NFL Visions, Part 2

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

Dallas Cowboys, 4-8

Things aren't blurry for this season--the Cowboys are toast. But things are blurry in general. Will Jason Garrett return? (Probably.) Is Romo really the answer at QB? Can the Cowboys win with Jerry Jones running the show? Romo's injury makes for a convenient excuse for this year, but this team has been struggling to find its way for a decade now.

Indianapolis Colts, 6-6

It's been a long time since you could say the Colts' fortunes were blurry. But injuries to receivers and (of course) Bob Sanders have exposed a lack of depth, and with two more interceptions Manning will have his highest total since 2002. His QB rating is just 16th in the NFL. Not this Sunday but next, the Colts will have a revenge game against Jacksonville, and it appears to be a must-win game if the Colts want to make the playoffs for the ninth straight year.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 7-5

Back-to-back losses have essentially knocked them out of the divisional race, but they remain just one game back in the Wild Card chase. With games against the Redskins, Lions and Seahawks on the horizon, they're not out of it yet.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

Cincinnati Bengals, 2-10

Seriously, what is going on in Cincinnati? Turns out the T Ocho show is awful, but I'm not talking about what airs on Versus. The Bengals have a lame duck coach, a lame quarterback, and they lost on Sunday when they were drawn offsides even though THAT'S ALL THE SAINTS WERE TRYING TO DO. This is perhaps the one thing I could execute successfully if I played in the NFL: line up on the defensive line knowing the opposing quarterback is just going to

shout some sh-t out, and just don't move. It's entirely possible that the offensive lineman would look at me with angry eyes and say something mean-spirited and I would either sh-t my pants, which would certainly get me removed from the remainder of the game but I would still have executed my duty on that particular play; or I might turn around and run away from said lineman, but that too would not result in an offsides penalty. Yeah, I could totally execute that play.

Washington Redskins, 5-7

They're not actually THAT bad, but they have no running game. And they don't have any receivers who can catch. And Donovan McNabb is pretty terrible--the Redskins are definitely going to regret that five-year deal in about, oh, a year-and-a-half. Oh, and their defense isn't very good. It really pisses me off that the Bears lost to this team.

Detroit Lions, 2-10

Suh is awesome, and yeah, Stafford's been injured most of the year. But competitive or not, two wins is still two wins. Which is how many they had last season. Until they finish a few games with more points than the other team, they suck.

Denver Broncos, 3-9

Only Dallas and Arizona give up more points than they do. They're 1-5 on the road and have the fourth-worst point differential in the NFL. Things are so bad that Josh McDaniels done got himself fired on Monday, meaning this organization is clearly lost.

NFL Visions, Part 2

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

Miami Dolphins, 4-4

Until their loss in Baltimore on Sunday, they were 4-0 on the road and 0-3 at home this season. If they could create any kind of home field advantage, they'd be in great shape right now. But so far, they've been the epitome of mediocrity: 13th in defense, 16th in offense. Their passing game has improved, but it's not a good sign that Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown have combined for three rushing touchdowns on the year.

San Diego Chargers, 4-5

All of a sudden, narrow victories over the Titans and Texans have them showing signs of life. Plus they've reached their bye week and get the lowly Broncos at home in Week 11. On the other hand, they're still a game under .500, trail both the Raiders and Chiefs in their division, and have just the 12th-best record in a strong AFC.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

Dallas Cowboys, 1-7

I don't even have to say anything at this point. And that's awesome.

...

But I can't help it. Seriously, how are they so bad? They've allowed at least 35 points in each of their last three games! Aaron Rodgers was 27-for-34 with three scores. David Garrard lit 'em up for four touchdowns, as did Eli Manning. They're terrible at everything. Just awful. Usually I'm pissed that Detroit's on TV every Thanksgiving, but this year it's Dallas I have no interest in watching. BAD.

San Francisco 49ers, 2-6

They've won as many games in England as they have in America.

Aging veterans who will potentially be in the Hall of Fame one day

-Brett Favre's impressive comeback on Sunday notwithstanding, he has the 27th-best QB rating in the NFL this season and he seems on the verge of death every week. It ain't over yet, but it seems like he may have retired one year too late (assuming he even retires after this season).

-Randy Moss is on his third team and has fewer receiving yards than Jahvid Best, who's a running back. For the Lions. Moss isn't even the best Moss in the NFL this season--Santana Moss has easily outperformed him.

-Donovan McNabb has looked old at times despite being brought to the Redskins to inject some life into a subpar team. Despite not having been pronounced dead or at least horrifically injured, he was replaced in favor of Rex Grossman at the end of a winnable game against Detroit. If getting benched for Rex Grossman doesn't say "You're not having a great season," I don't know what does.

Buffalo Bills, 0-8 and Carolina Panthers, 1-7

Um ... what to say ... At least you're not the Cowboys!

Cubs will watch another drought end--just not theirs

As a Cubs fan, which would be worse: To see a team that had never before won a postseason series (the Rangers) win it all before the Cubs do? Or to see a team that hasn't won since 1954 when they were 3,000 miles away in New York take the title?

