Monday, October 11, 2010

If I had it my way, Burger King would change their goddamn slogan already

*This post has nothing to do with sports. Weird.

I hate Burger King's slogan: Have It Your Way. It doesn't mean anything. It's asinine. You know where I can have it my way? At every fucking restaurant in America.

Really, Burger King? You'll refrain from putting pickles on my Whopper if I kindly explain to you that this is the way I prefer my burgers? What a refreshing change from those Nazi bastards over at McDonald's. The other day I ordered a Big Mac with no pickles and you know what they did? The employee stepped away from the register, walked to the back, grabbed a handful of pickles, returned to the counter and SHOT ME IN THE KNEECAP. That bitch shot me in the kneecap just because I didn't want any pickles.

But thank God for you, Burger King. You, and only you, care about my needs, my subjective fast food tastes. I was in a Burger King last week and they had a "Have It Your Way" sign that explained that I could take one napkin or two, whichever I wanted, because at Burger King I get to have it my way. You'd really do that? For me?

Me: "Ma'am, is it okay if I grab a napkin from this napkin dispenser?"

BK employee: "Of course."

/takes one

Me, hesitant: "Um, ma'am? What if I wanted to take a second napkin?"

BK employee: "Sure."

/looks around nervously, then grabs one quickly

Me, thinking: This is insane. It's almost like that woman doesn't care how many napkins I take. She didn't care if I took one and now she seems indifferent to the idea of me taking two. Could I take a third? No, no. Don't push it.

I truly don't understand where they're coming from with this. I can get burgers with or without cheese? I can get a small or a large fry? NO FUCKING SHIT. Now, if they want to step this up a notch and really let me have it my way, I could get on board. Can I get my burger inside out with two patties sandwiching a bun? Can I get free refills ... of my fries? "Can I get my Whopper with exactly one onion and a third of a tomato slice, and then the whole thing cut into quarters and then can you refer to my meal as a #6 when you place it on the counter even though it's a #1?" "But why, sir?" "BECAUSE THAT'S MY WAY. That's how I do things. Your sign says I can have it my way and I'll be damned if I'm going to be served a Whopper that isn't cut into quarters."

But what really pisses me off is that this slogan goes all the way back to 1974. They dropped it for about 30 years in between, but they went back to it in 2005. Someone at Burger King came to their senses back in the '70s and said, "Hey, you know what I just realized? This slogan doesn't make any sense. We might as well be saying 'Burger King: We're a restaurant.'" But 30 years later, some asshole dug it out of the slogan landfill where it had been appropriately buried and now it's still here in 2010. Unbelievable.

Also, their fries suck.

The end.


  1. I think the most amazing thing about your hatred of this slogan is the fact that you took the time to look up its origin.

  2. Their fries DO suck!