Tuesday, September 28, 2010

NFL Visions, Part 1


The Chicago Motherf**king Bears, 3-0
After vanquishing the Packers on Monday Night Football, the Monsters of the Midway are the lone undefeated team in the NFC. They also have the second-longest winning streak in football at five games (the Steelers have won six straight). We've got a season on our hands, Bears fans. (More tomorrow.)

Pittsburgh Steelers, 3-0
Um, wasn't there some type of "Our quarterback might have raped a girl/The face of our franchise is a monster/Ohmygod we're starting Charlie Batch???!!" situation going on here? No? Nothing like that? I could have sworn there was something like that.

Somehow Dennis Dixon and Charlie Batch have the Steelers at 3-0 with Ben Roethlisberger coming back after one more game (a tough one against Baltimore). At worst, they'll be 3-1 and tied atop the division when he returns. Their defense is for reals, yo.

Kansas City Chiefs, 3-0
It's one thing to be 3-0 when you haven't won more than four games total since 2006. And it's one thing to trounce the Niners 31-10 in what was supposed to be a close game. And it's one more thing to have two running backs with over 200 yards rushing when, say, the Panthers don't have any.

But what's really interesting is that the Chiefs are in first place in the piece of s**t AFC West BY TWO GAMES. They're pretty fun to watch with rookies Javier Arenas and Dexter McCluster returning punts and kicks, and with youngster Jamaal Charles averaging seven yards per carry.

Back-up quarterbacks
Not that they're necessarily playing well, but they are playing:

-Seneca Wallace filled in for Jake Delhomme in Cleveland's last two games
-Jimmy Claussen is in for Matt Moore
-Michael Vick has usurped Kevin Kolb
-In Buffalo, Ryan Fitzpatrick is in and Trent Edwards is out
-Matthew Stafford is still hurt for Detroit, opening the door for Shaun Hill
-Tom Cable already pulled the plug on Jason Campbell, inserting Bruce Gradkowski
-Derek Anderson took over for Matt Leinart before the season even started

Atlanta Falcons, 2-1
They couldn't move the ball at all against the Steelers in Week 1, but they didn't give up a touchdown until overtime. They then went on to crush the Cardinals and beat the Saints in a thriller on Sunday in New Orleans. Plus, the NFC South has never had a repeat division winner, so they've got history on their side as they attempt to dethrone the Saints.


Minnesota Vikings, 1-2
They beat the Lions to keep their season alive, but c'mon, the Lions have lost 400 straight road games (actually 22, and they're chasing their own franchise record of 24. I believe in you, Lions. You can do this.). Brett Favre went undrafted in my fantasy football league because he's inherently evil, but no one's really missing out: Favre's QB rating is 30th in the NFL, and he's already thrown six picks and fumbled once; he had seven interceptions and two fumbles all of last season. Maybe this is where his downfall began (or not, but it's really fun to watch):

New York Giants, 1-2
Their win over Carolina looks less and less meaningful with each steaming pile of poop the Panthers leave on the field, and they were outscored 67-24 by the Colts and Titans. Maybe the Bears can help clear up their outlook by pasting them this Sunday night.

Being able to watch games on TV
We've already had four blackouts. And by "we," I mean the three remaining Raiders fans, stupid Chargers fans who apparently refuse to go to their games, and people in Tampa Bay who are probably not aware that they have a local NFL team. The Bucs have been blacked out for two home games while San Diego and Oakland have each been blacked out once. Twenty-two games were blacked out last season.

Short field goal attempts to win games
Man, I would hate to be a kicker. I mean, it's the only position I could possibly even attempt in the NFL because it wouldn't require me to die at the hands of a large, angry man, and I'd make lots of money just for kicking a football. But I'm saying if I were actually talented and could have an NFL career, it would kind of suck to be a kicker. You made it? Good job, pat on the back. You missed it? You f**king MISSED it? Are you KIDDING me? All that work we did and we lose the game because you're a pansy-ass kicker and you're unable to kick a football through the damn uprights? I hate you, kicker! We all hate you! You're not even a real part of this team!

So anways, Garrett Hartley missed a 29-yarder in overtime against the Falcons and Sebastian Janikowski missed a 32-yarder as time expired. Both of them would have won their respective games. Do you think they had to lay down in their respective locker rooms after the games and let their teammates kick them as a way of meting out justice for their unforgivable mistakes? I like to think so.

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