NFL Visions, Part 2

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

Houston Texans, 2-1

Don't get me wrong--they deserve credit for finally beating the Colts and looking like they have the talent to be a serious contender in the AFC. But that pass defense ... They've already allowed over 1,100 yards passing, second-most of any team through three games since 1950. If they let guys make any more successful passes, they'd be Kim Kardashian (Oooh, burned! Actually, I barely even know who she is. Would we say this joke is accurate? Is Kim Kardashian a slut?). Yes, it was impressive that they came from 17 points down to beat the Redskins in Week 2, but it's kind of a problem that they were down by 17 in the first place. This is a good team, but it was a bit premature to anoint them the best team in the AFC (as ESPN's power rankings did after Week 2).

Dallas Cowboys, 1-2

This feels like the definition of blurry to me. We all know they have tons of talent (Romo,

Marion Barber, Miles Austin, Jason Witten, DeMarcus Ware, Dez Bryant, et al) and they're one holding penalty away from being 2-1. But they are in fact 1-2 and lost to the Bears at home as well as to a Redskins team who turned around and lost to the Rams (a game that turned my fantasy week into a nightmare). Just as it's hard to really pin down how good Romo is, it's tough to know for sure whether the Cowboys are a contender or a pretender.

Seattle Seahawks, 2-1

Murdered the 49ers, got owned by the Broncos and then beat the Chargers. 2-0 at home but 0-1 on the road. They did have two kick returns for touchdowns against the Chargers, a feat they're unlikely to repeat, so that takes a little something away from Sunday's win in my opinion. I still lean toward them being an average team, but suddenly Pete Carroll and his crazy, unimpeded optimism are tied at the top of the NFC West, three full games ahead of the Niners.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

San Francisco 49ers, 0-3

Hey, we were just talking about them, what great timing! Did you just hear that series of thuds? Don't worry, that was just the sound of thousands of people jumping out of the 49ers bandwagon as if it was on fire. Speaking of fire, they fired offensive coordinator Jimmy Raye after scoring just 38 points in their first three games. They're the only team in the pathetic, pathetic NFC West without a win, meaning they're looking up at the Cardinals, Seahawks and Rams. Looking up at a seahawk or cardinal isn't so bad, but have you ever looked up at a ram? I've learned a few important lessons in my life, and one of them is that you don't want to be looking up at a ram.

Buffalo Bills, 0-3

They've already changed quarterbacks, every fantasy football player who was drooling over C.J. Spiller is livid, and they've kindly allowed the most points in the NFL (tied with the Niners).

Cleveland Browns and Carolina Panthers, both 0-3

There are too many terrible teams and I lack the mental energy to make fun of them all separately, so I'm combining these two. I'll just say that the Browns are awaiting the return of a starting quarterback who is clearly colorblind while the Panthers suddenly have a nonexistent running game and Jimmy Claussen at QB. These teams are bad at football.

The good over the bad

That's what happened on Monday night--good triumphed over bad. As in, the Bears represent all that is good and right in the world, and they conquered the cheesehead-wearing symbol of evil known as the Green Bay Packers.

But also, the Bears were able to get a win on the strength of some good play despite a number of bad plays and some issues they'll need to resolve if they'd like to keep the good times rolling.

Good: The Bears continue to have the best run defense in the league. By far. They've allowed 39.7 yards/game on the ground, followed not-closely by the Texans who have allowed 54.3. Brandon Jackson, my fantasy football not-savior, had a pathetic 12 yards on 7 carries.

Bad: The Bears can't run either. They had just 14 true rushes (not counting those by Cutler and Knox) for 38 yards, and rank 28th in total rushing yards this season. I know I complained about this last year as well, and maybe I'm just stubborn. I realize teams like the Patriots and Colts aren't too concerned with their run games and they're, you know, consistently awesome teams. But I'm not ready to call Jay Cutler Tom Brady or Peyton Manning, and it seems a little early to give up on the running game entirely.

Good: Jay Cutler continues to do things that Bears quarterbacks haven't done in a long time. He scrambled three times for 37 yards and zoomed some nice passes into tight spots including a touchdown to Greg Olsen.

