ESPN's new futuristic BottomLine tells viewers what's going to happen

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

BRISTOL, Conn.--This week, ESPN launched its revolutionary new BottomLine that, rather than simply providing live scores or upcoming game information, informs viewers about what is going to happen. Sports and media analysts are touting the network's newest innovation as one of the most groundbreaking in recent memory.

"Here at ESPN, we are always looking for new ways to improve the viewer's experience," said Chief Technology Officer Charles Pagano. "This is the 21st century. Sports fans don't just want to know who's playing tonight, they want to know who's going to win. Now all they'll have to do is tune into one of ESPN's 47 networks and glance at the BottomLine to know."

Spokesmen for several Las Vegas sportsbooks said they expect a huge increase in betting and are nervous about setting lines with future results available to bettors. "This is bullshit," commented one oddsmaker. Added a random bettor, "Fuck. Yeah."

Pagano said that there is one kink they have yet to iron out: ESPN is currently unable to show future results for any game being aired on an ESPN affiliate. "The big college basketball game on ESPN this Saturday? You'll have to watch to find out what happens there," Pagano said. "But there's not much point in watching the Super Bowl on Fox this Sunday (27-24 Steelers, according to the BottomLine), which means you can watch the big bowling tournament on ESPN! Everyone wins."

Bill Belichick's headset actually just headphones for his iPod

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

Belichick, shown here during a moment of frustration because Elton John's "Rocketman" keeps skipping.

FOXBOROUGH, Mass.--While fans have naturally assumed that Patriots coach Bill Belichick's headset is a device that enables him to communicate with quarterback Tom Brady during games, sources indicated today that it's actually just a way for him to "listen to some tunes" on game days.

"A little Bon Jovi, a little Kenny Chesney," said Belichick when asked what he listens to during games. "Sometimes I go classical when we're losing late in the game and I want to make sure I remain chill."

But why the mic?

"Sometimes I like to talk back to the musicians," Belichick said. "Like if Kenny [Chesney] is feeling bad about something, I'll tell him to keep his head up, just focus on the next lyric. Or when Bryan [Adams] really nails a verse, I'll tell him, 'Way to go! All that practice really paid off.' You know, stuff like that."

When asked for his thoughts on the Patriots' playoff loss to the Jets, Belichick asked if anyone owns the iPhone 4 or has heard anything about its iPod function.

NFC West drunkenly resolves to be better in 2011

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

It was a long, depressing season for the NFL's NFC West division: all four of its teams were outscored on the season and the Seahawks won the division despite a sub-par 7-9 record. The year of struggles apparently led the division to hit the sauce pretty hard on New Year's Eve, and sources report that a highly intoxicated NFC West acted quite foolishly on December 31 and made just one drunken resolution: to be much better in 2011.

"I'm gonna ... lisssen to me ... I'm gonna be better," he whispered to the AFC North while standing much closer than necessary. "You watch. You watch."

The NFC West was reportedly badgering the NFC East all night, trying to negotiate a trade of teams so that the Eagles--a perennially strong team--could join the West.

"Hey you. Hey you!" he said, wobbly, but somehow still on his feet. "Kin we have th' Eagles? Heydidyouhearme can we have the Eagles?? That would be sooo awesome. Man I love the Eagles."

The NFC East sought refuge in the family room, but the NFC West found him again later in the night.

"I'll give you the Cardinals, man," he whispered, his eyes barely open. "They gotta go, man. They suck. F--k them, man."

NFC West's friends say that it wasn't just New Year's Eve--that he's been drinking a lot for the past year or so. They say they'd love to help him but feel he's beyond help at this point, plus he lives way out on the West Coast which is just so far away.

This guy next to me clearly doesn't know the words to Take Me Out to the Ball Game

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

CHICAGO--This douchebag next to me obviously doesn't know the words to "Take Me Out to the Ball Game," so why is he even bothering to pretend? "Buy me some phhh-nuhhh and graaaa-shhhh-eh?" Really? Just sit down, or at least shut up. Your selfish decision to belt out nonsense in order to feel like part of the crowd is really ruining the mojo. Freakin' Milli Vanilli over here wasn't at all prepared for the "one, two, three strikes your out," jumped in on "three" and then proceeded to shout "four" instead of moving on to the next line in the song. What an a**hole. Oh and now he's going to finish by singing "at the old baseball" instead of ball game? Are you kidding me? I wish someone would take this jerk out of the ball park.