In the last seven years, we've seen the Red Sox end the Curse of the Bambino, the White Sox avenge the scandal of 1919, and the Phillies end a 100-season title drought in the city of Philadelphia. And this year, either the 38-year-old Rangers will get their first ring, or the Giants will get their first since moving across the country in 1957.

Oh well. I'd much rather see this situation than see the Yankees win it again or the suddenly dynastic Phillies take it.

NFL's evil empires start season slow

There's a lot to pay attention to in an NFL season (especially if you have a fantasy football team and pick every game based on the spread), but I am getting immense enjoyment out of the Vikings' and Cowboys' early struggles. The two teams are a combined 3-9. Add the Packers in and the three of them are just 7-12. It's like watching the Cardinals tread water while the Yankees and White Sox fall apart before the All-Star break. It's fantastic. On top of that, Romo is out 6-8 weeks while Brett Favre has a fractured ankle and a texting thumb that is apparently all too healthy. I'm certainly nervous about the team I love and their very tenuous hold on first place, but the flame of my sports-hate is burning brightly this season.

NFL Visions, Part 2

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

San Diego Chargers, 2-4
They really belong in the "down" category, but they're fortunate to be in a s**t division. And this team does have talent, right? How do they keep losing? I don't understand what's going on. That's why they're "blurry"--this team confuses the hell out of me. Is this just their typical slow start before a dominant second half? Or is this team just strangely sucky? If you're inclined to think they're just biding their time as usual, they better be done biding real soon: they face the Patriots, Titans and Texans in their next three.

Minnesota Vikings, 2-3
Lucky bastards got a win in the Craptastic Bowl, which keeps them alive. For now. And in a season where the whole NFC seems sort of poopy, the Vikings are unfortunately not out of it yet if they were to get their s**t together. I hope that does not happen.

Seattle Seahawks, 3-2

I really don't want to talk much about them because I currently hate them and their Bears-beating ways.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

Dallas Cowboys, 1-4
Compared to the Bills and the Panthers of the world, they're not actually hideous. But when AMERICA'S TEAM, a team with JERRY JONES as its owner, playing in a season in which THE FREAKIN' SUPER BOWL IS IN DALLAS, is 1-4, you're gonna have some problems. Plus, they're stuck in what seems to be the NFC's only good division. Don't be surprised if some actual, real-life cowboy down in Texas lassoes Tony Romo's ass as he's walking down the street. The Rangers are better than the Cowboys. I repeat, the Rangers are better than the Cowboys. Texans are not going to stand for that, y'all.

AFC West

The whole damn lot of 'em lost last week. All of 'em. And only one of them won the week before, and that's only because the Raiders and Chargers played each other.

The Chiefs are back to Earth after an unexpected 3-0 start. The Chargers continue to suffer head-scratching losses. The Broncos are nothing special. And the Raiders ... well, they're the Raiders.

But here's the real stat you need to know. This is the good stuff. I'm hookin' you up here. Combined, AFC West teams have fewer wins than the NFC West. That's right. The laughable, awful, amateur NFC West has one more win than the AFC West, and the AFC West has actually played one more game!

I'm sort of starting to hate this division. I was already a bit anti-Denver cuz of Orton. San Diego is always a confusing team and ultimately a tease even when they're good. Kansas City has been terrible for years, though I could get behind them this year if it turns out their 3-0 start wasn't a complete mirage. And unless you were born and raised inside the Oakland Coliseum--I mean if you literally spent at least 10 years of your life inside the stadium and were raised by the guy pictured to the right--then you can't like the Raiders. You just can't.

Buffalo Bills, 0-5

Let's see. This week they head to Baltimore. Loss. Then they go to Kansas City, who may not be for real but Arrowhead is a tough place to play. Loss. Then they get the Bears in Toronto after the Bears' bye week. Loss. Then they get the Lions at home. Lo--. Wait, what? The Lions at home? I think the Lions can definitely take down the Bills, but we have to declare this the first potentially winnable game for the Bills. In Week 10. Ouch.

Carolina Panthers, 0-5

They get San Fran, St. Louis and Tampa Bay three of the next four weeks, so they might just snag a win or two in the next month here. Or maybe not. Because they're now going back to Matt Moore, and Steve Smith is still injured.

My fantasy team
Holy Lord. I was under the impression when I joined a fantasy football league that you're supposed to win sometimes and lose sometimes. You know, you win some you lose some. But I'm the 2008 Lions and 1976 Buccaneers rolled up into one. I'm 0-6. I'm the only winless team in the league. I've scored an atrociously small number of points, though I do have two more than Trevor. Luckily, I've already traded a few of my players for draft picks and "keepers" for next year. But nevertheless, my fantasy team is hideous.

NFL Visions, Part 2

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

Houston Texans, 2-1

Don't get me wrong--they deserve credit for finally beating the Colts and looking like they have the talent to be a serious contender in the AFC. But that pass defense ... They've already allowed over 1,100 yards passing, second-most of any team through three games since 1950. If they let guys make any more successful passes, they'd be Kim Kardashian (Oooh, burned! Actually, I barely even know who she is. Would we say this joke is accurate? Is Kim Kardashian a slut?). Yes, it was impressive that they came from 17 points down to beat the Redskins in Week 2, but it's kind of a problem that they were down by 17 in the first place. This is a good team, but it was a bit premature to anoint them the best team in the AFC (as ESPN's power rankings did after Week 2).

