Wild Card Weekend Preview: AFC

#6 Jets (11-5) @ #3 Colts (10-6)

Saturday, 7:00 CST

Storylines:

-The two faced off in last year's AFC Championship game with the Colts winning 30-17 on the strength of a 17-0 second half. Rex Ryan, whose defenses are 1-5 against Peyton Manning (and in the one win, Manning didn't even play the second half), says it's personal against the QB, that he has "waited a full year for this" and wants to "put the shoe on the other foot" by knocking him out of the playoffs. Bad wording there, Rex. No mention of shoes or feet for you for at least, like, six months.

-The Colts are the go-about-your-business bunch with the low-key coach; the Jets are an in-your-face team with a coach who predicted his team would win the Super Bowl before the season. Makes me want the Colts.

-Peyton Manning returns to the playoffs for the 800th year in a row, while Mark Sanchez is now two-for-two in his short career. This game has something of an old guard vs. new guard theme goin' on, or something like that. Sanchez going to the playoffs his first two years but getting knocked out by the always-in-the-playoffs Manning? Makes me want the Jets.

What to watch for: Prior to the game, will Rex Ryan use Lucas Oil Stadium as a refreshing new setting for a foot fetish video? And if so, will the NFL allow him to use their cameras so it will be in hi-def?

X factor: The kickers. While the Jets' Nick Folk has one of the lowest field goal percentages in the league, the Colts' Adam Vinatieri has missed just two all season.

Prediction: These ain't your older brother's Colts. Injuries to receivers, a tight end and safety Bob Sanders have transformed the Colts from the near-infallible squad we've become used to into a 10-6 team that didn't put the Jaguars away until last Sunday. But they were 6-2 at home this year and I'm not ready to pick against Peyton Manning. After all, it is a night game. On top of that, I don't trust Mark Sanchez. Colts in a close one.

#5 Ravens (12-4) @ #4 Chiefs (10-6)

Sunday, 12:00 CST

Storylines:

-The Ravens won two more games than the Chiefs this year but are forced to go on the road because they're in a division with the Steelers while the Chiefs ... well, aren't.

-The Chiefs bring their league-best running game against the Ravens' top-five rush defense.

What to watch for: Are the Chiefs ready for playoff football? They haven't been to the postseason since 2006, haven't hosted a playoff game since 2003, and haven't won a playoff game since 1993. The Ravens, on the other hand, have been invited to the playoff party four of the last five years.

X factor: Ravens safety Ed Reed. Matt Cassel has been very protective of the ball this year--just seven interceptions--but Reed had an insane eight interceptions in just 10 games this year.

Prediction: The Chiefs didn't lose at home until Sunday against the Raiders, and their league-best running game is nothing to sneeze at. But the Ravens can stop the run just about as well as anyone, and besides, this is a passing league. Ravens by seven.

NFL Visions, Part 1

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP

The Chicago Motherf**king Bears, 3-0

After vanquishing the Packers on Monday Night Football, the Monsters of the Midway are the lone undefeated team in the NFC. They also have the second-longest winning streak in football at five games (the Steelers have won six straight). We've got a season on our hands, Bears fans. (More tomorrow.)

Pittsburgh Steelers, 3-0

Um, wasn't there some type of "Our quarterback might have raped a girl/The face of our franchise is a monster/Ohmygod we're starting Charlie Batch???!!" situation going on here? No? Nothing like that? I could have sworn there was something like that.

Somehow Dennis Dixon and Charlie Batch have the Steelers at 3-0 with Ben Roethlisberger coming back after one more game (a tough one against Baltimore). At worst, they'll be 3-1 and tied atop the division when he returns. Their defense is for reals, yo.

Kansas City Chiefs, 3-0

It's one thing to be 3-0 when you haven't won more than four games total since 2006. And it's one thing to trounce the Niners 31-10 in what was supposed to be a close game. And it's one more thing to have two running backs with over 200 yards rushing when, say, the Panthers don't have any.

But what's really interesting is that the Chiefs are in first place in the piece of s**t AFC West BY TWO GAMES. They're pretty fun to watch with rookies Javier Arenas and Dexter McCluster returning punts and kicks, and with youngster Jamaal Charles averaging seven yards per carry.

Back-up quarterbacks

Not that they're necessarily playing well, but they are playing:

-Seneca Wallace filled in for Jake Delhomme in Cleveland's last two games

-Jimmy Claussen is in for Matt Moore

-Michael Vick has usurped Kevin Kolb

-In Buffalo, Ryan Fitzpatrick is in and Trent Edwards is out

-Matthew Stafford is still hurt for Detroit, opening the door for Shaun Hill

-Tom Cable already pulled the plug on Jason Campbell, inserting Bruce Gradkowski

-Derek Anderson took over for Matt Leinart before the season even started

Atlanta Falcons, 2-1

They couldn't move the ball at all against the Steelers in Week 1, but they didn't give up a touchdown until overtime. They then went on to crush the Cardinals and beat the Saints in a thriller on Sunday in New Orleans. Plus, the NFC South has never had a repeat division winner, so they've got history on their side as they attempt to dethrone the Saints.

