NFL Visions, Part 2

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

Dallas Cowboys, 4-8

Things aren't blurry for this season--the Cowboys are toast. But things are blurry in general. Will Jason Garrett return? (Probably.) Is Romo really the answer at QB? Can the Cowboys win with Jerry Jones running the show? Romo's injury makes for a convenient excuse for this year, but this team has been struggling to find its way for a decade now.

Indianapolis Colts, 6-6

It's been a long time since you could say the Colts' fortunes were blurry. But injuries to receivers and (of course) Bob Sanders have exposed a lack of depth, and with two more interceptions Manning will have his highest total since 2002. His QB rating is just 16th in the NFL. Not this Sunday but next, the Colts will have a revenge game against Jacksonville, and it appears to be a must-win game if the Colts want to make the playoffs for the ninth straight year.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 7-5

Back-to-back losses have essentially knocked them out of the divisional race, but they remain just one game back in the Wild Card chase. With games against the Redskins, Lions and Seahawks on the horizon, they're not out of it yet.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

Cincinnati Bengals, 2-10

Seriously, what is going on in Cincinnati? Turns out the T Ocho show is awful, but I'm not talking about what airs on Versus. The Bengals have a lame duck coach, a lame quarterback, and they lost on Sunday when they were drawn offsides even though THAT'S ALL THE SAINTS WERE TRYING TO DO. This is perhaps the one thing I could execute successfully if I played in the NFL: line up on the defensive line knowing the opposing quarterback is just going to

shout some sh-t out, and just don't move. It's entirely possible that the offensive lineman would look at me with angry eyes and say something mean-spirited and I would either sh-t my pants, which would certainly get me removed from the remainder of the game but I would still have executed my duty on that particular play; or I might turn around and run away from said lineman, but that too would not result in an offsides penalty. Yeah, I could totally execute that play.

Washington Redskins, 5-7

They're not actually THAT bad, but they have no running game. And they don't have any receivers who can catch. And Donovan McNabb is pretty terrible--the Redskins are definitely going to regret that five-year deal in about, oh, a year-and-a-half. Oh, and their defense isn't very good. It really pisses me off that the Bears lost to this team.

Detroit Lions, 2-10

Suh is awesome, and yeah, Stafford's been injured most of the year. But competitive or not, two wins is still two wins. Which is how many they had last season. Until they finish a few games with more points than the other team, they suck.

Denver Broncos, 3-9

Only Dallas and Arizona give up more points than they do. They're 1-5 on the road and have the fourth-worst point differential in the NFL. Things are so bad that Josh McDaniels done got himself fired on Monday, meaning this organization is clearly lost.

NFL Visions, Part 2

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

AFC Playoff picture
Denver (8-5) and Jacksonville (7-6) would be in if the season ended today (it doesn't), but Miami, the Jets and Baltimore are all 7-6 as well while the Steelers, Texans and Titans are 6-7. Of the teams currently on the outside looking in, Baltimore might be the one to keep an eye on. They get the Bears, Steelers and Raiders in their final three games, while the Jets draw both the Colts and Bengals and the Dolphins have to deal with the Titans, the Texans and the Steelers.

But wait! The Dolphins and Jets trail the Patriots by just one game in the AFC East as well. It looks like Week 17 will have an awful lot to say about this year's playoffs.

New York Giants, 7-6
This has to be the most mercurial team in the NFL this year. They had the highest of expectations heading into the season, which made their 5-0 start rather ho hum. But the four consecutive losses that succeeded it were quite a shock. A win over the Falcons made some--me, at least--believe they were back on track, but then they got obliterated by the Broncos on Thanksgiving and I gave up on them. So, naturally, they beat the Cowboys the following week. But then they gave up 45 points in a loss to the Eagles this past week. Bottom line: if you're a betting man (or woman), take a big, fat, black marker and black out the Giants game each week from your list of betting options. I hope they don't make the playoffs, because that would be one postseason betting option out the window.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

Chicago Bears, 5-8
I've dedicated plenty of ink (er, computer words) to the Bears' suckiness. There's no doubt in my mind that they belong in this category. Three of their five wins were over the Rams, Browns and Lions. Now I realize you can only play the games on your schedule, and a win's a win. But the NFL, with its 16-game schedule, requires fans to scrutinize teams' schedules more closely than in any other sport. If the Bears has played, say, the NFC East rather than the NFC West, their record would probably be 3-10 instead of 5-8. And if that were the case, Halas Hall would be in full out panic mode, rather than "Hm, perhaps we should make a change, but perhaps not" mode.

Every Sunday morning, I get a little excited about the upcoming Bears game (although in recent weeks, I've gone from being a little excited to a little excited to a little excited, but it's still there). But pretty much as soon as the game starts, I remember how dreadfully awful they are and that I don't really like watching them. I'm too much of a fan not to watch, but I wish I could follow the advice of my own category and not look at them. Because they're hideous.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 1-12
Man, what happened to this team? They were 8-4 at one point last year, but lost their last four games. Which makes them 1-16 in their last 17 games. And while QB Josh Freeman was looking good for a while, he threw five interceptions two weeks ago against Carolina, and then three more last week against the Jets. At least his interception total dropped from Week 13 to Week 14. So ... they have that going for them.