Dallas Cowboys, 1-2

This feels like the definition of blurry to me. We all know they have tons of talent (Romo,

Marion Barber, Miles Austin, Jason Witten, DeMarcus Ware, Dez Bryant, et al) and they're one holding penalty away from being 2-1. But they are in fact 1-2 and lost to the Bears at home as well as to a Redskins team who turned around and lost to the Rams (a game that turned my fantasy week into a nightmare). Just as it's hard to really pin down how good Romo is, it's tough to know for sure whether the Cowboys are a contender or a pretender.

Seattle Seahawks, 2-1

Murdered the 49ers, got owned by the Broncos and then beat the Chargers. 2-0 at home but 0-1 on the road. They did have two kick returns for touchdowns against the Chargers, a feat they're unlikely to repeat, so that takes a little something away from Sunday's win in my opinion. I still lean toward them being an average team, but suddenly Pete Carroll and his crazy, unimpeded optimism are tied at the top of the NFC West, three full games ahead of the Niners.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

San Francisco 49ers, 0-3

Hey, we were just talking about them, what great timing! Did you just hear that series of thuds? Don't worry, that was just the sound of thousands of people jumping out of the 49ers bandwagon as if it was on fire. Speaking of fire, they fired offensive coordinator Jimmy Raye after scoring just 38 points in their first three games. They're the only team in the pathetic, pathetic NFC West without a win, meaning they're looking up at the Cardinals, Seahawks and Rams. Looking up at a seahawk or cardinal isn't so bad, but have you ever looked up at a ram? I've learned a few important lessons in my life, and one of them is that you don't want to be looking up at a ram.

Buffalo Bills, 0-3

They've already changed quarterbacks, every fantasy football player who was drooling over C.J. Spiller is livid, and they've kindly allowed the most points in the NFL (tied with the Niners).

Cleveland Browns and Carolina Panthers, both 0-3

There are too many terrible teams and I lack the mental energy to make fun of them all separately, so I'm combining these two. I'll just say that the Browns are awaiting the return of a starting quarterback who is clearly colorblind while the Panthers suddenly have a nonexistent running game and Jimmy Claussen at QB. These teams are bad at football.

Bears find several stars in Lone Star State

The Bears needed to win at least once during Weeks 2-4--at Dallas, vs. Packers and at Giants--in order to arrive at the season's quarter-mark alive and kicking. They did not take their time searching for that victory.

How 'bout them Bears, huh?! Turns out they're not allergic to fundamental football: zero turnovers and just two penalties in the biggest NFL stadium in the world. It was a clean, competitive game that saw the Bears come out on top, making them one of eight undefeated teams through Week 2. It's the first time they've started a season 2-0 since 2006. There was something else interesting about the Bears' 2006 season, I just can't remember what it was ...

(I interrupt this regularly scheduled blog post to report that Brett Favre and the Vikings are 0-2. I repeat: The Vikings have not won at football this year and have scored 19 points in two games.)

The Bears were actually outgained by over 100 yards and rushed for just 38 yards, but Cutler lit it up again, going 21-for-29 for 277 yards and three TDs. Apparently Cutler eats awesome for breakfast, defenses for lunch and crazy awesome for dinner, because he has the highest QB rating in the league. Four different receivers had at least four receptions and what ... what the hell is going on with Matt Forte? Five more catches for 37 yards and a TD catch on which he was lined up out wide. Apparently Matt Forte is some sort of futuristic half running back/half receiver machine. I am okay with this.

(Brett Favre had a fumble and three interceptions on Sunday. Ha. Hahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. He is evil and he deserves any terrible fate that befalls him.)

I'll be honest: I did not know D.J. Moore's name until after the first game. But I know it now. Twice he played receiver for Tony Romo, giving the Bears the turnover edge they needed. Urlacher added a fumble recovery as well.

Lastly, let's talk about the best. Run. Defense. In the league. Fifty-six total yards allowed on the ground in two games, average of 1.4 yards per carry. "Hello, other team. What's that? You want some rushing yards? Oh, no problem, how about 1.4 of them? Would you like 1.4 rushing yards per carry? Would you like that? Because THAT'S ALL YOU GET!"

(Brett Favre is a grandpa. Do you think his memory is good enough to remember the last time he won a football game?)

Let's enjoy this one more time, shall we? 'Til next week.

Everything's bigger in Texas--especially Cowboys Stadium

The Bears and Cowboys faced off just twice in the aughts (is that what we say? The aughts?), with the Cowboys winning by 14 in 2004 and by 24 in 2007. In fact, the Bears haven't toppled Jerry Jones's boys since 1998 when Erik Kramer and Edgar Bennett led them to a 13-12 victory.

