in their playoff hopes.

But the penalties just killed them. And they have all season. This is one reason the organization has to think seriously about going in a new direction with their head coach.

But here's the biggest reason: some coaches are under fire despite having had little time to implement their system (e.g. Eric Mangini and Raheem Morris). Other coaches are on the hot seat because of a quick and unexpected dropoff (e.g. John Fox and Jeff Fisher). But Lovie doesn't fit in either of these camps. Rather, Lovie has been around since 2004, has had time to implement his system, and has seen a carousel of coaches roam the sideline with him. And yet, the Bears are consistently getting worse. They've followed up their Super Bowl season with a 7-9 campaign, then a 9-7 one, and now they'll be 8-8 at best, but likely 6-10. This will be the third straight year the Bears have missed the playoffs. Lovie is fond of saying that the Bears "get off the bus running." Right now, the bus he's driving is going downhill fast, and the brakes are out.

Having said that, I also think Lovie is working with limited talent. GM Jerry Angelo's draft picks have been horrendous, and I believe he needs to go as well. There may not be a better example in the NFL of a team that needs to make wholesale changes. Some teams need a new guy in the front office, others need a new guy calling the shots, and still others are just a player or two away from a breakout season. The Bears, on the other hand, need to break out the vacuum and the Pledge and clean house. Their GM and coach have had years to make their mark, and the team seems to be floating out to sea ever since the Super Bowl season.

Jay OK

The Bears have a quarterback.

Just let that sink in for a moment.

The Bears.

Have.

A quarterback.

"But, doesn't every football team have a quarterback?" you might be asking. Well, in theory, yes, but the Bears have historically been quite averse to this position. If you sit down to make a Top 10 List of Bears QBs, you quickly realize that this is an oxymoron, and that you don't need that 8.5 x 11 sheet of paper you're using--a Post-It will suffice.

Okay, okay, let's be fair--the Bears had 9-time All-Pro Sid Luckman back in the 40's. He won four championships and is a Hall of Famer, but this was before the Super Bowl even existed and also before color television.

"But we had Jim McMahon! Super Bowl champion Jim McMahon!" No. He does not count. In the '85-'86 Super Bowl season, McMahon threw 15 TD and 11 Int, and totaled just 2,392 yards (20 more than Kyle Orton last year). He got the job done, but it was the Bears defense that had the team doing the Super Bowl Shuffle.

How badly did the Bears need a quarterback? Here's where their QB rating has placed in the NFL the last six years (out of 32 teams):

2008: 26
2007: 27
2006: 25
2005: 31
2004: 32
2003: 31

So Bears GM Jerry Angelo took advantage of a situation gone awry in Denver, prying Pro Bowler Jay Cutler away from the Broncos in exchange for Kyle Orton, two first round draft picks, and a third round pick. Did they give up a lot? Yes. But they ensured they will have someone with an actual arm (with an elbow, and a wrist, and everything!) under center.

Now, Jay Cutler (the Bears quarterback!) isn't Peyton Manning or Tom Brady, but he ranked 15th last year in QB rating and 3rd in passing yards (behind Drew Brees and Kurt Warner). He threw for over 4,500 yards, is just 25 years old, and is signed for another three years. He threw for 25 TD last year, though his interceptions were a bit high (18). Orton threw for 18 and 12 last year, for comparison's sake.

After adding OT Orlando Pace as well, the Bears have a solid offensive line, a good quarterback, a good running back in Matt Forte, and suddenly look like they could have a potent offense in 2009. The receiver position is still a bit lacking (Forte led the team in receptions last year), but Cutler will make them better and Angelo is considering making an addition at that position. Devin Hester automatically becomes a more significant threat because if he breaks free on a fly pattern, Cutler just might, you know, get the ball to him.

For now, if you ask me, just be happy the Bears have a quarterback who can squeeze the ball between defenders; a quarterback who can scramble out of the pocket when pressured; a quarterback who can hit some guys downfield in stride; a quarterback who has seven game-winning drives in 37 career games.

The Bears have a quarterback.