Kansas City Chiefs, 3-10
Remember when Matt Cassel had a big year with the Patriots last year, and then he became a free agent, and he signed with the Chiefs? And it was like, "Hm, maybe the Chiefs will be decent this year." Um, no. Cassel has had some decent games this year, but the Chiefs have scored the fifth-fewest points in the league. Not to be out-sucked, the defense has allowed the fourth-most points in the league. Perhaps the most amazing thing about Kansas City's miserable season has been their struggles at home. They've amassed a 140-40 record at Arrowhead since 1990, which is the NFL's best home record in that stretch. But they're just 1-6 there in 2009.

Despite having two wins, the Redskins just might be the worst team in the NFL

The Redskins have played six games, all of them against winless teams. How incredible is that? Of course, four of them aren't winless any more because the Redskins were kind enough to give them their first victory. They lost to the Giants in Week 1, gave the Lions their first win in over a year-and-a-half, blew a 15-point second half lead against the Panthers, and then scored just six points at home to the now 1-5 Chiefs.

And by the way: their two victories consist of a 9-7 win over the Rams in which they got booed at home, and a 16-13 victory over the Bucs. Sorry, Titans fans--the Redskins aren't on your schedule this year.

New refs, new rules

The NBA is officially changing the rule for traveling, saying two steps are allowed instead of just one. So LeBron James's "crab dribble" wasn't cheating, it was forward thinking!

But seriously, the rule used to be one step, and the refs gave them 2.5. How many will they give them now that the rule is two? Three? Five? Will the NBA install those moving walkways that you see in airports?

Or maybe they're utilizing my speed limit philosophy: increase all speed limits by 25 percent, round down to the nearest multiple of five, and cops can feel free to ticket anyone going over the posted speed limit. As opposed to our current system in which the speed limit is the speed minimum and no one has any idea how fast they're actually allowed to go.

Okay, so change the traveling rule to two steps, but call it! I'm okay with that.

A rule that actually needs changing

The first inning of Game 1 between the Angels and Yankees reminded us why baseball needs to add a "team error" scoring to the rulebook. With a runner at second and two outs, Hideki Matsui hit a high pop fly on the infield. The third baseman and shortstop miscommunicated and let it fall between them, and the runner scored from second. This went in the box score as an RBI single. When you imagine a player hitting an RBI single in the playoffs, you don't exactly think of a high pop fly with two fielders standing underneath it. But because no one touched the ball, the official scorer couldn't assign an error.

It's simple: the Angels deserved to have an error counted against them, and Matsui didn't deserve a single nor an RBI. Solution: team error.

A good reason to buy a ball retriever

I've had some bad days on the golf course (and I mean BAD), but none were this bad.

NFL Visions, Part 2

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

San Diego Chargers, 2-1

They eked out a victory against the Raiders, lost at home to Baltimore and then beat a bad, Pennington-less Dolphins team. Tomlinson's penchant for health issues has cropped up again, too, as he has missed the last two games.

Dallas Cowboys, 2-1

Cowboys fans were ready to throw Tony Romo to the wolves (literally. They do that in Texas.) after he lost the opening game of what most people in Texas consider the 8th Wonder of the World, the new Cowboys Stadium. Considering Romo is likely to lose 90-100 percent of their games in December, they need to get off to a good start to have a chance.

New England Patriots, 2-1

They beat Buffalo on a ridiculous fumble, got pantsed by the Jets, and then beat the Falcons at home. Tom Brady looks ... different this year. As in, not as good. You know things are sketchy in New England when a win at home over the Falcons is seen as a surprise by many.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

Browns, Rams, Buccaneers, combined 0-9

Cleveland has a new head coach, they still don't know who their quarterback is because Brady Quinn is freakin' terrible--the LA Times is reporting that they're changing QBs again, switching to Derek Anderson--and they've allowed the most points in the league.

The Rams have the Lions to thank for not being known last year as the laughingstock of the NFL (they were 2-14). They're actually 2-21 in their last 23 games, while the Lions are 2-19 in their last 21. So the Lions have actually been better than the Rams over the last season-and-a-half. Repeat: the Lions have been better than the Rams over the last season-and-a-half.

The Rams have also scored just 24 points this entire season, meaning they have violated a little-known NFL rule; if your coach is older than the number of points you've scored after three games, you have to forfeit the rest of the season. Invoke this rule, Roger Goodell!

The Bucs are also switching quarterbacks, and they have a 33-year-old first-time head coach in Raheem Morris. They've allowed 50 more points than they've scored, and word is the cannon operator at Raymond James Stadium is giving serious consideration to aiming the cannon at the Bucs' sideline. (Full disclosure: I will always have a deep-seated hatred for Tampa Bay because I once lost the regional round of a spelling bee when I misspelled "Buccaneers." I'm pretty sure the other semi-finalist got "turtle" or "umbrella." I could have spelled those words, and I could have correctly spelled any other NFL team name, but I screwed up buccaneer. Stupid. But I'm over it now. Sort of.)