NFL Visions, Part 1

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP

Oakland Raiders, 5-4

I thought they'd have a turnaround season heading into the year, then gave up on them quickly after losses to Arizona and San Fran left them at 2-4. But then they curbstomped the Broncos and Seahawks and pulled out an overtime victory over KC to pull to within a half-game of the Chiefs. Maybe Al Davis isn't crazy after all? ... No, Al Davis is crazy.

Cleveland Browns, 3-5

I'm not saying they're great, I'm just saying things are looking up. With their top two quarterbacks hurt, they turned to rookie Colt McCoy and he's led them to wins over the Saints and Patriots. And the games weren't even close. How crazy is that? Plus they get Jacksonville and Carolina after a match-up with the Jets.

Rookies

-Jahvid Best has slowed of late, but he's been solid for the Lions and had 88 all-purpose yar

ds against a good Jets defense on Sunday.

-Ndamukong Suh has 6.5 sacks and was the October Rookie of the Month.

-Dez Bryant has a lot of competition at the receiver position on the Cowboys, but he h

as over 400 yards and four touchdowns.

-Mike Williams has done even better for the Bucs with over 500 yards and five TDs.

-As noted above, Colt McCoy has defeated the Saints and Patriots in back-to-back games.

-Sam Bradford has had a relatively incredible first eight games, at least when you consi

der that he's a rookie QB. He's on pace for over 3,200 yards and 22 TDs, the latter being more t

han Schaub, Sanchez, Favre, Henne, McNabb, Cutler ... the list goes on. Matt Ryan's rookie season is considered one of the best ever, and he threw 16 TDs that year. Bradford has also shown incredible poise for a rookie--he has a 101.1 QB rating and zero interceptions on third down.

New York Giants, 6-2

All of a sudden they can't be stopped: they've reeled off five straight wins and are tied (with five other teams) for the best record in the NFL. They've scored at least 28 points in each of their last four games.

THINGS ARE LOOKING DOWN

Houston Texans, 4-4

If you want a quick score, you're better off playing the Texans than dating Kim Kardashian. (Burned!) But seriously, only three teams give up more points than they do, and their horrendous defense suddenly has them at .500 and tied for last in the AFC South. Okay, granted, they're only a game behind the Colts and Titans, but the Texans' porous secondary has the arrow pointing down in Houston.

Minnesota Vikings, 3-5

Favre finally broke into his bag of magic tricks on Sunday, leading his team back from 14 points down to beat the Cardinals. However, they still find themselves at 3-5, 2.5 back of the Pack. Their next two weeks should go a long way toward determining the final trajectory of their season--they visit the Bears and then have their second match-up against the Packers.

Seattle Seahawks, 4-4

Like the Texans, they're still at least treading water. But they've been outscored 74-10 the last two weeks and suffered their worst home loss since 2002 on Sunday. Suffice to say, things are not looking up. In fact, they kind of look like what you'd find in a diaper.

NFL Visions, Part 2

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

Houston Texans, 2-1

Don't get me wrong--they deserve credit for finally beating the Colts and looking like they have the talent to be a serious contender in the AFC. But that pass defense ... They've already allowed over 1,100 yards passing, second-most of any team through three games since 1950. If they let guys make any more successful passes, they'd be Kim Kardashian (Oooh, burned! Actually, I barely even know who she is. Would we say this joke is accurate? Is Kim Kardashian a slut?). Yes, it was impressive that they came from 17 points down to beat the Redskins in Week 2, but it's kind of a problem that they were down by 17 in the first place. This is a good team, but it was a bit premature to anoint them the best team in the AFC (as ESPN's power rankings did after Week 2).

Dallas Cowboys, 1-2

This feels like the definition of blurry to me. We all know they have tons of talent (Romo,

Marion Barber, Miles Austin, Jason Witten, DeMarcus Ware, Dez Bryant, et al) and they're one holding penalty away from being 2-1. But they are in fact 1-2 and lost to the Bears at home as well as to a Redskins team who turned around and lost to the Rams (a game that turned my fantasy week into a nightmare). Just as it's hard to really pin down how good Romo is, it's tough to know for sure whether the Cowboys are a contender or a pretender.

