NFL Visions, Part 1

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP

Chicago Bears, 9-3

Boy, there isn't much that a five-game winning streak won't cure, is there? From 4-3 and on the precipice of a lost season to 9-3 and on the precipice of the NFC's #1 seed. The schedule is daunting from here on out, but things are definitely looking up in the Windy City.

New Orleans Saints, 9-3

Boy, there isn't much that a five-game winning ... sorry, I just used that one. But it's true of the Saints as well, whom many wrote off after a middling start. They've scored 30+ points in four straight and are just a game back of the Falcons for the best record in the NFC. Set your DVR: Monday Night Football, December 27, Saints at Falcons.

Jacksonville Jaguars, 7-5

Um, what the f--k? The Jaguars, who at one point fell to 3-4 after losing 30-3 to Tennessee and 42-20 to the Chiefs in back-to-back weeks, are now in first in the AFC South. And yes, the Colts are still in the AFC South. DOES NOT COMPUTE ... DOES NOT COMPUTE ... DOES NOT ... Oops, sorry, bit of a system malfunction there. If Jacksonville wins the Colts' division, there will have to be a lockout next year because the NFL simply won't make sense any more. After all, Jacksonville's in first despite having a worse point differential (-43) than teams like the Browns and Lions.

St. Louis Rams, 6-6

Let us not forget that for all the Lions' horrendous, laughable play over the last couple years, it was actually the Rams who had the first pick in the draft this year after winning just one game last year. One. Just one little teeny, lonesome game. But lo, the Lord did sayeth that their draft pick shall be Sam Bradford, and the Lord did command of him: "Go forth, Sam. Be strong and

courageous, and have a phenomenal touchdown-to-interception ratio. Do not fear, for I am in your heart, and you shall lead your men to a .500 record despite being a rookie. Take hold of the righteous path to which you were called."

THINGS ARE LOOKING DOWN

Miami Dolphins, 6-6

Their loss to Cleveland on Sunday makes them a pathetic 1-5 at home and puts them on the verge of elimination. 6-6 ain't that bad, but it ain't gonna work when you're in the AFC East with the 10-2 Pats and the 9-3 Jets. No wonder Bill Parcells left back in October.

NFC West

Oh my god, does this seriously have to be a division? Are we sure we absolutely have to allow someone from this division into the playoffs? I say we check the rules one more time. ... [flips through NFL rulebook] ... Dammit. All four teams have a negative point differential, and at the moment the Seahawks and Rams are tied for the lead at 6-6. That's really stupid.

San Diego Chargers, 6-6

So you thought you could just lay low early on and then rape the December schedule as usual, huh? Simon says no! Or rather, the Raiders say no. Before this season, the Chargers had won 18 straight December games, tying an NFL record, and had won 13 straight against the Raiders. But a 28-13 loss on Sunday puts San Diego two games back of the Chiefs (the two play this Sunday at 3:15) and two games back in the Wild Card. That means it's entirely possible--likely, even--that the team with the best defense and the second-best offense in the NFL will miss the playoffs.

Yay?

Week 13: Bears 17, Rams 9


I haven't felt this bad about a win since ... well, since Week 8 when the Bears beat the Browns 30-6 but managed to look bad doing it.

Watching the Bears squeak out a win against the lowly Rams was like watching your 18-year-old brother beat the 10-year-old from down the street in a race. Sure, he won, but only by three steps? Really? That 10-year-old is overweight! Isn't your brother on the high school track team?

This game simply confirmed what we already knew--the Bears are not in the bottommost tier in the NFL, but they're only one tier above it. They can beat the Rams, the Browns, the Lions, maybe the Bucs, and perhaps the Raiders and Chiefs. But if you bet on 'em against anyone else, it had better be with money you're ready and willing to part with.

They did find a way to keep Cutler from throwing any interceptions: he only threw the ball 17 times. And while it was nice to see a commitment to the running game, the fact that Forte still couldn't break into triple-digits in rushing yards--especially against such a porous run defense (Tim Hightower and Justin Forsett each ran for 100 yards against these guys!)--shows you how bad the ground game truly is.

The whole game felt like it should have been viewed through a toilet seat. I was switching back and forth to other games, and it seemed like every time I flipped to the Bears game someone was punting, losing yards or throwing an incompletion. And that goes for both teams. It's sad that the Bears were playing in one of "those games" that an objective NFL fan would completely ignore while analyzing the slate of games for the upcoming week:

"What do we have this week?"

"Let's see, Philly/Atlanta ..."

"Ooh, not bad."

"We've got Tennessee/Indy ..."

"That should be a good one."

"Bears are playin' the Rams ..."

"Ugh, gross."

But that's where we're at. Next up, a home date with the rival Packers who have won four straight.

Gateway to a win?

The Rams are 1-19 in their last 20 games; their one win was a seven-point victory over the Lions five weeks ago. When they've taken the field this year, they've lost by an average of 15 points, a result of the fact that they have scored the third-fewest points in the league and allowed the third-most.