THINGS ARE LOOKING DOWN

Minnesota Vikings, 1-2

They beat the Lions to keep their season alive, but c'mon, the Lions have lost 400 straight road games (actually 22, and they're chasing their own franchise record of 24. I believe in you, Lions. You can do this.). Brett Favre went undrafted in my fantasy football league because he's inherently evil, but no one's really missing out: Favre's QB rating is 30th in the NFL, and he's already thrown six picks and fumbled once; he had seven interceptions and two fumbles all of last season. Maybe this is where his downfall began (or not, but it's really fun to watch):

New York Giants, 1-2

Their win over Carolina looks less and less meaningful with each steaming pile of poop the Panthers leave on the field, and they were outscored 67-24 by the Colts and Titans. Maybe the Bears can help clear up their outlook by pasting them this Sunday night.

Being able to watch games on TV

We've already had four blackouts. And by "we," I mean the three remaining Raiders fans, stupid Chargers fans who apparently refuse to go to their games, and people in Tampa Bay who are probably not aware that they have a local NFL team. The Bucs have been blacked out for two home games while San Diego and Oakland have each been blacked out once. Twenty-two games were blacked out last season.

Short field goal attempts to win games

Man, I would hate to be a kicker. I mean, it's the only position I could possibly even attempt in the NFL because it wouldn't require me to die at the hands of a large, angry man, and I'd make lots of money just for kicking a football. But I'm saying if I were actually talented and could have an NFL career, it would kind of suck to be a kicker. You made it? Good job, pat on the back. You missed it? You f**king MISSED it? Are you KIDDING me? All that work we did and we lose the game because you're a pansy-ass kicker and you're unable to kick a football through the damn uprights? I hate you, kicker! We all hate you! You're not even a real part of this team!

So anways, Garrett Hartley missed a 29-yarder in overtime against the Falcons and Sebastian Janikowski missed a 32-yarder as time expired. Both of them would have won their respective games. Do you think they had to lay down in their respective locker rooms after the games and let their teammates kick them as a way of meting out justice for their unforgivable mistakes? I like to think so.

NFL Visions, Part 2

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

AFC Playoff picture
Denver (8-5) and Jacksonville (7-6) would be in if the season ended today (it doesn't), but Miami, the Jets and Baltimore are all 7-6 as well while the Steelers, Texans and Titans are 6-7. Of the teams currently on the outside looking in, Baltimore might be the one to keep an eye on. They get the Bears, Steelers and Raiders in their final three games, while the Jets draw both the Colts and Bengals and the Dolphins have to deal with the Titans, the Texans and the Steelers.

But wait! The Dolphins and Jets trail the Patriots by just one game in the AFC East as well. It looks like Week 17 will have an awful lot to say about this year's playoffs.

New York Giants, 7-6
This has to be the most mercurial team in the NFL this year. They had the highest of expectations heading into the season, which made their 5-0 start rather ho hum. But the four consecutive losses that succeeded it were quite a shock. A win over the Falcons made some--me, at least--believe they were back on track, but then they got obliterated by the Broncos on Thanksgiving and I gave up on them. So, naturally, they beat the Cowboys the following week. But then they gave up 45 points in a loss to the Eagles this past week. Bottom line: if you're a betting man (or woman), take a big, fat, black marker and black out the Giants game each week from your list of betting options. I hope they don't make the playoffs, because that would be one postseason betting option out the window.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

Chicago Bears, 5-8
I've dedicated plenty of ink (er, computer words) to the Bears' suckiness. There's no doubt in my mind that they belong in this category. Three of their five wins were over the Rams, Browns and Lions. Now I realize you can only play the games on your schedule, and a win's a win. But the NFL, with its 16-game schedule, requires fans to scrutinize teams' schedules more closely than in any other sport. If the Bears has played, say, the NFC East rather than the NFC West, their record would probably be 3-10 instead of 5-8. And if that were the case, Halas Hall would be in full out panic mode, rather than "Hm, perhaps we should make a change, but perhaps not" mode.

Every Sunday morning, I get a little excited about the upcoming Bears game (although in recent weeks, I've gone from being a little excited to a little excited to a little excited, but it's still there). But pretty much as soon as the game starts, I remember how dreadfully awful they are and that I don't really like watching them. I'm too much of a fan not to watch, but I wish I could follow the advice of my own category and not look at them. Because they're hideous.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 1-12
Man, what happened to this team? They were 8-4 at one point last year, but lost their last four games. Which makes them 1-16 in their last 17 games. And while QB Josh Freeman was looking good for a while, he threw five interceptions two weeks ago against Carolina, and then three more last week against the Jets. At least his interception total dropped from Week 13 to Week 14. So ... they have that going for them.