Baseball player none too happy with God after tough ninth-inning loss

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

HOUSTON--God was clearly on the side of Albert Pujols and the Cardinals on Thursday, and the Astros were none too happy about it. Pujols gestured toward the sky after his go-ahead home run in the ninth inning, understandably eager to thank the Lord for allowing his team to win the game.

"This is bulls**t," said Astros outfielder Hunter Pence. "I really don't understand why God hates us so much. I pray most nights. I thank Him when he lets me get a big hit. And yet we're 13 games out of first place while He keeps giving Pujols home runs? Sorry I'm so upset, but goddamn, God is really pissing me off."

Pujols praised God in his post-game interview, thanking him for the talent he has given him and saying that through Him all things are possible. He added that while the Cardinals have struggled of late, maybe God will see fit to help them make it to the postseason.

"Everyone is all, 'God is great! God is great!' God is average at best," said Pence after taking off his necklace with a cross on it. "I don't know what else he wants from us. I'm sick of this Godforsaken sport."

God did not respond to a request for comment.

ESPN apologizes for not broadcasting a Yankees-Red Sox game

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

BRISTOL, Conn.--With tears in his eyes and a somber look on his face, SportsCenter anchor Scott Van Pelt looked directly into the camera Wednesday night and apologized to baseball fans around the world for his network's inexplicable decision not to air a game featuring the New York Yankees versus the Boston Red Sox. Given that ESPN had broadcast the last 212 games between the two rivals, it was quite the unexpected blow to fans who tuned in excitedly at 7:00 EST only to see the Minnesota Twins playing the Detroit Tigers.

"Sports fans, we at ESPN ask for your forgiveness on this day," began Van Pelt. "There is no dancing around this--a tragedy has occurred. The Boston Red Sox played a baseball game against the New York Yankees tonight, and you ... [Van Pelt paused here and lowered his head, his jaw quivering. After a few moments, he continued] ... you weren't able to see it. The greatest rivalry in the history of sports, nay, in the history of games and competition of any kind, in the history of human civilization, was broadcast only in the teams' local areas. Today, I am ashamed to be an employee of ESPN."

Gary Miller, a fan who went to Buffalo Wild Wings to catch Wednesday Night Baseball, had this to say at 7:25, when it became clear to everyone at the bar that ESPN was actually going to show the entire Twins/Tigers game: "I felt sick to my stomach. I mean yes, I shouldn't have chugged that 23 ounce Leinie's Summer Shandy, and I'm pretty sure they don't clean their beer tap lines here, but it wasn't the beer. Twins/Tigers? I mean, who are these people? Joe Mauer? Justin Ver ... Verla ... Verlanker? Are these teams even in the major leagues?"

The bar was booming just before seven o'clock, but was nearly empty by eight. It was the same story at bars across the country as fans fled home and flooded ESPN with emails and calls.

"We can't change what happened tonight," said Van Pelt, "but we can promise never to let it happen again. People jokingly refer to us as 'Eastern Seaboard Programming Network' for a reason. They expect certain biases and a consistent if sometimes irrational commitment to East Coast teams, especially the Sox and Yankees. On top of our ESPN, ESPN2 and ESPNClassic channels, we are looking into the possibility of adding ESPNRed Sox and ESPNYankees. We apologize again, and we assure you that this boneheaded decision will be #1 in this week's 'Not Top Ten.'"

Radio announcer pretends game is still going on so he doesn't have to go home to crazy wife

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

BALTIMORE--Radio play-by-play announcer Joe Angel pretended the Baltimore Orioles' game against the Toronto Blue Jays on Tuesday was still going on hours after it was completed so that he wouldn't have to go home to his "nutcase of a wife." When Miguel Tejada was thrown out at first to end the game 7-6 in favor of the Blue Jays, Angel said, "And the throw gets away! Tejada is around first and he'll make it to second!" As the Camden Yards crowd filed out, Angel reported that Adam Jones knocked in Tejada to tie the game. Though Angel's announcing partner packed up and left for home, Angel continued to make up game action all the way into the fake 15th inning. He then announced that Ty Wigginton hit a game-winning home run once he was "pretty sure that bitch was asleep." The Orioles decided not to fire Angel, saying that his life is bad enough already.