Bad: Prime-time jitters, perhaps? Cutler threw one interception and tried to throw three more. One was negated by a roughing the passer, one was dropped, and one was wiped out on a pass interference penalty. May I ask what the f**k Cutler was thinking when he launched the ball high into the air off his back foot to a double-covered Earl Bennett with about two minutes remaining? The Bears were already in long field goal range (at the 33), and Cutler threw what was practically a Hail Mary when all they needed was five or ten yards?

Good: Julius Peppers. He didn't even record a sack and yet the announcers suggested that he was having "the game of his life." While that's just Jon Gruden's inner crazy coming out (Peppers once had three sacks and an interception in a game, only the third player ever to do that), Peppers did indeed have a huge impact on the game. I don't know the exact stats, but he must have caused at least two false starts, drawn at least two holding penalties, and pressured Rodgers multiple times. He also blocked a field goal.

Bad: Peppers' success is all the more impressive given that the rest of the line seems to be standing still. The Bears have just two sacks on the season, both against Detroit, and no one but Peppers seems to be getting any pressure.

Good: Devin Hester! The most exciting play in football is the punt return for a touchdown, and finally, for the first time since 2007, we got to jump out of our seats as Hester found a seam and busted through it.

Good: Mike Martz and Rod Marinelli. The offense continues to do things we're not used to seeing here in Chicago, and the defense looks solid.

Bad: Lovie Smith. He's now wasted six points on the season, and explained that he'll continue to go for it at the goal line in the future. Yeah, cuz who would want to tie the game? You show 'em, Lovie!

Good: Urlacher, Briggs and Tim Jennings. Urlacher and Briggs had a team-leading nine tackles each and combined to force the key fumble late in the game. Reserve cornerback Tim Jennings replace a not-injured Zack Bowman and finished with seven tackles and recovered the aforementioned fumble. He also laid a huge hit on one of the Packers receivers.

Bad: Starters getting benched. Tommie Harris was benched before the game, and I just mentioned that Bowman was benched in the first quarter. It's not wrong of Lovie to play whomever he feels will do the best job, but it's not good if a couple of the Bears' key players suddenly can't crack the starting lineup.

Good (Packers): Aaron Rodgers. Man, that guy can sling it. Even when a Bears defender had good coverage, it was like the ball was by him before he could even think to reach for it.

Bad (Packers): Discipline, or lack thereof. Eighteen penalties, the most in franchise history. There were so many flags around Monday night it looked like a U.N. meeting (ba-dum-tssh).

NFL Visions, Part 1

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP

The Chicago Motherf**king Bears, 3-0

After vanquishing the Packers on Monday Night Football, the Monsters of the Midway are the lone undefeated team in the NFC. They also have the second-longest winning streak in football at five games (the Steelers have won six straight). We've got a season on our hands, Bears fans. (More tomorrow.)

Pittsburgh Steelers, 3-0

Um, wasn't there some type of "Our quarterback might have raped a girl/The face of our franchise is a monster/Ohmygod we're starting Charlie Batch???!!" situation going on here? No? Nothing like that? I could have sworn there was something like that.

Somehow Dennis Dixon and Charlie Batch have the Steelers at 3-0 with Ben Roethlisberger coming back after one more game (a tough one against Baltimore). At worst, they'll be 3-1 and tied atop the division when he returns. Their defense is for reals, yo.

Kansas City Chiefs, 3-0

It's one thing to be 3-0 when you haven't won more than four games total since 2006. And it's one thing to trounce the Niners 31-10 in what was supposed to be a close game. And it's one more thing to have two running backs with over 200 yards rushing when, say, the Panthers don't have any.

But what's really interesting is that the Chiefs are in first place in the piece of s**t AFC West BY TWO GAMES. They're pretty fun to watch with rookies Javier Arenas and Dexter McCluster returning punts and kicks, and with youngster Jamaal Charles averaging seven yards per carry.

Back-up quarterbacks

Not that they're necessarily playing well, but they are playing:

-Seneca Wallace filled in for Jake Delhomme in Cleveland's last two games

-Jimmy Claussen is in for Matt Moore

-Michael Vick has usurped Kevin Kolb

-In Buffalo, Ryan Fitzpatrick is in and Trent Edwards is out

-Matthew Stafford is still hurt for Detroit, opening the door for Shaun Hill

-Tom Cable already pulled the plug on Jason Campbell, inserting Bruce Gradkowski

-Derek Anderson took over for Matt Leinart before the season even started

Atlanta Falcons, 2-1

They couldn't move the ball at all against the Steelers in Week 1, but they didn't give up a touchdown until overtime. They then went on to crush the Cardinals and beat the Saints in a thriller on Sunday in New Orleans. Plus, the NFC South has never had a repeat division winner, so they've got history on their side as they attempt to dethrone the Saints.

