Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Worst Beard in Sports Competition

When I recently realized that former Cubs reliever Chad Gaudin looked like this (surely a significant factor in the decision to release him), perhaps growing his chin hair out for Locks of Love despite no apparent gun being held to his head, it got me to thinking: Is this the worst beard in recent sports memory? Well, I'm gonna Fox News this one--I'll report, you decide. Also, if you read this but don't vote in the poll, I'll send my producer to stalk you and obtain your vote via an awkward interview in your front lawn or outside your car as you attempt to go to work. WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!

Rumor has it that Scott Pollard's likeness served as inspiration for the Satan character on South Park.

I once claimed that if I could get away with one murder scot-free, I would free the Cardinals of Scott Spiezio. Can you blame me? Who does he think he is? Whenever I look at him I see red. I don't mean I see the red hue of his chin's treasure trail, I mean I am filled with hatred and anger and am immediately consumed with the thought that I could die a happy man if I could just grab hold of that sickening swatch of hair, yank it off in one glorious pull and watch the Cardinal red color of his "beard" disappear, then slowly return as his red blood seeps forth. I would then hold my own version of an Indian scalp over my head in victory, knowing I was a hero to Cubs fans, a hero to everyone with facial hair standards, a ...
Whoa, what just happened? I wrote "filled with hatred and anger" and then blacked out.

Did they really need to drug test Ricky Williams to prove he had inhaled? Has any healthy, drug-free person ever donned such a shameless beard? Williams was teamless for a while, but did he have to take it one step further and make himself appear homeless?

I'm not sure what's more off-putting, the drunken, "I see a 10-year-old across the way who's lookin' pretty cute" look in his eyes, or the "I haven't slept in 72 hours and I'm pretty sure there are at least three unique species living in my beard" beard.

Why, Drew Gooden, why? Is that one chin-dread per team you've played for? Or some sort of hair abacus that allows you to count all of your points each game? This is NOT okay, Drew.

I think most people would want Johnny Damon's beard entered into a Worst Beard in Sports competition, but I like it. Full and rich, a real beard's beard. I was mad when Damon left the Sawx for the Yankees, but not because of the rivalry and the evil inherent in fleeing to the Bronx Bombers after helping Boston shatter the curse of the Bambino with a miraculous comeback in the ALCS from down 3-0 to, yes, the Yankees. No, it was because the Yankees don't allow beards. No beards, no championships. Anyone could have seen that coming.

Matt Clement always seemed like he wasn't aware of how bad his beard looked. Like he didn't own a mirror and everyone he knew had secretly agreed to compliment him on it just to see how long he would keep it.

I'll at least give Jeff Bagwell some intimidation points. He looked like a crazed lumberjack. He would step into the batter's box, crouch down real low, then stick his head out, making his beard extra prominent. Pitchers would look in for the sign and think, "How am I going to throw this slider past that beard? That beard can reach the outside corner."


  1. I totally wanted to vote for Scott Pollard; however being the Cubs fan that I am Scott Spezio's is the worst.

    Also Brandon - I think you should follow this up with a Best mustaches in spirts piece.

  2. Wow .. this was one tough poll. They are all so ugly, but as the first person said..that was the reason for my vote too.