NFL Visions, Part 1

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP

Chicago Bears, 9-3

Boy, there isn't much that a five-game winning streak won't cure, is there? From 4-3 and on the precipice of a lost season to 9-3 and on the precipice of the NFC's #1 seed. The schedule is daunting from here on out, but things are definitely looking up in the Windy City.

New Orleans Saints, 9-3

Boy, there isn't much that a five-game winning ... sorry, I just used that one. But it's true of the Saints as well, whom many wrote off after a middling start. They've scored 30+ points in four straight and are just a game back of the Falcons for the best record in the NFC. Set your DVR: Monday Night Football, December 27, Saints at Falcons.

Jacksonville Jaguars, 7-5

Um, what the f--k? The Jaguars, who at one point fell to 3-4 after losing 30-3 to Tennessee and 42-20 to the Chiefs in back-to-back weeks, are now in first in the AFC South. And yes, the Colts are still in the AFC South. DOES NOT COMPUTE ... DOES NOT COMPUTE ... DOES NOT ... Oops, sorry, bit of a system malfunction there. If Jacksonville wins the Colts' division, there will have to be a lockout next year because the NFL simply won't make sense any more. After all, Jacksonville's in first despite having a worse point differential (-43) than teams like the Browns and Lions.

St. Louis Rams, 6-6

Let us not forget that for all the Lions' horrendous, laughable play over the last couple years, it was actually the Rams who had the first pick in the draft this year after winning just one game last year. One. Just one little teeny, lonesome game. But lo, the Lord did sayeth that their draft pick shall be Sam Bradford, and the Lord did command of him: "Go forth, Sam. Be strong and

courageous, and have a phenomenal touchdown-to-interception ratio. Do not fear, for I am in your heart, and you shall lead your men to a .500 record despite being a rookie. Take hold of the righteous path to which you were called."

THINGS ARE LOOKING DOWN

Miami Dolphins, 6-6

Their loss to Cleveland on Sunday makes them a pathetic 1-5 at home and puts them on the verge of elimination. 6-6 ain't that bad, but it ain't gonna work when you're in the AFC East with the 10-2 Pats and the 9-3 Jets. No wonder Bill Parcells left back in October.

NFC West

Oh my god, does this seriously have to be a division? Are we sure we absolutely have to allow someone from this division into the playoffs? I say we check the rules one more time. ... [flips through NFL rulebook] ... Dammit. All four teams have a negative point differential, and at the moment the Seahawks and Rams are tied for the lead at 6-6. That's really stupid.

San Diego Chargers, 6-6

So you thought you could just lay low early on and then rape the December schedule as usual, huh? Simon says no! Or rather, the Raiders say no. Before this season, the Chargers had won 18 straight December games, tying an NFL record, and had won 13 straight against the Raiders. But a 28-13 loss on Sunday puts San Diego two games back of the Chiefs (the two play this Sunday at 3:15) and two games back in the Wild Card. That means it's entirely possible--likely, even--that the team with the best defense and the second-best offense in the NFL will miss the playoffs.

NFL Visions, Part 2

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

Miami Dolphins, 4-4

Until their loss in Baltimore on Sunday, they were 4-0 on the road and 0-3 at home this season. If they could create any kind of home field advantage, they'd be in great shape right now. But so far, they've been the epitome of mediocrity: 13th in defense, 16th in offense. Their passing game has improved, but it's not a good sign that Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown have combined for three rushing touchdowns on the year.

San Diego Chargers, 4-5

All of a sudden, narrow victories over the Titans and Texans have them showing signs of life. Plus they've reached their bye week and get the lowly Broncos at home in Week 11. On the other hand, they're still a game under .500, trail both the Raiders and Chiefs in their division, and have just the 12th-best record in a strong AFC.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

Dallas Cowboys, 1-7

I don't even have to say anything at this point. And that's awesome.

...

But I can't help it. Seriously, how are they so bad? They've allowed at least 35 points in each of their last three games! Aaron Rodgers was 27-for-34 with three scores. David Garrard lit 'em up for four touchdowns, as did Eli Manning. They're terrible at everything. Just awful. Usually I'm pissed that Detroit's on TV every Thanksgiving, but this year it's Dallas I have no interest in watching. BAD.

San Francisco 49ers, 2-6

They've won as many games in England as they have in America.

