Friday, August 7, 2009

Rookie still struggling to master the art of eating sunflower seeds

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

Toronto Blue Jays rookie pitcher Derek Holland has had some success on the field this year, but the dugout is a different story. According to teammates, Holland absolutely sucks at eating sunflower seeds.

"He always ends up either cracking them open with his fingers, or just swallowing them whole," said second baseman Aaron Hill. "Every couple of innings, you'll hear someone sort of coughing and making choking sounds at the end of the bench. It's really embarrassing."

Any Major Leaguer worth his salt has mastered the art of eating sunflower seeds. This consists of putting the entire seed--shell and all--into the mouth, then cracking it open with one's teeth and spitting the shell out while eating the seed itself. But Holland consistently falters somewhere in that process, sometimes spitting out the entire seed by accident, sometimes choking on sharp shards of shell, sometimes admitting defeat by cracking the shell open with his fingers. Blue Jays General Manager J.P. Ricciardi said he has considered sending Holland back to the minors for more seasoning.

"We don't want it to turn into one of those unfortunate baseball stories," Ricciardi said. "We don't want it to start affecting him mentally, to the point where there's no coming back from it. He's an important piece of our team, but he's going to have to get his act together when it comes to eating sunflower seeds."

Manager Cito Gaston plans to get in some extra sunflower seed work with Holland, even if it means cutting back on batting and fielding practice.


  1. Hilarious! I was wondering when we'd get our next Humor Vault installment.

  2. I love the Humor Vault installments as well. Maybe every time you write about a Cubs loss, which is depressing, you should have to write a Humor Vault article also. I know we run the risk of not getting as many H.V. articles, but that's a chance we'll have to take until, say, the end of ... October.