The pundits have the Cowboys anywhere from a Super Bowl contender to an overrated sub-.500 team this year. Their fans are no doubt a little concerned after an ugly 13-7 loss to the Redskins Sunday night in which they committed 12 penalties including one on the final play that cost them the win. Their defense looked strong, however, as seven of Washington's 13 points came as the result of a boneheaded play at the end of the first half in which a Tony Romo screen pass led to a fumble return for a touchdown.

This will be the first game of 2010 at the new Cowboys Stadium where Dallas was 6-2 last year. The 80,000+ fans will no doubt be pumped, the Cowboys will be desperate to avoid starting the season 0-2, and the Bears will get a big road test after failing six of eight times away

from home last season.

Keys to the Game

How good will Marc Colombo be in his first game back? It's likely that the right tackle (and former Bear) will in fact be back after missing the opener due to a knee injury. His absence cost the Cowboys dearly as his replacement Alex Barron committed multiple penalties including the one at the end of the game. But will Colombo be ready for a full 60 minutes of action?

Contain Miles Austin. Dallas is clearly out to prove that Austin's surprise success last year was no fluke--he caught 10 passes for 146 yards last week along with a TD, amassing more than half of his team's receiving yards. It's unlikely the Bears will be able to shut him down completely, and containing him may require some double teams even with Dez Bryant and Roy Williams on the field with him.

Win the turnover battle. Rather obvious, of course, but a glaring issue after the Bears fumbled away three balls and threw an interception against Detroit. The Cowboys essentially lost their opener on the end-of-first-half fumble as well. This could be a tight game and turnovers, as always, could be crucial.

Knock knock. Who's there? Boring playoff games. Boring playoff games who? Boring playoff games suck.

***I am re-posting this entry for two reasons:

1) I have a new picture of Nate Kaeding which I think provides a better sense of just how freakishly small his head is.

2) I realized who Kaeding reminds me of--the guy from Beetlejuice who gets his head shrunk(en?) near the end of the movie. Not so much in terms of the bulging eyes, wrinkled skin, and general Tim Burton-esque nightmarish appearance, but in the sense that his head is extraordinarily small.
















Some thoughts from what was supposed to be The Best Weekend of the Football Season, but instead was An Opportunity to Catch Up on TiVo.

• First--and most importantly--does any athlete have a smaller head than Chargers kicker Nate Kaeding? Michael Tucker would give him a run for his money if he still played baseball, but I can't think of anyone else who's even close. That small-headed son of a bitch missed THREE field goals in a three-point loss to the Jets, meaning my AFC Super Bowl pick is done, kaput.

• And the Vikings ... ugh, the Vikings. They're still alive after completely obliterating the "Am I crazy or weren't the Cowboys just destroying every team in their path and looking pretty unstoppable?" Cowboys. Brett Favre is very, very good. I strongly dislike him, but he is very, very good. I was not pleased at all to see Favre advance to the NFC Championship game, but my sports-hatred of Favre will not waver. My will is strong. I shall hate seven days more.

• I was rooting for the Cowboys to win for another reason as well: to see just how many field goals Shane Suisham could miss in the playoffs, and if Wade Phillips would eventually just end the charade and stop sending him out there. I honestly think that if the Cowboys made it all the way to the Super Bowl, we would have at some point seen Jerry Jones tackle Suisham as he walked out for a field goal attempt.

• For the first time ever, both conference championship games will be played in domes. The only favored team not to win in the Divisional round was the Chargers, who were also the only favored team not playing in a dome. Dome teams are now 4-0 when playing at home in this year's playoffs.
  

Six reasons no NFC team can make it to the Super Bowl

Okay, I suppose it's true that one NFC team has to make to the Super Bowl, but good luck figuring out which one it'll be. All six teams on the NFC side of the playoff bracket have pretty serious weaknesses, and it's hard to even pinpoint a favorite. While it would be rather surprising not to see either the Chargers or Colts come out of the AFC, it's difficult to recall a conference being as wide open as the NFC is this year.

Here's why each NFC team can't make it to the Super Bowl, in order of strength of reason they won't do so:

Cardinals

Their 10 wins are the fewest of any NFC playoff team, they had a running back go over 100 yards exactly twice the entire season, and both receiver Anquan Boldin (over 1,000 yards receiving) and cornerback Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie (six interceptions) were injured in the season finale.

Does that sound like a team on its way to the Super Bowl?

Saints

After torching the Patriots for 38 points on Monday Night Football, they were 11-0 and pretty much unstoppable. But it's been an awfully bumpy ride since then. Their 33-30 overtime win against the Redskins was something you couldn't get away with in a movie--it included a fumble return for a touchdown on the tail end of a Drew Brees interception with no time left in the first half, and a missed 23-yard chip shot field goal by Shaun Suisham that would have iced it.

They then edged Atlanta 26-23 despite the fact that the Falcons were relegated to their backup QB and backup RB. Next was the loss to Dallas, then a loss to the Bucs at home, and finally a giveaway game against Carolina.

My point is, they didn't simply lose to Dallas and then choose to pack it in. They "should" have lost before Dallas ruined their perfect season, and they've played like a very average team since Week 13. They were the class of the NFC for much of the season, but is that really still the case?