Aging veterans who will potentially be in the Hall of Fame one day

-Brett Favre's impressive comeback on Sunday notwithstanding, he has the 27th-best QB rating in the NFL this season and he seems on the verge of death every week. It ain't over yet, but it seems like he may have retired one year too late (assuming he even retires after this season).

-Randy Moss is on his third team and has fewer receiving yards than Jahvid Best, who's a running back. For the Lions. Moss isn't even the best Moss in the NFL this season--Santana Moss has easily outperformed him.

-Donovan McNabb has looked old at times despite being brought to the Redskins to inject some life into a subpar team. Despite not having been pronounced dead or at least horrifically injured, he was replaced in favor of Rex Grossman at the end of a winnable game against Detroit. If getting benched for Rex Grossman doesn't say "You're not having a great season," I don't know what does.

Buffalo Bills, 0-8 and Carolina Panthers, 1-7

Um ... what to say ... At least you're not the Cowboys!

NFL Visions, Part 2

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

San Diego Chargers, 2-4
They really belong in the "down" category, but they're fortunate to be in a s**t division. And this team does have talent, right? How do they keep losing? I don't understand what's going on. That's why they're "blurry"--this team confuses the hell out of me. Is this just their typical slow start before a dominant second half? Or is this team just strangely sucky? If you're inclined to think they're just biding their time as usual, they better be done biding real soon: they face the Patriots, Titans and Texans in their next three.

Minnesota Vikings, 2-3
Lucky bastards got a win in the Craptastic Bowl, which keeps them alive. For now. And in a season where the whole NFC seems sort of poopy, the Vikings are unfortunately not out of it yet if they were to get their s**t together. I hope that does not happen.

Seattle Seahawks, 3-2

I really don't want to talk much about them because I currently hate them and their Bears-beating ways.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

Dallas Cowboys, 1-4
Compared to the Bills and the Panthers of the world, they're not actually hideous. But when AMERICA'S TEAM, a team with JERRY JONES as its owner, playing in a season in which THE FREAKIN' SUPER BOWL IS IN DALLAS, is 1-4, you're gonna have some problems. Plus, they're stuck in what seems to be the NFC's only good division. Don't be surprised if some actual, real-life cowboy down in Texas lassoes Tony Romo's ass as he's walking down the street. The Rangers are better than the Cowboys. I repeat, the Rangers are better than the Cowboys. Texans are not going to stand for that, y'all.

AFC West

The whole damn lot of 'em lost last week. All of 'em. And only one of them won the week before, and that's only because the Raiders and Chargers played each other.

The Chiefs are back to Earth after an unexpected 3-0 start. The Chargers continue to suffer head-scratching losses. The Broncos are nothing special. And the Raiders ... well, they're the Raiders.

But here's the real stat you need to know. This is the good stuff. I'm hookin' you up here. Combined, AFC West teams have fewer wins than the NFC West. That's right. The laughable, awful, amateur NFC West has one more win than the AFC West, and the AFC West has actually played one more game!

I'm sort of starting to hate this division. I was already a bit anti-Denver cuz of Orton. San Diego is always a confusing team and ultimately a tease even when they're good. Kansas City has been terrible for years, though I could get behind them this year if it turns out their 3-0 start wasn't a complete mirage. And unless you were born and raised inside the Oakland Coliseum--I mean if you literally spent at least 10 years of your life inside the stadium and were raised by the guy pictured to the right--then you can't like the Raiders. You just can't.

Buffalo Bills, 0-5

Let's see. This week they head to Baltimore. Loss. Then they go to Kansas City, who may not be for real but Arrowhead is a tough place to play. Loss. Then they get the Bears in Toronto after the Bears' bye week. Loss. Then they get the Lions at home. Lo--. Wait, what? The Lions at home? I think the Lions can definitely take down the Bills, but we have to declare this the first potentially winnable game for the Bills. In Week 10. Ouch.

Carolina Panthers, 0-5

They get San Fran, St. Louis and Tampa Bay three of the next four weeks, so they might just snag a win or two in the next month here. Or maybe not. Because they're now going back to Matt Moore, and Steve Smith is still injured.

My fantasy team
Holy Lord. I was under the impression when I joined a fantasy football league that you're supposed to win sometimes and lose sometimes. You know, you win some you lose some. But I'm the 2008 Lions and 1976 Buccaneers rolled up into one. I'm 0-6. I'm the only winless team in the league. I've scored an atrociously small number of points, though I do have two more than Trevor. Luckily, I've already traded a few of my players for draft picks and "keepers" for next year. But nevertheless, my fantasy team is hideous.

