Wednesday, March 31, 2010

2010 Cubs predictions

We're only five days away from Opening Day, which means it's about time for me, Trevor Sierra and Andrew Kapral to make comically inaccurate predictions about the upcoming season. Last season, Trevor and Andrew tied with three apiece while I had only two. I won in 2008, and Andrew dominated in 2007. Due to the sensitive nature of these predictions, all information prior to 2007 has been destroyed.

On with it:

*2009 totals in parentheses

Cubs wins (83)
Trevor 88
Andrew 87
Brandon 86

(good luck with that one, Andrew)

Randy Wells wins (12)
Trevor 13
Brandon 11
Andrew 10

(Dammit.)

Soto slugging percentage (.381)
Brandon .475
Andrew .445
Trevor .430

Zambrano wins (9)
Trevor 20
Brandon 14
Andrew 14

Derrek Lee HR (35)
Brandon 33
Trevor 33
Andrew 27

Carlos Marmol walks per 9 innings (7.9)
Brandon 6.4
Andrew 5.8
Trevor 5.1

Theriot OBP (.343)
Andrew .380
Brandon .370
Trevor .365


Final NL Central standings
Brandon
Cardinals
Cubs
Brewers
Reds
Astros
Pirates

Trevor
Cardinals
Cubs
Brewers
Reds
Astros
Pirates

Andrew
Cubs
Cardinals
Reds
Brewers
Astros
Pirates

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Are you serious? F**king Doris in Accounting is going to win the office pool again?

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

Doris liked Murray St. over Vanderbilt because, in her words, "I had a friend named Murray when I was a child, and he once gave me his vanilla pudding because he knew I liked it so much." Unbelievable.

CONCORD, Mass.--No f**king way. Not again. This is the second year in a row that Doris down in Accounting is going to win the goddamn NCAA Tournament office pool.

How could she have Butler in the Final Four? Oh, that's right: because she's a f**king idiot.

Bill in Sales said she picked Kansas to lose early because "K is just not a pretty-sounding letter." And rumor has it some of her picks were based on which team her cat stepped on when she placed the bracket near it. That is some serious bulls**t.

And Ohio over Georgetown because her ex-husband is named George? Tennessee over Ohio State because she once drove through Tennessee and a nice man helped her with a flat tire? What a lucky bi*ch. And the worst part is, she doesn't even watch any of the games--I can guarantee you she won't know she won until someone tells her. Just like last year.

I'm out of that f**king pool until that basketball-picking witch doesn't work here anymore.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Bears spend big, but will it bring big results?


When you draft as poorly as Jerry Angelo, you need to turn to the free agent market in order to improve your team. And when you trade away virtually all of your draft picks for a franchise quarterback, you really need to look to free agency to fill your team's holes.

So that's exactly what the Bears have done, making a splash--hell, doing a cannonball--on the first day of free agency by signing DE Julius Peppers, RB Chester Taylor, and TE Brandon Manumaleuna.

As the Bears' Chicago counterparts on the North side have shown them, free agency ain't cheap. Peppers: $91.5 million, $42 guaranteed. Taylor: $12.5 million, $7 guaranteed. Manumaleuna: $17 million, $6 guaranteed.

They've anted up, but will the new additions up their win total?

I really like the additional of Taylor to the backfield. In his only season as a Viking in which he got the bulk of the carries, he ran for 1,216 yards. While no one knows if the thief who stole Matt Forte's talent will return it in time for the 2010 season, the Bears now have two solid backs. Plus, Taylor is adept at catching passes from the halfback position--he's had 40+ receptions four of the last five years. The Bears had no balance on offense last year; hopefully having more talent at the running back position will provide some.

The other offensive addition is not quite as dynamic. In fact, Manumaleuna has had no more than 15 receptions since 2003. He is the reason the phrase "blocking tight end" exists. He's 6-foot-2, 295 pounds, and has played in high-powered offenses such as Mike Martz's greatest show on turf and the recent Chargers' squads. It's hard to get excited about a blocking tight end, but the Bears should be willing to pay a trash can $17 million if it can block.

The 2009 Bears defense had a unique ability to make opposing quarterbacks feel comfortable. Peppers should help to change that. While he's over the hill as far as defensive linemen go (he's 30--there's no way the Bears keep him around for all six years of his contract), he was in the top 10 in the NFL in sacks in 2006, 2008 and 2009. Football's big secret is that it's all about the offensive and defensive lines: get pressure on the other team's quarterback and protect your own QB, and you'll win your share of games. For this reason, Peppers makes the Bears' D significantly better. He makes the rest of the defensive line better because he'll draw double teams. He makes Urlacher and the linebacking corps better for the same reason. He makes the secondary better because they shouldn't have to cover their receivers for quite as long. He was seriously overpaid, but if he has a couple real good seasons with 10 or 12 sacks, he could help revive a flatlining Bears defense.