Eagles

Andy Reid's bunch lost to the Cowboys twice this year, and will have to play in Jerry Jones's new palace in the first round. They also lost their center Jamaal Jackson, a key part of their offensive line, and the Cowboys made their offense look absolutely silly in last week's game.

The Eagles had a solid season, but do you really want to hitch your wagon to a one-dimensional offense that's overly reliant on the big play?

Vikings

They were able to avoid their fourth loss in five games by beating the Giants in Week 17, but the latter part of their season was still ugly. Arguments between Childress and Favre, blowout losses to the Cardinals and Panthers, and--here's the most important thing--Adrian Peterson did not rush for 100 yards in any of their last seven games.

Can you get behind a struggling team with an aging quarterback who has stolen the reins from the NFL's premier running back?

Cowboys

Sorry, but it's going to continue to be a fair question until there's a different answer to it: Can Tony Romo win in January? The December slide ended with a flourish as Dallas won their final three games to steal the NFC East and the three seed. But I'll tell you this: with visions of a dropped field goal snap dancing in their heads, no one is less confident about the Cowboys' chances this Saturday than Cowboys fans themselves.

Packers

They went 7-1 in the second half of the season and Aaron Rodgers has been lights out. So what's the problem?

Two of them, actually:

1) They still can't protect Aaron Rodgers. He took 50 sacks this season, tied for most in the league with Ben Roethlisberger. In fairness, the sacks have dropped off in recent weeks, but expect teams to bring the heat in the playoffs.

2) I know, I know, all you can do is win the games on your schedule. But their 7-1 finish included wins over the 49ers, Lions, Bears, Seahawks, and a Cardinals team that wasn't even trying to win.

The Packers are the hottest team in the NFC heading into the playoffs, but do you really believe in them?

A guy named Norval

For a good read, check out Rick Reilly's latest column on Chargers coach Norv Turner.

NFL Visions, Part 1

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP

Indianapolis Colts and New Orleans Saints, 13-0
It may never again be this easy to peg the teams for which things are looking up this late in the season. Two undefeated teams through Week 14? Seriously?

Only four NFL teams have finished the regular season undefeated: The Bears went 13-0 in 1934 and 11-0 in 1942; the Dolphins are the only team ever to run the table in both the regular season and postseason, going 17-0 in 1972; and the Patriots went 16-0 two years ago. And now, we could be just three weeks away from two teams accomplishing the feat in the same season.

I'll tell you what I'm hoping for: the undefeated Saints vs. the undefeated Colts in Super Bowl XLIV. Not only would it pit the two best quarterbacks and two of the NFL's best offenses against one another, it would also guarantee that we would never again have to hear from Mercury Morris and those stuck up '72 Dolphins. Do they have a right to be proud of what they accomplished? Hell yes. But they don't have a right to annoy the hell out of me with their disrespectful diatribes about how no one else could ever possibly be as good as they were (okay, technically, they do have that right). I submit Exhibit A:



So keep up the good work, Colts and Saints. I hope to see one of you doing a champagne toast to an undefeated season, as opposed to once again hearing the rumors of Nick Buoniconti, Bob Griese and Dick Anderson raising a glass to celebrate the last remaining undefeated team losing its first game of the season.

San Diego Chargers, 10-3
Through Week 6, the Chargers were being very Charger-like--unpredictable and underachieving. They were 2-3 and 3.5 games behind the Broncos in the NFC West. But since then, they've been charging upward in the standings. Having ripped off eight straight wins, they now have a two-game lead in the division and have pounded their way to the second-best record in the AFC. If they can finish strong, they can secure a first-round bye for just the second time since 1995.

Philadelphia Eagles, 9-4
First, the Giants were 5-0 and were going to roll to an easy division title. Then, the Cowboys were 8-3 and were finally going to put it all together to win the East.

But after four straight victories, it's the Eagles who have soared to the top of the division. They've scored at least 23 points in their last five games, DeSean Jackson is ridiculous, Michael Vick is starting to contribute a bit, and they appear primed to make yet another playoff run.

Green Bay Packers, 9-4
Winning streaks galore! The Packers' streak stands at five after they beat the punchless Bears. Though their offensive line could be their downfall if they make the playoffs, a combination of Aaron Rodgers living up to the preseason hype and a defense allowing the second-fewest yards in the league has Green Bay in the playoff pack. If the season ended today, they would be the 5 seed.

I know this is somewhat sacrilegious coming from a Bears fan, but I'm rooting for an eventual Packers-Vikings playoff match-up and a revenge victory for the Packers. I'm still a Packers-hater, no doubt. But I would pay a decent sum of money just to see the shot of Brett Favre on the sideline, his head hanging low as time winds down and his season comes to a painful end at the hands of his former team. Can you imagine how elated Packer Nation would be? Okay, actually, I don't want to imagine that. I do still hate the Packers. But this season, I hate Favre more. And I can't think of a better way for his season--and, one can only hope, his career--to end than with a three-interception game against the team he so royally and selfishly screwed over.