Free agent Brian Scalabrine will announce decision on HGTV

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

BOSTON--Following in the footsteps of LeBron James, Celtics free agent Brian Scalabrine is in negotiations with Home and Garden Television to air a four-minute special on Saturday during which he will announce which NBA team he will sign with. Sources say the Celtics might have interest in bringing him back, and that no other teams have shown much interest to this point.

The special will likely air during what would normally be a commercial break between Designing for the Sexes at 9 am and Closet Cases at 9:30. Scalabrine is in the process of lining up sponsors for the show, and sources indicate that some companies may be willing to pay upwards of $3. Some believe viewership for the event could reach into the tens.

Joe Girardi manages to conduct an entire press conference with nothing but trite phrases and cliches

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault


NEW YORK--Yankees manager Joe Girardi is the envy of managers around the majors after accomplishing a difficult and much sought-after feat: he managed to speak solely in cliches and meaningless phrases during his post-game press conference after a loss to the Kansas City Royals.

When asked if he was surprised the game played out as it did despite the fact that the Yankees were heavy favorites going into it, he replied, "You don't play the game on paper. Having said that, I think we left everything on the field. At the end of the day, we have to remember to play within ourselves."

Speaking with regard to the Yankees' comeback attempt in the late innings, Girardi said, "There are no moral victories. They made the big plays and we didn't. We'll just have to put this loss behind us and continue to take it one game at a time."

Girardi left the press room but then suddenly peeked out from behind the side wall and added, "Something had to give!" and then left. As Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez prepared for his interview, Girardi was just plain showing off as he popped his head in again and said, "You win as a team, you lose as a team," then left again.

With tough decision looming, LeBron James turns to Yelp

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

An exasperated LeBron James wonders where he should go next.

CLEVELAND--When LeBron James becomes a free agent on July 1, several teams will be ready to pounce. Should he stay at home in Cleveland? Should he join Dwayne Wade or Chris Bosh? Should he head to a major market like New York or Chicago? Facing a very difficult decision, James has turned to the website Yelp for help. Wait 'til this Year sat down with James at his computer as he reviewed his options.

"Danny from Evanston says: 'The Bulls are #1! They're my fave!' Wow, he gave them five stars," LeBron said.

"Oh, but look, Mike T from Los Angeles says: 'The Clippers are on their way to the top, baby! 2010-11 will be THE YEAR! Can't wait!' Five stars for them too. Very interesting ..."

After an hour on the site, LeBron was disappointed to find that most teams garnered a five-star rating from the majority of reviewers, and felt the reviews he read were overwhelmingly positive. All in all, he didn't gain much from the experience. He did find one review, however, that bucked the trend.

"Vinny D from Chicago says 'F--k the Bulls, they f--king suck. All of Chicago can go to hell.' Zero stars. Wow. Really makes you think, doesn't it?"

Omar Vizquel had no idea retirement was an option until Ken Griffey Jr. did it

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

Prior to Griffey's retirement, Vizquel just wished there was some way to end it all.

CHICAGO--White Sox shortstop Omar Vizquel says that he was shocked and very excited when Ken Griffey Jr. retired recently, saying that until he read the story, he had no idea such a course of action even existed. Vizquel, 43, has played major league baseball for 22 years and has pretty much sucked for the last four of them. He says he would have retired years ago if anyone had told him about it.

"What the f--k?" Vizquel said to a clubhouse full of teammates, holding up the USA Today sports section. "Why did no one tell me about this? I'm 43 years old, I'm terrible, my knees hurt, I'm playing for a crazy-ass manager, and I groan with displeasure every time I see my name in the lineup. You guys couldn’t have told me about retirement?”

Racist basketball coach definitely not getting the most out of his roster

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

Jerome Richardson watches as his team loses by 30. Teammate Lester Chadwick was 1-for-15 in the game with seven turnovers and one basket made for the other team.

CHESTER, South Carolina--When Len Wixby was hired as coach of the Chester Community College men's basketball team, most CCC students and locals weren't too bothered by the rumors that swirled about Wixby being a racist. But after a miserable 3-26 season, fans couldn't help but question his coaching strategy with regard to playing time.

For example, Bubba Smith, a white, 5'9 shooting guard, played nearly five times as many minutes as 6'5 Darius Jackson, who is black. Also, Jerome Richardson, a 6'8 forward who won his state's high school dunk competition and happens to be black, played in only three games all year as he was stuck behind 5'10 Lester Chadwick, who is white. "About the only thing Chadwick can jump," says a local scout, "is a car battery."

When reached for comment, Wixby defended himself by saying he's not a racist, he's just a terrible basketball coach.

