Thursday, January 28, 2010

Okay everyone, listen up! Who wants to be the Bears' offensive coordinator? (Crickets chirping ...)

The Bears' drawn out search for an offensive coordinator would be comical if it weren't so pathetic (okay, it's still kind of comical). They're now 0-for-5 in the search. That's a golden sombrero plus one. Or a 0.0 quarterback rating. Use whatever analogy you want, it's bad.

Most of the candidates would have been taking a serious promotion had they become the Bears' offensive coordinator. But apparently the idea of working under Lame Duck Lovie and Jerry Angelo, and working with Jay Cutler and the Bears' offense, is not an appealing proposition.

The most recent suitor who did not requite the Bears' love was Ravens quarterbacks coach Hue Jackson. Now this one I don't get. Jackson turned down the Bears' offer to take the same position with the Oakland Raiders. The Oakland Raiders? Are you serious? That's like choosing Hell over purgatory. Sure, purgatory sucks an' all, and it's hard to think of many things worse. But I can think of one: Hell!

Working under Al Davis? The man's 108! (Or 80. One of the two.) They haven't even sniffed a .500 record since their Super Bowl season in 2002. Their head coach, Tom Cable, narrowly avoided assault charges for allegedly striking ... another coach! Their quarterback is Jamarcus Freakin' Russell!

Jay Cutler has issues, but Jackson chose Russell over him? Russell's QB rating this season was 50, the worst of any QB in the NFL. Russell's QB rating this season was 50, the worst of any QB in the NFL. Yes, I know I just repeated that--I wanted to make sure you really let that sink in. The man was benched twice this season. But you know who still loves him? 108-year-old owner Al Davis. Who still owns the team. Whom Hue Jackson will now be working for. (Rumor has it that Jackson might become the head coach instead of Cable, which would be the only semi-logical explanation for Jackson's decision.)

What are the Bears saying in these interviews?

"We really feel that Jay maxed out on his potential this year, and we just need someone to come in and help him maintain his level of performance." And then the candidate runs out of the office with those cartoon smoke trails behind him.

"We fired Ron Turner because someone had to fall on the axe, but we really want someone to come in here and do exactly what he was doing." And then the candidate presses a button and is ejected clear out of Halas Hall, never to be seen again.

The Bears will soon have to turn to a Pop Warner assistant coach to fill the vacant position. And don't forget--there's still that whole defensive coordinator thing after that!

1 comment:

  1. Maybe this should really be a "humor vault" article.