THINGS ARE LOOKING DOWN

Pittsburgh Steelers, 6-7
That looks weird, doesn't it? A losing record for one of the few teams we've become accustomed to seeing in the playoffs every year. They saw postseason action in 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2007 and 2008. Interestingly, their disappointing 2006 season came on the heels of a Super Bowl victory the year prior. They're apparently suffering from a Super Bowl hangover once again as they have lost five straight and lost earlier this season to the Bears. Really, we should have known it was over for them right then. With the two teams who currently hold Wild Card spots (Broncos and Jaguars) losing this week, the Steelers still have an outside chance. But things are certainly looking down for Mike Tomlin's team.

Houston Texans, 6-7
A blowout victory against the Seahawks on Sunday put an end to a four-game losing streak, but this will likely mark the fourth consecutive season of between six and eight wins for the franchise. Head Coach Gary Kubiak has been at the helm each of those years, and many believe this will be the end of the road for him. His Texans always seem to tease their fans and show potential early in the season, but it always amounts to nothing.

Dallas Cowboys, 8-5
December.

If you're a Cowboys fan, you probably just twitched. Or perhaps you involuntarily slammed your head into the nearest hard surface. Just when it looked like the Cowboys were hitting their stride, they lost to the reeling Giants and then to the surging Chargers. With the Saints, Redskins and Eagles remaining on their schedule, Cowboys fans have a lot to fear. For now, they remain in the playoff picture. For now.

Jerry Jones wants to be more involved, will play tight end and free safety for remainder of season

From the Wait 'til this Year Humor Vault

Jerry Jones, shown here practicing his ass patting.

DALLAS--Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, possibly the most involved owner in the history of sports, has gotten the itch to be even more involved with his team. For this reason, he announced on Wednesday that he plans to play both tight end and free safety for the remainder of this season, and possibly beyond.

"I've always taken a very active role with this organization," said Jones. "But it's time to get serious. Standing on the sideline during games? Giving injury updates to the media? That stuff's for pansies. I'm ready to really get involved. Gimme some pads, motherf**kers!!"

While Jones did play college football, he is now 67 years old. But if he's known for anything, it's for being a crazy son of a bitch. When asked if this might be a slightly selfish decision not in the best interest of the team, Jones simply put on a cowboy hat (not a Cowboys hat, a cowboy hat) and said "Yee-ha!" When the reporter followed up by asking if Jones really believes he can keep up on the field, Jones shot a pistol into the air and told the reporter he was fired.

Jones added that he might try kicking a field goal as well, but only if it's a game-winning field goal as time expires.

Those I love to hate, Part 2

Romo and the 'Boys

Oh, it's December already? We've had some unseasonably warm weather and didn't get any snow until this week, but I could have sworn I saw the Cowboys lose to an inferior team on Sunday. Let me check my calendar here ... yup, it's December!

I may or may not have been (emphasis on "may") a 49ers fan when I was younger, and it was this devotion that planted the seed of my enmity for "America's team." It's the fact that they're often referred to as "America's team" that makes me still hate them. And the fact that Jerry Jones is the owner, that provides some water and sunlight for the seed as well. And also the fact that approximately 72 percent of the players on their roster in the mid-90s were at one point convicted of a felony. Oh, and the fact that Emmitt Smith holds the all-time rushing record even though I could have gained at least 8,000 career rushing yards with that O-line. Emmitt was good, no doubt, but he was no Barry Sanders, and he was no Walter Payton.

So anyways, suffice to say that I've enjoyed the hell out of the Cowboys' 13-year drought without a playoff victory. Can you believe that? Way back in 1996 they beat the Vikings to earn a spot in the NFC Championship game, which they lost to Carolina. Since then, they've been to the playoffs four times and are 0-4. It's beautiful! As far as I'm concerned, they could put a picture of Romo fumbling the extra point snap against the Seahawks in the Louvre. If I were walking around the Louvre and came upon that picture, my eyes would be transfixed and I would probably shed a tear. "It's so ... it's so beautiful." (By the way, it was announced today that Romo will once again be the holder on place kicks, after a three-year layoff.)

And it's beautiful to be a Dallas hater in December. They're 5-11 after December 1 since 2006. And what do we have here? A 31-24 loss to the reeling Giants to kick off the December slate this year, with games coming up against the Chargers and Saints. The seed is strong. It grows. May it blossom.

The BCS

Was anyone else rooting really, really hard for Nebraska to beat Texas on Saturday so that all hell would break loose in the BCS? We came a last-second field goal from complete chaos.

I love college football, but the fact that there's no playoff system really takes some of the air out of it for me. Every other sport--including Division II and Division III football--has a playoff system, but not the FBS. If Cincinnati beats Florida in the Sugar Bowl, and therefore finishes the season undefeated, in what way is it clear that the winner of the so-called "title game" is in fact better than Cincy? What proof do we have that the winner of the TCU-Boise State game is not better than the winner of the title game?

