Thursday, November 5, 2009

Steve Stone predicts Cubs offseason moves, 2010 World Series, 2047 Academy Award winners

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

PHOENIX--In the most amazing use of his ESP to date, baseball analyst Steve Stone has predicted not only what moves the Chicago Cubs will make this offseason, but also next year's World Series results and, "just for shits and giggles" (Stone's words), the winners of the Academy Awards in 2047.

This is big news, given that Stone has never made an incorrect prediction (except for one time in 1997 when he blew everyone's mind by predicting that he would make an incorrect prediction, which he then did). As a television announcer for the Cubs from 1983 - 2004, Stone would wow the audience by accurately predicting what pitches would be thrown, where balls would be hit, game results, etc. In recent years, as a White Sox announcer and contributor to TBS and the radio station WSCR, he has expanded his prediction repertoire to include other baseball teams.

But today he ventured into uncharted territory. After informing everyone as to how General Manager Jim Hendry will tweak the Cubs' roster this offseason, Stone added that the Cubs will beat the Angels in next year's World Series, four games to two, and then proceeded to rattle off a list of who will win Oscars in the year 2047. Here is a partial listing:

Best Actor: Aidan Lester
Best Actress: Jillian Thomassen
Best Costume Design: Chloe Wolska
Best Animated Short Film: "The Sky is the Limit"

Refusing to be outdone on the prediction front, noted weather genius Tom Skilling shared his no-doubt accurate prediction of the weather forecast for the evening of the Academy Awards ceremony in 2047: "55 degrees, clear skies, humidity 60%, slightly breezy, dew point 40 degrees. Eat it, Stoney."


  1. As always, very amusing. And, don't you still think it's wrong to hear him announcing with "the other team" and with the most annoying guy in all of baseball?

  2. Wow, that was not even close to amusing. Keep up the sub-par, wannabe Onion, work.

    p.s. anyone who claims they are a "die hard cubs fan" loses all credibility immediately.