Week 9: A win is a win is a win

Bears 22, Bills 19

The final result of a football game doesn't always tell the whole story. After all, the Bills went to overtime against the Ravens and Chiefs in their last two games. They fought hard, showed grit. Sports radio callers probably had a few positive things to say after each loss.

But ultimately, football--and every other sport, for that matter--is about winning. Grit also had the Bills up 19-14 in the fourth quarter Sunday, but through nine weeks it's gotten them to an 0-8 record. No wins. Zero. And that's all that matters in the end.

On the other hand, an appropriate simile for the Bears' performance on Sunday would not be, say, that it looked like a beautiful work by Picasso, or that it was exquisite like a delicious meal at a fine steakhouse. But the Bears did just enough to win. It wasn't exactly a game you want to keep on your TiVo and re-watch later in the week, but they put up a "W" and that's the bottom line. Knowing they won by three doesn't tell you the whole story, but it does tell you all you really need to know--that the story has a happy ending.

Cutler at least had moments in which he looked like a decent quarterback. He was able to evade the pass rush a number of times, and in fact was sacked just once. He also used his feet to gain yardage, running for three different first downs after the pocket collapsed. Overall, he was a modest 17-for-30 for 188 yards and two TDs, further decreasing the Bears' rather paltry average of 202 passing yards per game. But the most important number on his line is the zero below the letters "I-N-T." He did fumble once, but at least he never gave Buffalo the ball through the air.

Ryan Fitzpatrick threw two picks, including one to seal the game, but carved up the Bears secondary for much of the game. He's been doing that to a lot of teams ever since he replaced Trent Edwards in Week 3. Against the Bears, he finished one yard shy of 300 on 51 pass attempts.

It's great that we can be happy about the Bears' fifth win of the season, because otherwise we could complain about the fact that they rushed for just over half the yardage Buffalo gives up on average, and the fact that they couldn't get just one tiny yard late in the fourth when it mattered most. Nope, don't have to complain about those things.

The Packers pasted the Cowboys, not surprisingly, keeping them atop the NFC North by a half-game over the Bears. Though when it comes to that game, I think everyone in America lost--the Packers have found a way to make it excusable for their fans to yell "COOOON" (their running back is named Kuhn) at the top of their lungs throughout the game. I hope you're proud of yourselves, Packers fans.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, a 307-pound man missing an extra point. Narrated by Gus Johnson.

Bears will try to keep Bills from getting their first win

I'm scared. So scared.

I'm scared because the Bears are playing the only remaining winless team in the NFL ... and I can't say I'm 100 percent sure they're going to win. The Bills took the Chiefs to overtime last week and the Ravens to OT the week before that. They put a scare into New England on the road and lost to Miami by five.

Meanwhile, the Bears offense has been in a downward spiral ever since Week 3. Plus, the Bills' most glaring weakness--their run defense--matches up with the Bears' biggest weakness--their ability to run the ball--so we'll have to wait and see if the Bears can take advantage in that area.

It goes without saying that this is a must-win. The Bears' schedule is backloaded worse than a Jim Hendry contract offer. This is one of the few "definitely could win it" games left on the schedule, and Lovie's squad absolutely has to leave Toronto at 5-3, or they can forget aboot the playoffs.

KEYS TO THE GAME

Commit to running the ball. Seriously. It's not even a question. The Bills give up 188 rushing yards per game. Next-worst in the league is Denver ... at 154. It's comical how bad the Bills' run defense is. If Martz puts the ball in Cutler's hands the entire game, he should be fired.

Don't let QB Fitzpatrick beat you with his feet. Despite not starting the first two games of the season, Fitzpatrick has the third-most rushing yards among quarterbacks. He doesn't quite require a QB spy, but the defense needs to keep containment on him whenever a play breaks down.

Maybe Cutler actually has a chance. Why do I say that? Because the Bills have just one interception all season. One. Every other team has at least four. Please, Jay, please keep this trend alive.

NFL Visions, Part 2

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

San Diego Chargers, 2-4
They really belong in the "down" category, but they're fortunate to be in a s**t division. And this team does have talent, right? How do they keep losing? I don't understand what's going on. That's why they're "blurry"--this team confuses the hell out of me. Is this just their typical slow start before a dominant second half? Or is this team just strangely sucky? If you're inclined to think they're just biding their time as usual, they better be done biding real soon: they face the Patriots, Titans and Texans in their next three.

