Thursday, September 30, 2010

NFL Visions, Part 2


Houston Texans, 2-1
Don't get me wrong--they deserve credit for finally beating the Colts and looking like they have the talent to be a serious contender in the AFC. But that pass defense ... They've already allowed over 1,100 yards passing, second-most of any team through three games since 1950. If they let guys make any more successful passes, they'd be Kim Kardashian (Oooh, burned! Actually, I barely even know who she is. Would we say this joke is accurate? Is Kim Kardashian a slut?). Yes, it was impressive that they came from 17 points down to beat the Redskins in Week 2, but it's kind of a problem that they were down by 17 in the first place. This is a good team, but it was a bit premature to anoint them the best team in the AFC (as ESPN's power rankings did after Week 2).

Dallas Cowboys, 1-2
This feels like the definition of blurry to me. We all know they have tons of talent (Romo,
Marion Barber, Miles Austin, Jason Witten, DeMarcus Ware, Dez Bryant, et al) and they're one holding penalty away from being 2-1. But they are in fact 1-2 and lost to the Bears at home as well as to a Redskins team who turned around and lost to the Rams (a game that turned my fantasy week into a nightmare). Just as it's hard to really pin down how good Romo is, it's tough to know for sure whether the Cowboys are a contender or a pretender.

Seattle Seahawks, 2-1
Murdered the 49ers, got owned by the Broncos and then beat the Chargers. 2-0 at home but 0-1 on the road. They did have two kick returns for touchdowns against the Chargers, a feat they're unlikely to repeat, so that takes a little something away from Sunday's win in my opinion. I still lean toward them being an average team, but suddenly Pete Carroll and his crazy, unimpeded optimism are tied at the top of the NFC West, three full games ahead of the Niners.


San Francisco 49ers, 0-3
Hey, we were just talking about them, what great timing! Did you just hear that series of thuds? Don't worry, that was just the sound of thousands of people jumping out of the 49ers bandwagon as if it was on fire. Speaking of fire, they fired offensive coordinator Jimmy Raye after scoring just 38 points in their first three games. They're the only team in the pathetic, pathetic NFC West without a win, meaning they're looking up at the Cardinals, Seahawks and Rams. Looking up at a seahawk or cardinal isn't so bad, but have you ever looked up at a ram? I've learned a few important lessons in my life, and one of them is that you don't want to be looking up at a ram.

Buffalo Bills, 0-3
They've already changed quarterbacks, every fantasy football player who was drooling over C.J. Spiller is livid, and they've kindly allowed the most points in the NFL (tied with the Niners).

Cleveland Browns and Carolina Panthers, both 0-3
There are too many terrible teams and I lack the mental energy to make fun of them all separately, so I'm combining these two. I'll just say that the Browns are awaiting the return of a starting quarterback who is clearly colorblind while the Panthers suddenly have a nonexistent running game and Jimmy Claussen at QB. These teams are bad at football.

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