THINGS ARE LOOKING DOWN

Minnesota Vikings, 1-2

They beat the Lions to keep their season alive, but c'mon, the Lions have lost 400 straight road games (actually 22, and they're chasing their own franchise record of 24. I believe in you, Lions. You can do this.). Brett Favre went undrafted in my fantasy football league because he's inherently evil, but no one's really missing out: Favre's QB rating is 30th in the NFL, and he's already thrown six picks and fumbled once; he had seven interceptions and two fumbles all of last season. Maybe this is where his downfall began (or not, but it's really fun to watch):

New York Giants, 1-2

Their win over Carolina looks less and less meaningful with each steaming pile of poop the Panthers leave on the field, and they were outscored 67-24 by the Colts and Titans. Maybe the Bears can help clear up their outlook by pasting them this Sunday night.

Being able to watch games on TV

We've already had four blackouts. And by "we," I mean the three remaining Raiders fans, stupid Chargers fans who apparently refuse to go to their games, and people in Tampa Bay who are probably not aware that they have a local NFL team. The Bucs have been blacked out for two home games while San Diego and Oakland have each been blacked out once. Twenty-two games were blacked out last season.

Short field goal attempts to win games

Man, I would hate to be a kicker. I mean, it's the only position I could possibly even attempt in the NFL because it wouldn't require me to die at the hands of a large, angry man, and I'd make lots of money just for kicking a football. But I'm saying if I were actually talented and could have an NFL career, it would kind of suck to be a kicker. You made it? Good job, pat on the back. You missed it? You f**king MISSED it? Are you KIDDING me? All that work we did and we lose the game because you're a pansy-ass kicker and you're unable to kick a football through the damn uprights? I hate you, kicker! We all hate you! You're not even a real part of this team!

So anways, Garrett Hartley missed a 29-yarder in overtime against the Falcons and Sebastian Janikowski missed a 32-yarder as time expired. Both of them would have won their respective games. Do you think they had to lay down in their respective locker rooms after the games and let their teammates kick them as a way of meting out justice for their unforgivable mistakes? I like to think so.

Week 25 awards: Things we learned

• Mike Quade did not make a deal with the devil. For the first time in his five weeks as manager, the Cubs were under .500 for the week. At least when the Cardinals finally managed to take a series from the Cubs, they were too far out for it to matter.
• Randy Wells has something to build on for next year: he's 3-1 with a 2.97 ERA in his last five starts. Walks have been a major issue for him this season, but he's had just one in his last two games.
• The Zambrano Situation will be a very interesting one this offseason. He still hasn't lost since rejoining the rotation, making it either very tempting for Hendry to keep him around, or increasingly tempting for another GM to try to trade for him.
• "Carlos Marmol, you are ridiculous!" With three strikeouts against the Cardinals on Saturday, he set a Cubs record for strikeouts by a reliever, breaking Bruce Sutter's 1977 record of 129. But that's not the interesting part: Sutter threw 107 innings that year; Marmol's thrown just 73. In a related story, Marmol is going to get PAID this offseason.
• Bob Brenly will not be the next Cubs manager. I don't think he would have been a terrible option, but on the bright side, I do hope to at least get another year of he and Len in the booth (he said he would be open to other team's managerial positions).

Ryno of the Week: This might be our first back-to-back winner of the year: Randy Wells. He shut out the Giants over 7.2 innings for his eighth win of the year and has looked like last year's Randy Wells for the past month or so.

Honorable mentions: Carlos Zambrano, Carlos Marmol, Casey Coleman

Goat of the Week: "Anything you can do, I can do worse." Gorzelanny allowed seven runs in just 3.1 innings? Pffft, I can do way worse than that, says Ryan Dempster. Nine earned runs in just 1.2, raising his ERA 0.37 this late in the season. He's 14-11 and will likely have one more shot to get his 15th win.