While most people believe Lovie Smith's job is safe if for no other reason than the fact that Jerry Angelo would have to pay him a pretty penny just to fire him, I think there are two games left on the schedule that could cost him his job: this Sunday's, and the season finale against Detroit. If Lovie can't motivate the Blue and Orange to make the Rams black and blue, then he may get that pink slip after all.

The Bears trounced the Rams last year, winning 27-3 behind Matt Forte's 139 yards on the ground. In fact, the Bears racked up 208 total rushing yards in that game. This is a problem the Rams have yet to correct--they allow just a shade under 150 rushing yards per game this year.

There aren't a lot of positive things to say about this year's Bears, but here's one: when they've played the patsies of the league, they've taken care of business. They doubled up the Lions 48-24 and slaughtered the Browns 30-6. Well, Bears, you get another chance this Sunday. It's time to batter the Rams.

KEYS TO THE GAME

Just put all 11 men in the box. Because Steven Jackson is freakin' ridiculous. He has rushed for 1,000+ yards every year since 2005 despite being on several awful, awful Rams teams. Can you imagine if this guy had an offensive line and a quarterback? He's already eclipsed the 1,000 yard mark this year, and is second only to the Titans' Chris Johnson on the rushing leaderboard. But at least you can afford to devote pretty much all your defensive attention to him, because ...

Kyle Boller sucks. I suppose it's not really fair to call that a "key to the game," but it doesn't make it untrue. Boller didn't play at all in '08, but has been called upon here in '09 because Marc Bulger broke his leg. He actually played respectably last week, but threw one interception that was returned for a TD and another in the end zone (remind you of anyone?). Add in the fact that the Rams' best receiver is some guy named Donnie Avery, and you have a recipe for focusing entirely on Steven Jackson. Seriously, don't even bother to look at anyone else. Just go tackle Jackson whether he has the ball or not.

Trickeration. Watch for it on both sides of the ball. The Rams have nothing to lose while the Bears have finally reached the official point of "We're not going anywhere this year." That's a recipe for onside kicks, double reverses, and other things that drive you nuts if you bet on the spread.

Get off the schnide. Another sad excuse for a "key to the game," but it provides me a means through which I can tell you that the Bears have lost four straight and are trying to avoid losing five straight for the first time since 2002. For Christ's sake, have some respect and get a win already.

Where'd he come from?

QB Kyle Boller, California
RB Steven Jackson, Oregon State
DE James Hall, Michigan

Are you really allowed to dump the water cooler on your coach when you're 1-7?

"Win #1! Win #1!"

All the Rams needed to do to get their first win in over a year was do what everyone else does--play the Lions!

Maybe it's mean of me, but with the Rams falling just two losses shy of tying the Lions' streak of 19 straight, I'm actually sad that they'll never get credit for having been so God-awful over the last couple years. Only the Lions' simultaneous suckiness and the fact that the Rams' streak covered two seasons (as opposed to going 0-16 in a single season) allowed them to fly under the media's Repulsiveness Radar.

Fish Fun

I don't know about you, but I'm having a lot of fun watching the Dolphins this year. Sure, they're only 3-4, but they've won three of their last four and also gave the Saints their only real scare to this point in the season.

When the year began, I thought the Wildcat offense was lame and shortsighted. Sure, you might catch someone off guard with it, but is that really your plan for the whole season? Really?

Really. The Dolphins rush for 170 yards a game. Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams both rank in the top 20 in the league in rushing yards. And Coach Tony Sparano has added plenty of wrinkles to the Wildcat to keep opposing coaches on their toes.

This week's game against the Patriots will likely reveal whether Miami has any staying power whatsoever, but either way, I think they're one of the more enjoyable teams to watch on Sundays.

7th Heaven

But no team is more entertaining than the 7-0 New Orleans Saints. They lead the league with 427 yards/game, which has helped them put up Arena Football-like scores of 48, 48, 46, 45, and 35. In their other two games, they put up measly totals of 27 and 24. How about this--they lead the NFL in points despite the fact that eight of the thirty-two teams have played one more game than they have.

Packer backer?

No, I'm certainly not a Green Bay supporter, but I almost feel a little bad for their fans. I mean, Favre has ripped their collective heart out, thrown it to the ground and stomped all over it (while wearing spikes). For all you mid-90s Bulls fans out there, can you imagine if Michael Jordan had retired, come back to play for the Pistons, and then proceeded to juke, dunk and defend his way to crushing victories over the Bulls, all while jumping around with his hands in the air like a happy little schoolgirl? It's almost too painful to even let the image float through your mind, but Packers fans have had to watch it in real life.

Despite having two wins, the Redskins just might be the worst team in the NFL

The Redskins have played six games, all of them against winless teams. How incredible is that? Of course, four of them aren't winless any more because the Redskins were kind enough to give them their first victory. They lost to the Giants in Week 1, gave the Lions their first win in over a year-and-a-half, blew a 15-point second half lead against the Panthers, and then scored just six points at home to the now 1-5 Chiefs.

And by the way: their two victories consist of a 9-7 win over the Rams in which they got booed at home, and a 16-13 victory over the Bucs. Sorry, Titans fans--the Redskins aren't on your schedule this year.