Minnesota Vikings, 2-3
Lucky bastards got a win in the Craptastic Bowl, which keeps them alive. For now. And in a season where the whole NFC seems sort of poopy, the Vikings are unfortunately not out of it yet if they were to get their s**t together. I hope that does not happen.

Seattle Seahawks, 3-2

I really don't want to talk much about them because I currently hate them and their Bears-beating ways.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

Dallas Cowboys, 1-4
Compared to the Bills and the Panthers of the world, they're not actually hideous. But when AMERICA'S TEAM, a team with JERRY JONES as its owner, playing in a season in which THE FREAKIN' SUPER BOWL IS IN DALLAS, is 1-4, you're gonna have some problems. Plus, they're stuck in what seems to be the NFC's only good division. Don't be surprised if some actual, real-life cowboy down in Texas lassoes Tony Romo's ass as he's walking down the street. The Rangers are better than the Cowboys. I repeat, the Rangers are better than the Cowboys. Texans are not going to stand for that, y'all.

AFC West

The whole damn lot of 'em lost last week. All of 'em. And only one of them won the week before, and that's only because the Raiders and Chargers played each other.

The Chiefs are back to Earth after an unexpected 3-0 start. The Chargers continue to suffer head-scratching losses. The Broncos are nothing special. And the Raiders ... well, they're the Raiders.

But here's the real stat you need to know. This is the good stuff. I'm hookin' you up here. Combined, AFC West teams have fewer wins than the NFC West. That's right. The laughable, awful, amateur NFC West has one more win than the AFC West, and the AFC West has actually played one more game!

I'm sort of starting to hate this division. I was already a bit anti-Denver cuz of Orton. San Diego is always a confusing team and ultimately a tease even when they're good. Kansas City has been terrible for years, though I could get behind them this year if it turns out their 3-0 start wasn't a complete mirage. And unless you were born and raised inside the Oakland Coliseum--I mean if you literally spent at least 10 years of your life inside the stadium and were raised by the guy pictured to the right--then you can't like the Raiders. You just can't.

Buffalo Bills, 0-5

Let's see. This week they head to Baltimore. Loss. Then they go to Kansas City, who may not be for real but Arrowhead is a tough place to play. Loss. Then they get the Bears in Toronto after the Bears' bye week. Loss. Then they get the Lions at home. Lo--. Wait, what? The Lions at home? I think the Lions can definitely take down the Bills, but we have to declare this the first potentially winnable game for the Bills. In Week 10. Ouch.

Carolina Panthers, 0-5

They get San Fran, St. Louis and Tampa Bay three of the next four weeks, so they might just snag a win or two in the next month here. Or maybe not. Because they're now going back to Matt Moore, and Steve Smith is still injured.

My fantasy team
Holy Lord. I was under the impression when I joined a fantasy football league that you're supposed to win sometimes and lose sometimes. You know, you win some you lose some. But I'm the 2008 Lions and 1976 Buccaneers rolled up into one. I'm 0-6. I'm the only winless team in the league. I've scored an atrociously small number of points, though I do have two more than Trevor. Luckily, I've already traded a few of my players for draft picks and "keepers" for next year. But nevertheless, my fantasy team is hideous.

NFL Visions, Part 2

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

Houston Texans, 2-1

Don't get me wrong--they deserve credit for finally beating the Colts and looking like they have the talent to be a serious contender in the AFC. But that pass defense ... They've already allowed over 1,100 yards passing, second-most of any team through three games since 1950. If they let guys make any more successful passes, they'd be Kim Kardashian (Oooh, burned! Actually, I barely even know who she is. Would we say this joke is accurate? Is Kim Kardashian a slut?). Yes, it was impressive that they came from 17 points down to beat the Redskins in Week 2, but it's kind of a problem that they were down by 17 in the first place. This is a good team, but it was a bit premature to anoint them the best team in the AFC (as ESPN's power rankings did after Week 2).

Dallas Cowboys, 1-2

This feels like the definition of blurry to me. We all know they have tons of talent (Romo,

Marion Barber, Miles Austin, Jason Witten, DeMarcus Ware, Dez Bryant, et al) and they're one holding penalty away from being 2-1. But they are in fact 1-2 and lost to the Bears at home as well as to a Redskins team who turned around and lost to the Rams (a game that turned my fantasy week into a nightmare). Just as it's hard to really pin down how good Romo is, it's tough to know for sure whether the Cowboys are a contender or a pretender.