Kansas City Chiefs, 3-10
Remember when Matt Cassel had a big year with the Patriots last year, and then he became a free agent, and he signed with the Chiefs? And it was like, "Hm, maybe the Chiefs will be decent this year." Um, no. Cassel has had some decent games this year, but the Chiefs have scored the fifth-fewest points in the league. Not to be out-sucked, the defense has allowed the fourth-most points in the league. Perhaps the most amazing thing about Kansas City's miserable season has been their struggles at home. They've amassed a 140-40 record at Arrowhead since 1990, which is the NFL's best home record in that stretch. But they're just 1-6 there in 2009.

Despite having two wins, the Redskins just might be the worst team in the NFL

The Redskins have played six games, all of them against winless teams. How incredible is that? Of course, four of them aren't winless any more because the Redskins were kind enough to give them their first victory. They lost to the Giants in Week 1, gave the Lions their first win in over a year-and-a-half, blew a 15-point second half lead against the Panthers, and then scored just six points at home to the now 1-5 Chiefs.

And by the way: their two victories consist of a 9-7 win over the Rams in which they got booed at home, and a 16-13 victory over the Bucs. Sorry, Titans fans--the Redskins aren't on your schedule this year.

New refs, new rules

The NBA is officially changing the rule for traveling, saying two steps are allowed instead of just one. So LeBron James's "crab dribble" wasn't cheating, it was forward thinking!

But seriously, the rule used to be one step, and the refs gave them 2.5. How many will they give them now that the rule is two? Three? Five? Will the NBA install those moving walkways that you see in airports?

Or maybe they're utilizing my speed limit philosophy: increase all speed limits by 25 percent, round down to the nearest multiple of five, and cops can feel free to ticket anyone going over the posted speed limit. As opposed to our current system in which the speed limit is the speed minimum and no one has any idea how fast they're actually allowed to go.

Okay, so change the traveling rule to two steps, but call it! I'm okay with that.

A rule that actually needs changing

The first inning of Game 1 between the Angels and Yankees reminded us why baseball needs to add a "team error" scoring to the rulebook. With a runner at second and two outs, Hideki Matsui hit a high pop fly on the infield. The third baseman and shortstop miscommunicated and let it fall between them, and the runner scored from second. This went in the box score as an RBI single. When you imagine a player hitting an RBI single in the playoffs, you don't exactly think of a high pop fly with two fielders standing underneath it. But because no one touched the ball, the official scorer couldn't assign an error.

It's simple: the Angels deserved to have an error counted against them, and Matsui didn't deserve a single nor an RBI. Solution: team error.

A good reason to buy a ball retriever

I've had some bad days on the golf course (and I mean BAD), but none were this bad.

NFL Visions, Part 2

THINGS ARE LOOKING BLURRY

San Diego Chargers, 2-1

They eked out a victory against the Raiders, lost at home to Baltimore and then beat a bad, Pennington-less Dolphins team. Tomlinson's penchant for health issues has cropped up again, too, as he has missed the last two games.

Dallas Cowboys, 2-1

Cowboys fans were ready to throw Tony Romo to the wolves (literally. They do that in Texas.) after he lost the opening game of what most people in Texas consider the 8th Wonder of the World, the new Cowboys Stadium. Considering Romo is likely to lose 90-100 percent of their games in December, they need to get off to a good start to have a chance.

New England Patriots, 2-1

They beat Buffalo on a ridiculous fumble, got pantsed by the Jets, and then beat the Falcons at home. Tom Brady looks ... different this year. As in, not as good. You know things are sketchy in New England when a win at home over the Falcons is seen as a surprise by many.

DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS

Browns, Rams, Buccaneers, combined 0-9

Cleveland has a new head coach, they still don't know who their quarterback is because Brady Quinn is freakin' terrible--the LA Times is reporting that they're changing QBs again, switching to Derek Anderson--and they've allowed the most points in the league.

The Rams have the Lions to thank for not being known last year as the laughingstock of the NFL (they were 2-14). They're actually 2-21 in their last 23 games, while the Lions are 2-19 in their last 21. So the Lions have actually been better than the Rams over the last season-and-a-half. Repeat: the Lions have been better than the Rams over the last season-and-a-half.

The Rams have also scored just 24 points this entire season, meaning they have violated a little-known NFL rule; if your coach is older than the number of points you've scored after three games, you have to forfeit the rest of the season. Invoke this rule, Roger Goodell!

The Bucs are also switching quarterbacks, and they have a 33-year-old first-time head coach in Raheem Morris. They've allowed 50 more points than they've scored, and word is the cannon operator at Raymond James Stadium is giving serious consideration to aiming the cannon at the Bucs' sideline. (Full disclosure: I will always have a deep-seated hatred for Tampa Bay because I once lost the regional round of a spelling bee when I misspelled "Buccaneers." I'm pretty sure the other semi-finalist got "turtle" or "umbrella." I could have spelled those words, and I could have correctly spelled any other NFL team name, but I screwed up buccaneer. Stupid. But I'm over it now. Sort of.)