New refs, new rules

The NBA is officially changing the rule for traveling, saying two steps are allowed instead of just one. So LeBron James's "crab dribble" wasn't cheating, it was forward thinking!

But seriously, the rule used to be one step, and the refs gave them 2.5. How many will they give them now that the rule is two? Three? Five? Will the NBA install those moving walkways that you see in airports?

Or maybe they're utilizing my speed limit philosophy: increase all speed limits by 25 percent, round down to the nearest multiple of five, and cops can feel free to ticket anyone going over the posted speed limit. As opposed to our current system in which the speed limit is the speed minimum and no one has any idea how fast they're actually allowed to go.

Okay, so change the traveling rule to two steps, but call it! I'm okay with that.

A rule that actually needs changing

The first inning of Game 1 between the Angels and Yankees reminded us why baseball needs to add a "team error" scoring to the rulebook. With a runner at second and two outs, Hideki Matsui hit a high pop fly on the infield. The third baseman and shortstop miscommunicated and let it fall between them, and the runner scored from second. This went in the box score as an RBI single. When you imagine a player hitting an RBI single in the playoffs, you don't exactly think of a high pop fly with two fielders standing underneath it. But because no one touched the ball, the official scorer couldn't assign an error.

It's simple: the Angels deserved to have an error counted against them, and Matsui didn't deserve a single nor an RBI. Solution: team error.

A good reason to buy a ball retriever

I've had some bad days on the golf course (and I mean BAD), but none were this bad.

Rams offer 2nd round draft pick to Lions if they'll go back to being the laughingstock of the league

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

ESPN's Page 2 recommends a new logo for the Rams.

ST. LOUIS--In a first-of-its-kind trade offer, the St. Louis Rams have offered the Detroit Lions a 2010 second round draft pick in exchange for the Lions agreeing to once again be known as the laughingstock of the NFL.

"Before their stupid victory over the Redskins in Week 3," said Rams GM Bill Devaney, "football fans all over the country were able to enjoy a good laugh at the expense of the Lions. 'They may never win again!' fans would say. 'They're so terrible!' But now, people are starting to say that about us, and that doesn't feel very good."

With Detroit finally getting into the win column after 19 straight losses, the Rams are on the hot seat of public ridicule due to their current 15-game losing streak. They're averaging less than a touchdown per game on offense this season and have been shut out twice in their five losses.

Needing to escape the spotlight--and admitting that winning a game or two in order to do so is "pretty much out of the question"--Devaney is turning to the trade front in the hopes of luring the Lions into willingly returning to the days when everyone in America could quickly and confidently tell you that Detroit was clearly the worst team in the NFL.

Added Devaney at the end of his press conference: "What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl? The Detroit Lions! ZING! Ohhhhhh, man, that gets me every time. The Lions are so bad ..."

NFL Visions, Part 2

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

San Diego Chargers, 2-1

They eked out a victory against the Raiders, lost at home to Baltimore and then beat a bad, Pennington-less Dolphins team. Tomlinson's penchant for health issues has cropped up again, too, as he has missed the last two games.

Dallas Cowboys, 2-1

Cowboys fans were ready to throw Tony Romo to the wolves (literally. They do that in Texas.) after he lost the opening game of what most people in Texas consider the 8th Wonder of the World, the new Cowboys Stadium. Considering Romo is likely to lose 90-100 percent of their games in December, they need to get off to a good start to have a chance.

New England Patriots, 2-1

They beat Buffalo on a ridiculous fumble, got pantsed by the Jets, and then beat the Falcons at home. Tom Brady looks ... different this year. As in, not as good. You know things are sketchy in New England when a win at home over the Falcons is seen as a surprise by many.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

Browns, Rams, Buccaneers, combined 0-9

Cleveland has a new head coach, they still don't know who their quarterback is because Brady Quinn is freakin' terrible--the LA Times is reporting that they're changing QBs again, switching to Derek Anderson--and they've allowed the most points in the league.

The Rams have the Lions to thank for not being known last year as the laughingstock of the NFL (they were 2-14). They're actually 2-21 in their last 23 games, while the Lions are 2-19 in their last 21. So the Lions have actually been better than the Rams over the last season-and-a-half. Repeat: the Lions have been better than the Rams over the last season-and-a-half.

The Rams have also scored just 24 points this entire season, meaning they have violated a little-known NFL rule; if your coach is older than the number of points you've scored after three games, you have to forfeit the rest of the season. Invoke this rule, Roger Goodell!

The Bucs are also switching quarterbacks, and they have a 33-year-old first-time head coach in Raheem Morris. They've allowed 50 more points than they've scored, and word is the cannon operator at Raymond James Stadium is giving serious consideration to aiming the cannon at the Bucs' sideline. (Full disclosure: I will always have a deep-seated hatred for Tampa Bay because I once lost the regional round of a spelling bee when I misspelled "Buccaneers." I'm pretty sure the other semi-finalist got "turtle" or "umbrella." I could have spelled those words, and I could have correctly spelled any other NFL team name, but I screwed up buccaneer. Stupid. But I'm over it now. Sort of.)