Seattle Seahawks, 2-1

Murdered the 49ers, got owned by the Broncos and then beat the Chargers. 2-0 at home but 0-1 on the road. They did have two kick returns for touchdowns against the Chargers, a feat they're unlikely to repeat, so that takes a little something away from Sunday's win in my opinion. I still lean toward them being an average team, but suddenly Pete Carroll and his crazy, unimpeded optimism are tied at the top of the NFC West, three full games ahead of the Niners.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

San Francisco 49ers, 0-3

Hey, we were just talking about them, what great timing! Did you just hear that series of thuds? Don't worry, that was just the sound of thousands of people jumping out of the 49ers bandwagon as if it was on fire. Speaking of fire, they fired offensive coordinator Jimmy Raye after scoring just 38 points in their first three games. They're the only team in the pathetic, pathetic NFC West without a win, meaning they're looking up at the Cardinals, Seahawks and Rams. Looking up at a seahawk or cardinal isn't so bad, but have you ever looked up at a ram? I've learned a few important lessons in my life, and one of them is that you don't want to be looking up at a ram.

Buffalo Bills, 0-3

They've already changed quarterbacks, every fantasy football player who was drooling over C.J. Spiller is livid, and they've kindly allowed the most points in the NFL (tied with the Niners).

Cleveland Browns and Carolina Panthers, both 0-3

There are too many terrible teams and I lack the mental energy to make fun of them all separately, so I'm combining these two. I'll just say that the Browns are awaiting the return of a starting quarterback who is clearly colorblind while the Panthers suddenly have a nonexistent running game and Jimmy Claussen at QB. These teams are bad at football.

What can the Browns do for you? Provide a tuneup.

Week 8: Bears 30, Browns 6


Watching the Bears play the Browns is sort of like being handed a cheat sheet of mathematical equations as you prepare for an English exam--you don't learn a whole lot from it. It was something of a no-win situation for the Bears, playing a team they were supposed to beat by two touchdowns. But they got a win nonetheless.

They certainly didn't look very good doing it. Or at least, the offense didn't. The Bears continued to confuse the red zone for a red light. Does Jay Cutler have Robbie Gould on his fantasy team or something?

Cutler seems to be throwing the ball with his eyes closed. Granted he was running for his life for much of the game, but even when he had time to throw, he looked like his radar was jammed. Did the ball not have enough air in it? Too much air? Did it not have laces on it? He's now thrown as many interceptions (11) as touchdowns this season. He was also sacked four times by a bad Browns defense, partly because the offensive line didn't ... whattaya call it ... block anyone, and partly because he refused to get rid of the ball when he was pressured.

The biggest bright spot for me was Devin Hester. He had 81 yards receiving and continues to develop as a legitimate threat at the wide receiver position. I still don't think he's a #1 type receiver, but it's nice to see him coming along.

On the other side of the ball, the defense was dominant. Granted, it was against a team that practically sends Evites to upcoming opponents, subject line "Would you like to be dominant this Sunday?" I mentioned in the preview that the Bears needed to keep Derek Anderson to a QB rating below 80 just to save face. Mission accomplished--he finished with a rating of 10.5 and was so bad that he was replaced by Brady Quinn.

The "D" also forced five turnovers, putting the Bears at -1 in turnovers this year. That statistic will need to keep trending in a positive direction if the Bears are going to keep winning.

It wasn't the prettiest win the Bears have ever had, but it was a 24-point thrashing nonetheless. A solid practice game as the Bears prepare for a real match-up against the Cardinals, who, like the Bears, are 4-3. Though Arizona leads the NFC West for the time being, this Sunday's game could have Wild Card implications when all is said and done. (I'm not giving up on the division, especially with two games remaining against the Vikings, but it's worth looking at the Wild Card after Minnesota picked up their seventh victory yesterday.)

Rock Cleveland!

The Cleveland Browns are bad. They've scored the third-fewest points in the league and allowed the sixth-most. They've lost three games by more than 20 points. Their fans are even planning a protest for their Monday night game against the Ravens. Bad, bad, bad.

Which is why it's sad, sad, sad that Bears fans have no choice but to get jazzed up for this game given that it means either rising above .500 or falling below it. And it's even sadder that there's at least a tiny little touch of trepidation heading into the game. I mean, if they can lose 45-10--allowing six TDs and a field goal in the Bengals' first seven drives--then they can lose to pretty much anyone, right?