Dishonorable mentions: Marlon Byrd, Xavier Nady, Koyie Hill

A battle for first in the last game of the week

The Packers were 11-5 last season and have won nine of their last 10 regular season games. That includes a 21-14 win at Soldier Field in December, one of two wins over the Bears in 2009.

Green Bay's offense has been as advertised through two games--they've scored 61 points with four pass TDs and three rushing scores. The loss of Ryan Grant for the season could be significant given that replacement Brandon Jackson ran for just 29 yards on 11 carries against a bad Buffalo team (thanks, last-second fantasy pick-up who did nothing to help my team). With the Bears struggling to get their ground game going, this game could be quite the shootout--Cutler and Rodgers have already combined for over 1,100 yards through the air.

The NFC North is splitting up faster than a Britney Spears marriage: the Bears and Packers are tied at 2-0 while the Vikings and Lions (who play each other on Sunday) are winless. It's the only division in football that's separated in such a way.

The Bears have a chance to make Chicago football fans lose their minds (in a good way)--a victory Monday night means 3-0 and first place all by themselves. Are you ready for some football?

Keys to the Game

Which offensive line can survive? Rodgers was sacked 800 million times last year, and while the Bills never got to him, the Eagles did so three times in Week 1. The Bears had two sacks in Week 1 but none against the Cowboys.

If Chris Williams' hamstring keeps him out on Monday, Cutler could be running for his life--Green Bay leads the league with 10 sacks. Linebacker Clay Matthews already has six from the linebacker position, taking advantages of blitzes in the Packers' 3-4 system.

Bears LBs vs. TE Jermichael Finley. In his third year in the league, Finley has piled up 150 yards receiving and has the highest average yards/catch on the team (18.8). He creates mismatches all over the place, but hopefully the Bears' linebacking corps can slow him down.

Get the ground game going just a little bit? The Bears are averaging just 2.8 yards per carry. I think they'll need to show at least a smidge of ability in the running game in order to keep Green Bay's defense honest.

Humor Vault Headlines

Pittsburgh Pirates player knows deep down that he's not a loser, doesn't care what that fan in the second row keeps saying

Pete Carroll really proud of himself for not yet incurring any recruiting violations with Seahawks

Raiders players shocked to discover last week's game was not part of the preseason

Bears find several stars in Lone Star State

The Bears needed to win at least once during Weeks 2-4--at Dallas, vs. Packers and at Giants--in order to arrive at the season's quarter-mark alive and kicking. They did not take their time searching for that victory.

How 'bout them Bears, huh?! Turns out they're not allergic to fundamental football: zero turnovers and just two penalties in the biggest NFL stadium in the world. It was a clean, competitive game that saw the Bears come out on top, making them one of eight undefeated teams through Week 2. It's the first time they've started a season 2-0 since 2006. There was something else interesting about the Bears' 2006 season, I just can't remember what it was ...

(I interrupt this regularly scheduled blog post to report that Brett Favre and the Vikings are 0-2. I repeat: The Vikings have not won at football this year and have scored 19 points in two games.)

The Bears were actually outgained by over 100 yards and rushed for just 38 yards, but Cutler lit it up again, going 21-for-29 for 277 yards and three TDs. Apparently Cutler eats awesome for breakfast, defenses for lunch and crazy awesome for dinner, because he has the highest QB rating in the league. Four different receivers had at least four receptions and what ... what the hell is going on with Matt Forte? Five more catches for 37 yards and a TD catch on which he was lined up out wide. Apparently Matt Forte is some sort of futuristic half running back/half receiver machine. I am okay with this.

(Brett Favre had a fumble and three interceptions on Sunday. Ha. Hahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. He is evil and he deserves any terrible fate that befalls him.)

I'll be honest: I did not know D.J. Moore's name until after the first game. But I know it now. Twice he played receiver for Tony Romo, giving the Bears the turnover edge they needed. Urlacher added a fumble recovery as well.

Lastly, let's talk about the best. Run. Defense. In the league. Fifty-six total yards allowed on the ground in two games, average of 1.4 yards per carry. "Hello, other team. What's that? You want some rushing yards? Oh, no problem, how about 1.4 of them? Would you like 1.4 rushing yards per carry? Would you like that? Because THAT'S ALL YOU GET!"

(Brett Favre is a grandpa. Do you think his memory is good enough to remember the last time he won a football game?)

Let's enjoy this one more time, shall we? 'Til next week.