From a logical standpoint, a playoff system seems rather obvious to me. Many people argue that it's not viable from a financial standpoint. But why not? March Madness, the biggest playoff system in all of sports, is perhaps the most followed postseason in all of professional and college sports. If they held an eight-team playoff this year, the match-ups would look like this:

1 Alabama vs. 8 Ohio State
2 Texas vs. 7 Oregon
3 Cincinnati vs. 6 Boise State
4 TCU vs. 5 Florida

Let's just assume all the favorites would win. That would set up:

1 Alabama vs. 4 TCU
2 Texas vs. 3 Cincinnati

And finally:

1 Alabama vs. 2 Texas

Would you not tune in for most if not all of those games? People are programmed to like playoffs. Win and you go on, lose and you go home. As I said about March Madness earlier in the year, it feels natural. Darwinian. The current system seems contrived and leaves you feeling empty inside.

And keep the sponsors for all I care. Alabama vs. Ohio State can be the Sugar Bowl. Fine. Whatever. Call 'em whatever you want. And they can still play all the other bowl games too. Having a playoff doesn't preclude other games from taking place. Sort of like the NIT in college basketball. It seems impossible to me that they couldn't find a way to make a crapload of money on a playoff system. (Side note: I admit that I don't know how all the logistics would work, i.e. when and where all the games would be played. But I'm confident that someone could figure it out.)

And lastly, I don't accept the argument about someone "getting left out." Someone is always left out. It happens in baseball, football, March Madness (and now they've added that 65th team, who gets to play for the opportunity to get their ass kicked by one of the best teams in the country), and every other sport. Even as it is, someone gets left out. Are Virginia Tech, Penn State and LSU clearly undeserving of a spot in a BCS bowl game?

But I digress. That Nebraska-Texas game almost provided some of the ammunition needed to bring the BCS to its knees. I guess I'll go on hating it for another year.

Top billing

Is there a better rivalry in sports than Patriots-Colts? Maybe Red Sox-Yankees, maybe Lakers-Celtics. But pretty much every year, you can count on a big-time battle between two teams vying for home field in the playoffs, and that game is likely to be decided in the final two minutes. And many years, you can look forward to an even more exciting postseason match-up. (Despite a formulaic regular season scheduling process, the two teams have played every year since 2003, and also met in the postseason in '04, '05 and '07.)

Four Super Bowl trophies between them in this decade. Tom Brady. Peyton Manning. Two high-octane offenses. The white collar, dome-homed Colts. The blue-collar Pats in the Foxborough snow. Belichick and Dungy (and now Caldwell).

And it was Belichick who added the newest layer of drama to this rivalry already thick with exciting chapter after exciting chapter. Going for it on 4th-and-2 from their own 28 with just over two minutes to go and a six-point lead?

Wow.

Methinks Bill's hoodie was blocking his view of the scoreboard. Yes, there's a good chance that Manning marches the Colts down the field even if they start at their own 20 or 30. But you have to make him score the touchdown, not let him. Manning doesn't even need to put his cleats on to go 28 yards. Twenty-eight yards for him is taking candy from a baby. Seventy-five yards is at least candy from a teenager, or a remarkably strong and determined baby.

And for the defense to stop Manning from going down the field certainly wasn't out of the question given that he threw two interceptions in the second half and the Pats defense forced five first half punts by the Colts.

But despite all that, I can't help but appreciate the balls and bravado behind that call. Who else does that? He's gone for it on fourth down 16 times against the Colts, and that was only the fourth time they've failed to convert. It was the wrong call, but it was as gutsy as it gets. And there's something cool about that. Unless, of course, you're on the Patriots side of this great rivalry.

The beauty of the bye week

What's going on with bye weeks this year? Apparently the best thing you can do in the NFL is take Sunday off.

Week 6: Cowboys get a bye while the Eagles, Giants and Redskins lose.

Week 9: Vikings are off while the Bears, Packers and Lions stumble.

Week 10: The Giants, who have lost four in a row, finally get a break from losing thanks to their bye week. And the teams they're chasing--the Cowboys and Eagles--allow them right back into the thick of the NFC East race with road losses.

Do the Bears get another bye?

NFL Visions, Part 2

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

San Diego Chargers, 2-1

They eked out a victory against the Raiders, lost at home to Baltimore and then beat a bad, Pennington-less Dolphins team. Tomlinson's penchant for health issues has cropped up again, too, as he has missed the last two games.

Dallas Cowboys, 2-1

Cowboys fans were ready to throw Tony Romo to the wolves (literally. They do that in Texas.) after he lost the opening game of what most people in Texas consider the 8th Wonder of the World, the new Cowboys Stadium. Considering Romo is likely to lose 90-100 percent of their games in December, they need to get off to a good start to have a chance.

New England Patriots, 2-1

They beat Buffalo on a ridiculous fumble, got pantsed by the Jets, and then beat the Falcons at home. Tom Brady looks ... different this year. As in, not as good. You know things are sketchy in New England when a win at home over the Falcons is seen as a surprise by many.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

Browns, Rams, Buccaneers, combined 0-9

Cleveland has a new head coach, they still don't know who their quarterback is because Brady Quinn is freakin' terrible--the LA Times is reporting that they're changing QBs again, switching to Derek Anderson--and they've allowed the most points in the league.

The Rams have the Lions to thank for not being known last year as the laughingstock of the NFL (they were 2-14). They're actually 2-21 in their last 23 games, while the Lions are 2-19 in their last 21. So the Lions have actually been better than the Rams over the last season-and-a-half. Repeat: the Lions have been better than the Rams over the last season-and-a-half.