Of course, what frustrated Bears fans more than anything last year were Cutler's boneheaded plays and a lack of protection from the offensive line. None of the above free agents will fix those problems, and a limited number of draft picks--including none in the first two rounds--won't help, either. If Brett Favre returns to the Vikings, are the Bears now better than them? I don't think so. Are they better than the Packers? I'm not so sure. After all, it's difficult to turn a 7-9 team into an 11-5 team with one Friday's worth of free agents.

But give the Bears credit. They put themselves into a corner by limiting themselves to free agency, but they didn't sit around when it came time to improve the team. The Bears are a better team than they were when their season ended in January. But don't let all those dollar signs fool you--there's still work to be done.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Andres Blanco traded to Rangers for player to be named later


So says Gordon Wittenmyer via Twitter. Blanco was out of options and was unlikely to make the team out of spring training. This disappoints me as Blanco is perhaps the best defensive player on the Cubs' 40-man roster and the Cubs have no backup shortstop heading into Opening Day. While he didn't set the world on fire at the plate with his .252 average in 123 at-bats last year, he could have been a decent bat off the bench and a strong defender up the middle.

Oh well. On the bright side, the Cubs will get something in return for a player they were going to lose one way or another.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Gorzelanny and Silva to begin season in starting rotation

This according to Carrie Muskat over at cubs.com. Gorzelanny stole the fifth starter spot from Sean Marshall--Marshall had a strong outing on Wednesday to lower his spring ERA to 1.64, but Gorzelanny followed with six strong innings yesterday to lower his ERA to 3.07. I think Marshall's career splits played a role as well (4.86 career ERA as a starter, 3.15 as a reliever). It's likely that my prediction from February 5 that Gorzelanny would start the season in the rotation played a role as well. Right? Yeah, it's likely that my prediction played a role.

Silva has had a solid spring while Jeff Samardzija (who will go to the bullpen) did not. I still don't think the Cubs will need a fifth starter until April 19 (though they may prefer one), so it will be interesting to see which back-end starter will get the bulk of the starts before Lilly returns.

Piniella also said that lefty James Russell (0.00 ERA in nine innings) is very likely to make the team as a reliever.

Stupid Pirates fans go into yet another season with unjustified hope

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

Pirates fans seem to forget the reality of their team's suckitude every March.

PITTSBURGH--In a ridiculous display of naivete, many Pittsburgh Pirates fans actually have some hope for a successful Pirates season in 2010. Despite 17 straight losing seasons, the Pirates faithful truly believe this could be the year.

"We have Zach Duke, Ronny Cedeno, Brandon Moss ... the list goes on and on," said idiot fan Lenny Markin. "We're really primed for a run this season, I can feel it. I can feel it in my bones."

"When Opening Day comes, we have the same record as everyone else," said obviously brain dead fan Jessica Hoover. "Bring on the Yankees, baby!"

Local Phillies fan Matt Bachner said nothing angers him more than the annual appearance of completely inexplicable hope displayed by friends and colleagues.

"It just goes to show you how much of a sucker most people are. The team makes a couple moves in the offseason, fans forget about the debacle of a season that ended six months ago, and they buy right back in. They're idiots. IDIOTS!" he yelled as he pushed an unsuspecting elderly woman who was walking by with a Pirates jacket on.

"There are fans that actually think we're going to be good?" said Pirates manager John Russell. "That's ri-goddamn-diculous," he said with a laugh. After the laughing continued for over a minute, the reporter walked away and the interview ended awkwardly.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

The name game, vol. 4

Dairese Gary (New Mexico)
Never a good thing when your last name makes a much better first name than your first name.

David Kool (Western Michigan)
When you've got a last name like cool, you just throw a nice, normal name in front of it. Don't ruin it. Don't do Lance Kool or Darius Kool. Just David Kool, or Steve Kool. Well done, Mr. and Mrs. Kool.

Blaise Ffrench (St. Peter's)
Not every day you see the double "f," and not every day you see the name Blaise. Also not every day you hear anything about the St. Peter's Peacocks. Is that the worst college team name in the nation? How often has a St. Peter's student gotten drunk, headed to a big basketball game and gotten ready to yell "Peacocks, motherfu**er!" at the other team right after a big three-pointer, but then had to decide against it since, you know, they're the Peacocks. Do you think their fans ever shorten it to just "Cocks"? The St. Peter's Cocks? That makes it sound like a person--a saint, no less--with a unique biological affliction.

"Humpty" Hitchens (Akron)
Do I really need to say anything? Okay, how about this: his name cracks me up.

Tyler Storm (Northern Illinois)
Sounds like a character in a novel. Or the bad guy in a bad movie.