Knock knock. Who's there? Boring playoff games. Boring playoff games who? Boring playoff games suck.

***I am re-posting this entry for two reasons:

1) I have a new picture of Nate Kaeding which I think provides a better sense of just how freakishly small his head is.

2) I realized who Kaeding reminds me of--the guy from Beetlejuice who gets his head shrunk(en?) near the end of the movie. Not so much in terms of the bulging eyes, wrinkled skin, and general Tim Burton-esque nightmarish appearance, but in the sense that his head is extraordinarily small.
















Some thoughts from what was supposed to be The Best Weekend of the Football Season, but instead was An Opportunity to Catch Up on TiVo.

• First--and most importantly--does any athlete have a smaller head than Chargers kicker Nate Kaeding? Michael Tucker would give him a run for his money if he still played baseball, but I can't think of anyone else who's even close. That small-headed son of a bitch missed THREE field goals in a three-point loss to the Jets, meaning my AFC Super Bowl pick is done, kaput.

• And the Vikings ... ugh, the Vikings. They're still alive after completely obliterating the "Am I crazy or weren't the Cowboys just destroying every team in their path and looking pretty unstoppable?" Cowboys. Brett Favre is very, very good. I strongly dislike him, but he is very, very good. I was not pleased at all to see Favre advance to the NFC Championship game, but my sports-hatred of Favre will not waver. My will is strong. I shall hate seven days more.

• I was rooting for the Cowboys to win for another reason as well: to see just how many field goals Shane Suisham could miss in the playoffs, and if Wade Phillips would eventually just end the charade and stop sending him out there. I honestly think that if the Cowboys made it all the way to the Super Bowl, we would have at some point seen Jerry Jones tackle Suisham as he walked out for a field goal attempt.

• For the first time ever, both conference championship games will be played in domes. The only favored team not to win in the Divisional round was the Chargers, who were also the only favored team not playing in a dome. Dome teams are now 4-0 when playing at home in this year's playoffs.
  

NFL Visions, Part 1

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP

Indianapolis Colts and New Orleans Saints, 13-0
It may never again be this easy to peg the teams for which things are looking up this late in the season. Two undefeated teams through Week 14? Seriously?

Only four NFL teams have finished the regular season undefeated: The Bears went 13-0 in 1934 and 11-0 in 1942; the Dolphins are the only team ever to run the table in both the regular season and postseason, going 17-0 in 1972; and the Patriots went 16-0 two years ago. And now, we could be just three weeks away from two teams accomplishing the feat in the same season.

I'll tell you what I'm hoping for: the undefeated Saints vs. the undefeated Colts in Super Bowl XLIV. Not only would it pit the two best quarterbacks and two of the NFL's best offenses against one another, it would also guarantee that we would never again have to hear from Mercury Morris and those stuck up '72 Dolphins. Do they have a right to be proud of what they accomplished? Hell yes. But they don't have a right to annoy the hell out of me with their disrespectful diatribes about how no one else could ever possibly be as good as they were (okay, technically, they do have that right). I submit Exhibit A:



So keep up the good work, Colts and Saints. I hope to see one of you doing a champagne toast to an undefeated season, as opposed to once again hearing the rumors of Nick Buoniconti, Bob Griese and Dick Anderson raising a glass to celebrate the last remaining undefeated team losing its first game of the season.

San Diego Chargers, 10-3
Through Week 6, the Chargers were being very Charger-like--unpredictable and underachieving. They were 2-3 and 3.5 games behind the Broncos in the NFC West. But since then, they've been charging upward in the standings. Having ripped off eight straight wins, they now have a two-game lead in the division and have pounded their way to the second-best record in the AFC. If they can finish strong, they can secure a first-round bye for just the second time since 1995.

Philadelphia Eagles, 9-4
First, the Giants were 5-0 and were going to roll to an easy division title. Then, the Cowboys were 8-3 and were finally going to put it all together to win the East.

But after four straight victories, it's the Eagles who have soared to the top of the division. They've scored at least 23 points in their last five games, DeSean Jackson is ridiculous, Michael Vick is starting to contribute a bit, and they appear primed to make yet another playoff run.

Green Bay Packers, 9-4
Winning streaks galore! The Packers' streak stands at five after they beat the punchless Bears. Though their offensive line could be their downfall if they make the playoffs, a combination of Aaron Rodgers living up to the preseason hype and a defense allowing the second-fewest yards in the league has Green Bay in the playoff pack. If the season ended today, they would be the 5 seed.