Seattle Seahawks, 2-1

Murdered the 49ers, got owned by the Broncos and then beat the Chargers. 2-0 at home but 0-1 on the road. They did have two kick returns for touchdowns against the Chargers, a feat they're unlikely to repeat, so that takes a little something away from Sunday's win in my opinion. I still lean toward them being an average team, but suddenly Pete Carroll and his crazy, unimpeded optimism are tied at the top of the NFC West, three full games ahead of the Niners.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

San Francisco 49ers, 0-3

Hey, we were just talking about them, what great timing! Did you just hear that series of thuds? Don't worry, that was just the sound of thousands of people jumping out of the 49ers bandwagon as if it was on fire. Speaking of fire, they fired offensive coordinator Jimmy Raye after scoring just 38 points in their first three games. They're the only team in the pathetic, pathetic NFC West without a win, meaning they're looking up at the Cardinals, Seahawks and Rams. Looking up at a seahawk or cardinal isn't so bad, but have you ever looked up at a ram? I've learned a few important lessons in my life, and one of them is that you don't want to be looking up at a ram.

Buffalo Bills, 0-3

They've already changed quarterbacks, every fantasy football player who was drooling over C.J. Spiller is livid, and they've kindly allowed the most points in the NFL (tied with the Niners).

Cleveland Browns and Carolina Panthers, both 0-3

There are too many terrible teams and I lack the mental energy to make fun of them all separately, so I'm combining these two. I'll just say that the Browns are awaiting the return of a starting quarterback who is clearly colorblind while the Panthers suddenly have a nonexistent running game and Jimmy Claussen at QB. These teams are bad at football.

The coaching carousel is now open

Coaches often get too much blame when their teams struggle, but now it's gone too far. I mean, if Dick Jauron can get fired, is no one safe? Is nothing sacred? What has he ever done to deserve the axe?

What's that? He had just one winning season in nine tries? He made it to just one playoff game and his team got crushed? He was just 60-82 in his coaching career?

Oh. I see.

By all accounts, Jauron is a great guy. But I don't think we'll see him roaming the sidelines as an NFL head coach ever again.

A win for stats other than the "win"


Kudos to the Baseball Writers Association of America for finally scrolling past the "Wins" category on their computers as they cast their ballots for the AL Cy Young Award.

Wins and losses are the most overrated statistics in baseball, so I was glad to see Zack Greinke earn the award despite having 16 wins, which tied him for the seventh-most in the league. It's hard to pile up victories when you play for the Royals (their .401 winning percentage was easily the worst ever by an AL team with a Cy Young winner), and there's nothing he could do about that. But what he could do was mow down opposing hitters, and that he did consistently.

According to ESPN, his 2.16 ERA was the lowest in the AL since Pedro Martinez in 2000, his 242 strikeouts ranked second behind Justin Verlander (who finished third in the Cy Young voting), and he allowed just 11 home runs all year.

But here's the biggest reason his win total was rightfully overlooked:

Kansas City, which tied for last place in the AL Central at 65-97, scored just 13 runs in his eight losses and 21 runs in his nine no-decisions. He failed to get a victory in six starts in which he allowed one run or none.

Sure, every pitcher gets screwed now and then. It's part of the game. But those numbers are just stupid.

And not that this is why he deserved to win, but it's a great story as well. Greinke led the AL in losses in 2005 and quit baseball for six weeks in 2006 after being diagnosed with a social anxiety disorder (the Sports Illustrated article from May of this year is definitely worth a read). For him to come back and have such a dominant year with such a terrible team is pretty impressive.

There have been years in which the BBWAA has cared about nothing but "W"s. But this year, the writers did their job and did it well.

On the other hand ...

How the hell did Bud Black get two votes for NL Manager of the Year? Jim Tracy of the Rockies rightfully won the award in a landslide, but did you see that Padres manager Bud Black was listed in the "others receiving votes" category? What the f**k? I could see him getting one vote. You know, some guy or gal clicking the wrong button by accident (assuming you vote for Manager of the Year by clicking a button). But two??

The Padres finished 75-87, 20 games out of first, 11th in the NL in wins, and they scored 131 fewer runs than their opponents, third worst in the league. How on Earth do you read all that and think, "Bud Black really came into his own this year. Really got his guys to believe in themselves. No better skipper out there than Bud Black if you ask me. To take a rag tag bunch like that and take 'em right to the precipice of greatness, just 13 games out of third place in their division ... I don't know how he does it."