Sabermatricians go one step too far with new Ultimate Weighted On-Base Average Rating on Balls Put in Play Percentage Per Nine Innings Ratio

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

Bill James, shown here trying to think of another way to make you feel stupid.

NEW YORK--Sabermetricians have finally taken their obsession with statistics one step too far. Bill James, founder of the Society for American Baseball Research, recently introduced a new statistic called Ultimate Weighted On-Base Average Rating on Balls Put in Play Percentage Per Nine Innings Ratio (uWOBARBPiP%/9R), which is designed to reveal how often a player gets on base when he puts the ball in play, on average, per nine innings, er, the ratio of, um ... s**t, I have absolutely no idea what it means.

"This statistic will revolutionize the way we analyze the game of baseball," James said, repeating the line he used when he revealed statistics such as Ultimate Zone Rating and Weighted On-Base Average. When pressed to be more specific, James, looking very professorial and intelligent, simply said, "Statistics." When asked for more details, he calmly replied, "Baseball."

James admitted that the statistic might need to be refined a bit given that Albert Pujols' major league-leading uWOBARBPiP%/9R of 34.7624 puts him just barely ahead of Rangers pitcher C.J. Wilson, who has yet to bat this season.

"Sunglasses at Night" is the only song on Tony LaRussa's iPod

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

Above: Manager Tony La Russa wearing sunglasses. At night.

ST. LOUIS--A quick perusal of St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony La Russa's iPod revealed that it contains just one song--Corey Hart's 1984 hit single "Sunglasses at Night." La Russa's iTunes account indicated that he listens to the song about 50-60 times per day.

"Oh, okay, okay, now it all makes sense," said Cardinals pitcher Adam Wainwright. "I couldn't figure out why, when he came out to the mound the other day, he just said, 'Don't switch the blade on the guy in shades, oh no, Don't masquerade with the guy in shades, oh no, I can't believe it, Don't be afraid of the guy in shades, oh no, it can't escape you,' and then walked back to the dugout. It was really weird. Although, strangely, it worked--I struck out the next two guys."

Sources said La Russa very recently had at least two other songs in his playlist: Stevie's Wonder's "Don't Drive Drunk" and Jimmy Buffett's "The Asshole Song."

Brewers fans enraged after tofu dog wins Sausage Race

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

The cameraman refused to photograph the tofu dog out of protest.

MILWAUKEE--In a shocking and unprecedented development, a "Tofu Dog" won the traditional Sausage Race at Miller Park on Thursday night. Fans booed loudly as the Tofu Dog, looking quite healthy and extremely light on its feet, raced to the finish ahead of the other sausages. The other sausages fell behind early and just couldn't ketchup.

After the game, fans couldn't seem to care less that Prince Fielder hit a walk-off home run to beat the Rockies (Fielder, a vegetarian, said after the game that the Tofu Dog's victory definitely contributed to his late-game heroics); the only topic of discussion seemed to be the Sausage Race.

"It was an abomination," said Hal Mantz.

"They need to get rid of that sissy little tofer dog, whatever it's called," said season ticket holder Mitch Edler. "First they added that Mexican feller [the Chorizo], and now this. Is this Milwaukee or San Francisco?"

One fan was ejected after striking the Tofu Dog with an actual hot dog during the race. But the blow barely affected the giant vegetarian sausage--he was the wiener by a comfortable margin.

Opposing batters say Jamie Moyer's hiked up pants and frequent bathroom trips are distracting

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

He's not trying to see the sign--he's trying to see the catcher!

PHILADELPHIA--Jamie Moyer is the oldest non-knuckleball pitcher in major league history to hold down a spot in a starting rotation. But while fans might find enjoyment in Moyer's incredible longevity, opposing hitters say he's too old and that his age-related tendencies are frustrating. In his first start of the season last week in Houston, Moyer's pants came up almost to the "Phillies" lettering on his jersey, he left the mound three different times to use the bathroom, and some Astros players questioned the legality of the handkerchief he continuously utilized between pitches.

Even Moyer's catcher, Brian Schneider, admitted that Moyer's age was a problem.

"I went out there in the third to have a quick chat, but he couldn't hear a word I said," Schneider said. "I told him to throw one high and tight, and he said, 'WHAAAT? YOU'RE GOING FOR A DRIVE TONIGHT??' He pitched okay, but I'm not sure this is going to work out."