I know this is somewhat sacrilegious coming from a Bears fan, but I'm rooting for an eventual Packers-Vikings playoff match-up and a revenge victory for the Packers. I'm still a Packers-hater, no doubt. But I would pay a decent sum of money just to see the shot of Brett Favre on the sideline, his head hanging low as time winds down and his season comes to a painful end at the hands of his former team. Can you imagine how elated Packer Nation would be? Okay, actually, I don't want to imagine that. I do still hate the Packers. But this season, I hate Favre more. And I can't think of a better way for his season--and, one can only hope, his career--to end than with a three-interception game against the team he so royally and selfishly screwed over.

THINGS ARE LOOKING DOWN

Pittsburgh Steelers, 6-7
That looks weird, doesn't it? A losing record for one of the few teams we've become accustomed to seeing in the playoffs every year. They saw postseason action in 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2007 and 2008. Interestingly, their disappointing 2006 season came on the heels of a Super Bowl victory the year prior. They're apparently suffering from a Super Bowl hangover once again as they have lost five straight and lost earlier this season to the Bears. Really, we should have known it was over for them right then. With the two teams who currently hold Wild Card spots (Broncos and Jaguars) losing this week, the Steelers still have an outside chance. But things are certainly looking down for Mike Tomlin's team.

Houston Texans, 6-7
A blowout victory against the Seahawks on Sunday put an end to a four-game losing streak, but this will likely mark the fourth consecutive season of between six and eight wins for the franchise. Head Coach Gary Kubiak has been at the helm each of those years, and many believe this will be the end of the road for him. His Texans always seem to tease their fans and show potential early in the season, but it always amounts to nothing.

Dallas Cowboys, 8-5
December.

If you're a Cowboys fan, you probably just twitched. Or perhaps you involuntarily slammed your head into the nearest hard surface. Just when it looked like the Cowboys were hitting their stride, they lost to the reeling Giants and then to the surging Chargers. With the Saints, Redskins and Eagles remaining on their schedule, Cowboys fans have a lot to fear. For now, they remain in the playoff picture. For now.

NFL Visions, Part 2

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

San Diego Chargers, 2-1

They eked out a victory against the Raiders, lost at home to Baltimore and then beat a bad, Pennington-less Dolphins team. Tomlinson's penchant for health issues has cropped up again, too, as he has missed the last two games.

Dallas Cowboys, 2-1

Cowboys fans were ready to throw Tony Romo to the wolves (literally. They do that in Texas.) after he lost the opening game of what most people in Texas consider the 8th Wonder of the World, the new Cowboys Stadium. Considering Romo is likely to lose 90-100 percent of their games in December, they need to get off to a good start to have a chance.

New England Patriots, 2-1

They beat Buffalo on a ridiculous fumble, got pantsed by the Jets, and then beat the Falcons at home. Tom Brady looks ... different this year. As in, not as good. You know things are sketchy in New England when a win at home over the Falcons is seen as a surprise by many.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

Browns, Rams, Buccaneers, combined 0-9

Cleveland has a new head coach, they still don't know who their quarterback is because Brady Quinn is freakin' terrible--the LA Times is reporting that they're changing QBs again, switching to Derek Anderson--and they've allowed the most points in the league.

The Rams have the Lions to thank for not being known last year as the laughingstock of the NFL (they were 2-14). They're actually 2-21 in their last 23 games, while the Lions are 2-19 in their last 21. So the Lions have actually been better than the Rams over the last season-and-a-half. Repeat: the Lions have been better than the Rams over the last season-and-a-half.

The Rams have also scored just 24 points this entire season, meaning they have violated a little-known NFL rule; if your coach is older than the number of points you've scored after three games, you have to forfeit the rest of the season. Invoke this rule, Roger Goodell!

The Bucs are also switching quarterbacks, and they have a 33-year-old first-time head coach in Raheem Morris. They've allowed 50 more points than they've scored, and word is the cannon operator at Raymond James Stadium is giving serious consideration to aiming the cannon at the Bucs' sideline. (Full disclosure: I will always have a deep-seated hatred for Tampa Bay because I once lost the regional round of a spelling bee when I misspelled "Buccaneers." I'm pretty sure the other semi-finalist got "turtle" or "umbrella." I could have spelled those words, and I could have correctly spelled any other NFL team name, but I screwed up buccaneer. Stupid. But I'm over it now. Sort of.)