The Rams have also scored just 24 points this entire season, meaning they have violated a little-known NFL rule; if your coach is older than the number of points you've scored after three games, you have to forfeit the rest of the season. Invoke this rule, Roger Goodell!

The Bucs are also switching quarterbacks, and they have a 33-year-old first-time head coach in Raheem Morris. They've allowed 50 more points than they've scored, and word is the cannon operator at Raymond James Stadium is giving serious consideration to aiming the cannon at the Bucs' sideline. (Full disclosure: I will always have a deep-seated hatred for Tampa Bay because I once lost the regional round of a spelling bee when I misspelled "Buccaneers." I'm pretty sure the other semi-finalist got "turtle" or "umbrella." I could have spelled those words, and I could have correctly spelled any other NFL team name, but I screwed up buccaneer. Stupid. But I'm over it now. Sort of.)

Taking a spin around the world of sports

A-Rod out 6-9 weeks after opting for hip surgery

This begs the question: What has been A-Rod's worst experience this offseason?

• Divorcing his wife after a reported romance with 50-year-old Madonna (this technically took place during the '08 season, but I'm counting it anyways)
  
• Getting tossed to the scrapheap by a 50-year-old
• Being labeled "A-Fraud" in Joe Torre's book
• Being linked to steroids by Sports Illustrated
• Having to admit to steroid use in a press conference
• Having surgery to repair torn right hip labrum

Ouch. A-Rod has had a worse winter than the Dow Jones. A marriage shattered, a love unrequited, a friendship torn asunder, a reputation shredded, a painful admission, and a serious medical procedure. "Are you sure it's my hip that needs to be repaired, Doc? Because it hurts right here (points to heart). It hurts ... (lip quivering) ... right here (single tear)."

No tears need to be shed when it comes to the Yankees chances, however. Going A-Rod-less for the first month or so may cost them a few games, but it seems like the Damn Yankees can do pretty much whatever they want in April and May and still flip a switch for the stretch run (they were 14-16 and 10-14 on May 1 the last two seasons). In fairness, they did miss the playoffs last year, which was totally sweet, but they won 89 games. And with a $209 million payroll, I wouldn't worry too much about their chances of competing this season.

T.O. released by Cowboys, signs with Bills

The 'Boys were no longer willing to throw the paper at Terrell Owens, but Buffalo was happy to throw some bills his way. For the first time in his career, Owens will play in the AFC.

Owens is a player with big-time talent and an even bigger ego (think: running to the star in the middle of Cowboys Stadium after scoring a touchdown with the 'Niners). If he could just shut his mouth every once in a while and be a team player, he wouldn't bounce around the league like a pinball.

Yes, he still gets the job done on the field, but there's no doubt his attitude has a negative impact on his teammates. Jerry Jones wants to win, and he wants to win bad. There's no way he releases a top five wide receiver from a team that hasn't won a playoff game since 1996 unless his 'tude is more toxic than a Britney Spears single.

How many rings does T.O. have (I'll give you a hint: it's equal to the number of games the Lions won last year)? Granted, that's partly due to Tony Romo's tendency to go into hibernation every winter, and also to the fact that the Eagles were run over by the Tom Brady Train in Super Bowl XXXIX.

But the fact is: chemistry matters in sports, and it REALLY matters in football. A QB has about four seconds to drop back, make his reads and decide whom to throw to. Having a little T.O. voice in the back of your head saying "Throw to me even if I'm not open or I'll chew you out on the sideline or in the media" doesn't help.

Owens is getting up there in age--he's 35 now. It's time for him to wisen up and stop bringing his teams down. He's got so much ability, and it's time for him to take full advantage of it. The Bills are counting on it, especially in an improved AFC East where they'll get no mercy from the Patriots and Dolphins.

Big East tournament tips off with two upsets

If Georgetown had any remaining hope of making the NCAA tournament, it was crushed today with a 64-59 loss to St. John's.

Selection committee: Who wants to be an NIT team?
Georgetown: I do! I do!

In other action, DePaul smacked Cincinnati in the head with a giant bag of "What the f*** just happened?" The Bearcats had some quality wins this year, beating Georgetown twice and taking down both Notre Dame and West Virginia. They were seeded 9th in the Big East tournament.

But even if they had been seeded 90th, they still should have beaten DePaul. Apparently the Blue Demons were just biding their time, going winless in conference play to assure themselves a 16 seed so they could sneak up all cat-like and take someone out before they knew what hit 'em.

DePaul will now take on Providence, which, along with being a college in Rhode Island, is also defined as "God, esp. when conceived as omnisciently directing the universe and the affairs of humankind with wise benevolence." If there is a God, s/he will surely end this charade here and now before DePaul gets any ideas about being a real basketball team. However, if this God has a sense of humor, s/he will surely direct DePaul to a Big East Conference tournament championship, because that would be hilarious. And it would be a downright knee-slapper to see DePaul take on an Oklahoma or North Carolina in the first round of the NCAA tournament.