Said Moyer, "Pitching's just the bee's knees, you know? These wise guys on the Astros, they need to just relax, see. See you in the funny papers."

NCAA says f**k it, lets everyone into the tournament

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault


INDIANAPOLIS--While it was known that the NCAA was considering expanding its postseason basketball tournament to 96 teams, Interim President James Isch surprised everyone by declaring that all 347 Division I teams will automatically make the tournament starting next year. "Sixty-four, 96, 128, they're all unfair because someone gets left out," Isch said. "It's time to establish a true champion by giving everyone a shot at the title." While details of the new-look tournament are still sketchy, sources say it is likely to begin in mid-March and finish in late June, and the tourney's unofficial moniker will change from March Madness to March Absurdity. ESPN announced that it will build a new studio big enough to house a bracket. Said Northwestern coach Bill Carmody, "This is the best day ever."

Are you serious? F**king Doris in Accounting is going to win the office pool again?

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

Doris liked Murray St. over Vanderbilt because, in her words, "I had a friend named Murray when I was a child, and he once gave me his vanilla pudding because he knew I liked it so much." Unbelievable.

CONCORD, Mass.--No f**king way. Not again. This is the second year in a row that Doris down in Accounting is going to win the goddamn NCAA Tournament office pool.

How could she have Butler in the Final Four? Oh, that's right: because she's a f**king idiot.

Bill in Sales said she picked Kansas to lose early because "K is just not a pretty-sounding letter." And rumor has it some of her picks were based on which team her cat stepped on when she placed the bracket near it. That is some serious bulls**t.

And Ohio over Georgetown because her ex-husband is named George? Tennessee over Ohio State because she once drove through Tennessee and a nice man helped her with a flat tire? What a lucky bi*ch. And the worst part is, she doesn't even watch any of the games--I can guarantee you she won't know she won until someone tells her. Just like last year.

I'm out of that f**king pool until that basketball-picking witch doesn't work here anymore.

Stupid Pirates fans go into yet another season with unjustified hope

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

Pirates fans seem to forget the reality of their team's suckitude every March.

PITTSBURGH--In a ridiculous display of naivete, many Pittsburgh Pirates fans actually have some hope for a successful Pirates season in 2010. Despite 17 straight losing seasons, the Pirates faithful truly believe this could be the year.

"We have Zach Duke, Ronny Cedeno, Brandon Moss ... the list goes on and on," said idiot fan Lenny Markin. "We're really primed for a run this season, I can feel it. I can feel it in my bones."

"When Opening Day comes, we have the same record as everyone else," said obviously brain dead fan Jessica Hoover. "Bring on the Yankees, baby!"

Local Phillies fan Matt Bachner said nothing angers him more than the annual appearance of completely inexplicable hope displayed by friends and colleagues.

"It just goes to show you how much of a sucker most people are. The team makes a couple moves in the offseason, fans forget about the debacle of a season that ended six months ago, and they buy right back in. They're idiots. IDIOTS!" he yelled as he pushed an unsuspecting elderly woman who was walking by with a Pirates jacket on.

"There are fans that actually think we're going to be good?" said Pirates manager John Russell. "That's ri-goddamn-diculous," he said with a laugh. After the laughing continued for over a minute, the reporter walked away and the interview ended awkwardly.

Roy Halladay forgets it's spring training, throws complete game

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault


CLEARWATER, Fla.--While most starting pitchers throw just two or three innings in each of their first few spring training starts, Roy Halladay got lost in the moment on Tuesday and threw a complete game shutout against the Tigers. Halladay, who is a rubber-armed crazy person who never gets tired, ever, said he's just become accustomed to finishing what he starts. He didn't realize his mistake until a conversation with reporters after the game.

"Oh, that's right, it's March!" Halladay said. "I can't believe I just did that. I bet there were some young guys who wanted to get some work in today. Shoot. That's my bad."

Halladay needed just 89 pitches to set the major league record for most spring training complete games: one. It became apparent that Halladay might have mistakenly thought it was the regular season when he threw a 95 mph fastball underneath the chin of infielder Matt Dominguez after Dominguez had singled off him earlier in the game. The brushback pitch occurred in the eighth inning of a 10-0 game, and Dominguez is a Single-A player who has virtually no chance of making the team.

"Well, whaddaya gonna do?" Halladay said. "I won't throw nearly as many innings tomorrow." Halladay was then reminded that he doesn't get to pitch every day.