Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Kurt Warner finally able to return to true passion: stocking shelves at Hy-Vee

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

GLENDALE, Arizona--A 45-14 Divisional Round playoff loss to the New Orleans Saints left many Arizona Cardinals fans disappointed, but one man couldn't be happier: quarterback Kurt Warner. Warner, whose exciting and fulfilling life stocking shelves at a Hy-Vee grocery store was rather rudely interrupted by a successful NFL career, plans to retire now that the season is over.

"It's like a dream come true," Warner said. "I never really thought this day would come. I mean, you think about it and you dream about it and you hope it happens, but I never really thought it would. In the back of your mind, you think: 'Can a person really get a second chance to stock shelves at Hy-Vee? I mean, isn't that kind of a once-in-a-lifetime deal?' But today, thanks to a pathetic and really rather shameful performance against the Saints, that day is here."

Hy-Vee CEO Richard N. Jurgens confirmed that the shelf-stocking position has been kept open since 1994 in case of Warner's return. After all, Warner was Hy-Vee's 1993 and 1994 MVP (the only back-to-back winner in Hy-Vee history) and set records in 1993 for most soups stocked in an hour and fastest de-stocking of a recalled item. Both records still stand today.

Many fans were confused by Warner's proclamation after the Divisional Round loss that he is "going to Disney World!" given that this claim is typically made by a player who just won the Super Bowl. Warner later explained that Hy-Vee is opening a new store in Orlando and needs a top shelf-stocker to help get things rolling.


  1. Haha...awesome. Hopefully he'll take Fav-ray with him.

  2. Why would he want to take Fav-ray with him???