Baseball Writers of America, you did a good job. But the two of you, whoever you are, you did a bad thing. BAD two Baseball Writers of America!

Taking a spin around the world of sports

A-Rod out 6-9 weeks after opting for hip surgery

This begs the question: What has been A-Rod's worst experience this offseason?

• Divorcing his wife after a reported romance with 50-year-old Madonna (this technically took place during the '08 season, but I'm counting it anyways)
  
• Getting tossed to the scrapheap by a 50-year-old
• Being labeled "A-Fraud" in Joe Torre's book
• Being linked to steroids by Sports Illustrated
• Having to admit to steroid use in a press conference
• Having surgery to repair torn right hip labrum

Ouch. A-Rod has had a worse winter than the Dow Jones. A marriage shattered, a love unrequited, a friendship torn asunder, a reputation shredded, a painful admission, and a serious medical procedure. "Are you sure it's my hip that needs to be repaired, Doc? Because it hurts right here (points to heart). It hurts ... (lip quivering) ... right here (single tear)."

No tears need to be shed when it comes to the Yankees chances, however. Going A-Rod-less for the first month or so may cost them a few games, but it seems like the Damn Yankees can do pretty much whatever they want in April and May and still flip a switch for the stretch run (they were 14-16 and 10-14 on May 1 the last two seasons). In fairness, they did miss the playoffs last year, which was totally sweet, but they won 89 games. And with a $209 million payroll, I wouldn't worry too much about their chances of competing this season.

T.O. released by Cowboys, signs with Bills

The 'Boys were no longer willing to throw the paper at Terrell Owens, but Buffalo was happy to throw some bills his way. For the first time in his career, Owens will play in the AFC.

Owens is a player with big-time talent and an even bigger ego (think: running to the star in the middle of Cowboys Stadium after scoring a touchdown with the 'Niners). If he could just shut his mouth every once in a while and be a team player, he wouldn't bounce around the league like a pinball.

Yes, he still gets the job done on the field, but there's no doubt his attitude has a negative impact on his teammates. Jerry Jones wants to win, and he wants to win bad. There's no way he releases a top five wide receiver from a team that hasn't won a playoff game since 1996 unless his 'tude is more toxic than a Britney Spears single.

How many rings does T.O. have (I'll give you a hint: it's equal to the number of games the Lions won last year)? Granted, that's partly due to Tony Romo's tendency to go into hibernation every winter, and also to the fact that the Eagles were run over by the Tom Brady Train in Super Bowl XXXIX.

But the fact is: chemistry matters in sports, and it REALLY matters in football. A QB has about four seconds to drop back, make his reads and decide whom to throw to. Having a little T.O. voice in the back of your head saying "Throw to me even if I'm not open or I'll chew you out on the sideline or in the media" doesn't help.

Owens is getting up there in age--he's 35 now. It's time for him to wisen up and stop bringing his teams down. He's got so much ability, and it's time for him to take full advantage of it. The Bills are counting on it, especially in an improved AFC East where they'll get no mercy from the Patriots and Dolphins.

Big East tournament tips off with two upsets

If Georgetown had any remaining hope of making the NCAA tournament, it was crushed today with a 64-59 loss to St. John's.

Selection committee: Who wants to be an NIT team?
Georgetown: I do! I do!

In other action, DePaul smacked Cincinnati in the head with a giant bag of "What the f*** just happened?" The Bearcats had some quality wins this year, beating Georgetown twice and taking down both Notre Dame and West Virginia. They were seeded 9th in the Big East tournament.

But even if they had been seeded 90th, they still should have beaten DePaul. Apparently the Blue Demons were just biding their time, going winless in conference play to assure themselves a 16 seed so they could sneak up all cat-like and take someone out before they knew what hit 'em.

DePaul will now take on Providence, which, along with being a college in Rhode Island, is also defined as "God, esp. when conceived as omnisciently directing the universe and the affairs of humankind with wise benevolence." If there is a God, s/he will surely end this charade here and now before DePaul gets any ideas about being a real basketball team. However, if this God has a sense of humor, s/he will surely direct DePaul to a Big East Conference tournament championship, because that would be hilarious. And it would be a downright knee-slapper to see DePaul take on an Oklahoma or North Carolina in the first round of the NCAA tournament.