I don't know, but I sure hope not. You should feel better knowing that it's entirely possible that my inability to watch any of last week's game led to the poor performance (I was in airports all day). And even though I have to travel again this Sunday, I booked a 6 a.m. flight just so I could catch all the action. So let's hope my return to sitting in front of the TV with an icy cold beverage corresponds to a return to normalcy in the Land of Lovie.

KEYS TO THE GAME

Confidence and aggression. The Bears have more talent than the Browns on both sides of the ball (as does, you know, your local Pee Wee squad), and they need to come out looking to punish them, not tippy toeing around and scared because of last week's beat down. Someone must pay for last week's tragedy, and I don't see why it shouldn't be the Browns.

Get after the "quarterback." I put "quarterback" in quotes because ohmygod Derek Anderson is so bad. With Brady Quinn as their other option, it's "trick or trick" for Eric Mangini. Not to mention their O-line sucks, having allowed at least one sack in every game this year. But back to Derek Anderson: he is avert-your-eyes, hide-the-children, is-there-a-bucket-nearby-I'm-not-going-to-make-it-to-the-bathroom-in-time bad. If he finishes this game with a QB rating over 80, someone on the Bears' coaching staff should be fired. I nominate Everyone.

Turnovers. If the Bears can maintain their grip on the ball and Cutler can keep from throwing it into the hands of Cleveland's defenders, the game should be a cakewalk. They can't let them hang around by giving them free possessions.

Kick/punt coverage. The Browns' biggest weapon is return man Josh Cribbs. He has the most return yards of anyone in the league to go along with one kick return TD and one punt return TD. Gotta contain him.

Where'd he come from?

QB Derek Anderson, Oregon State
RB Jamal Lewis, Tennessee
WR Josh Cribbs, Kent State
WR Mohamed Massaquoi, Georgia

NFL Visions, Part 2

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

San Diego Chargers, 2-1

They eked out a victory against the Raiders, lost at home to Baltimore and then beat a bad, Pennington-less Dolphins team. Tomlinson's penchant for health issues has cropped up again, too, as he has missed the last two games.

Dallas Cowboys, 2-1

Cowboys fans were ready to throw Tony Romo to the wolves (literally. They do that in Texas.) after he lost the opening game of what most people in Texas consider the 8th Wonder of the World, the new Cowboys Stadium. Considering Romo is likely to lose 90-100 percent of their games in December, they need to get off to a good start to have a chance.

New England Patriots, 2-1

They beat Buffalo on a ridiculous fumble, got pantsed by the Jets, and then beat the Falcons at home. Tom Brady looks ... different this year. As in, not as good. You know things are sketchy in New England when a win at home over the Falcons is seen as a surprise by many.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

Browns, Rams, Buccaneers, combined 0-9

Cleveland has a new head coach, they still don't know who their quarterback is because Brady Quinn is freakin' terrible--the LA Times is reporting that they're changing QBs again, switching to Derek Anderson--and they've allowed the most points in the league.

The Rams have the Lions to thank for not being known last year as the laughingstock of the NFL (they were 2-14). They're actually 2-21 in their last 23 games, while the Lions are 2-19 in their last 21. So the Lions have actually been better than the Rams over the last season-and-a-half. Repeat: the Lions have been better than the Rams over the last season-and-a-half.

The Rams have also scored just 24 points this entire season, meaning they have violated a little-known NFL rule; if your coach is older than the number of points you've scored after three games, you have to forfeit the rest of the season. Invoke this rule, Roger Goodell!

The Bucs are also switching quarterbacks, and they have a 33-year-old first-time head coach in Raheem Morris. They've allowed 50 more points than they've scored, and word is the cannon operator at Raymond James Stadium is giving serious consideration to aiming the cannon at the Bucs' sideline. (Full disclosure: I will always have a deep-seated hatred for Tampa Bay because I once lost the regional round of a spelling bee when I misspelled "Buccaneers." I'm pretty sure the other semi-finalist got "turtle" or "umbrella." I could have spelled those words, and I could have correctly spelled any other NFL team name, but I screwed up buccaneer. Stupid. But I'm over it now. Sort of.)